- 5 years ago
Going Anon for this, I have been around for about a year thinking I was “waiting” on a ring but haven’t been posting lately because there have been issues in my relationship. Please give me some advise and tell me if I am crazy.
I have been in a relationship that has been mostly long distance for 5 years because he is deployed most of the year due to a military contract job. We see each other about every 2 months. The plan from the begining was to deal with career issues and them make plans to be together full time. I am in my early 40s he is mid-40s. We are both divorced, he has children. I have no kids and do not want to have children.
I want him to commit and to be engaged and to live together and get serious planning a future. He has been clear that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and that he is faithful and “one day” when work and the kids are not such a priority we will be able to make real plans to be together full time.
When the issue comes to a head and I get so frustrated with the distance and desire to spend more time together and I call bs on the career and kids excuses he throws out that I am not sexually adventurous and that I don’t meet his needs sexually and he wants to have more fun sexually. He says he won’t do the things I want i.e. make me a priority and make an effort to meet my emotional needs because his needs (sexual) are not being met.
I am not a prude by any means, we watch porn and have our share of toys (Sorry if that is TMI). I feel like I initiate sex way more than he does. I want sex wy more than the every 2-3 days that he wants when we are together.
He wants things like to have Skype sex and for me to send him very explicit and very dirty emails with naked photos of me when he is away working. I have done this but honestly, I feel silly. It’s not a turn on and I can’t help but think that someone is going to “intercept” the skype. I also complained that the skype sex is not a turn on for me and I certainly get no satisfaction out of it. Recently, I found out that he had “captured” a few photos of me on skype. I was very upset and told him that it was an awful and disrespectul thing to do. He said that he just wanted a few photos to look at when he is overseas and that he didn’t understand what the problem was because he had taken photos (NOT OF MY FACE) when we were together with my consent. Big red flag, I know. I also feel that by sending him the dirty stories, I fuel his desire for other adventurous things he wants (described below).
He wants me to have sex with another man so he can watch. He says it would be a turn on to see another man have sex with me. He has gone so far as to seek out men online and send me photos so see if I find them attractive enough to have sex with while he watches. I have told him this isn’t a turn on for me and that I am not in to doing it and that I am afraid of Save-The-Date Cards (the bad kind not the good wedding kind of STDs) and that I assume all the risk by having sex with another man that I don’t know and have no reason to trust. He says I am making excuses and he would be there to make sure nothing bad happens to me.
I understand the whole fantasy thing and sharing your woman and showing off her skills in bed blah blah blah. So it’s odd and not really my thing but I don’t feel totally grossed out or freaked out by the suggestion. That said, I do NOT want to have sex with anyone else and have told him this.
I feel horrible and feel that I am not enough for him. That without me doing the other things, just having sex with me or the idea of me isn’t a turn on. And the thought that my inability to satisfy his sexual fantasies is the reason he won’t try to fully meet my needs is a killer on the self-esteem.
I also point out that my ex-husband loved for me to dress up and towards the end of our relationship basically told me that I was prude and that he only felt desire for me when I would dress up as a stripper/prostitute. He also wanted to watch porn all the time with me. I have told my current SO about my issues with the ex and his response was that he didn’t want to spend his life dealing with and carrying around my sexual baggage from my past. So then I think it’s me, I am a prude and need to just realize men have more fantasies and want more variety.
SO won’t break up with me over this but when we fight and I tell him I need more. He says, “well, we are in a cycle and both of us won’t budge and neither of us is meeting the other persons needs, so what do you want to do?”
I broke up with him last night. I have broken up with him before but always go back and after a few months we end up in the same place with both of us feeling the other person isn’t meeting our needs.
I know, I’m still young and can find someone else who loves me and wants to only have sex with me but this is the second long term relationship (my ex) that sex has been such an issue. I can’t help but think it is me. Why is the idea of just having sex with me not enough?