(Closed) Please help… how do you know if you are settling for your boyfriend?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Whatever is happening, it sounds like you are already having an emotional relationship with this other dude.  This is not fair to you or either of these men.  I would sort out your feelings by yourself before involving a 3rd party.  I know I would not be happy to learn my Boyfriend or Best Friend was talking with some other girl on the phone “for hours”.  It’s normal, but be careful!

@vorpalette:  She said 4 years. (:

Post # 18
Member
9819 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@chicagoworkinggirl:  I don’t think not talking for hours on end is strange or a bad sign.  I can hang out with my fiance all evening and not spend the whole night talking.

But if you have to ask the question “…am I settling?” then you probably are (in my experience).  If you’re not happy then break up with him…these things happen.  Maybe he’s just not the right one for you.

Post # 19
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@deetroitwhat:  lmao RIGHT IN THE FIRST SENTENCE. I reed gud.

Okay then I have a feeling that you’re probably in that period of a relationship where you’re comfortable. You feel like you need something new, and this other guy is giving you that. I don’t think you’re falling in love with him.

Post # 20
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@vorpalette:  Hahahahahaha.  Happens to me all the time!

Post # 21
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The flip side of the “grass is greener” saying is that the grass is always greener where it’s watered.

Relationships, just like plants, take work to keep alive. If you want a good relationship, you have to put in the maintenance work. Cultivate it–don’t just let it wither and die. (Now if you do everything you can and it still dies, clearly it has a grass disease and wasn’t meant to live.)

Post # 22
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@chicagoworkinggirl:  Make a decision now.  1. Stop talking to your guy friend and start working on your relationship with your boyfriend. OR 2. Break up with your boyfriend and see what happens with your guy friend.

Post # 23
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@chicagoworkinggirl:  There are a few bits of info not in your OP that are somewhat neccessary for me to give advice. For example:

 

Your age: if you’re 18, I might tell you to go sow your wild oats and not tie yourself down to one guy.  If you’re 30, I might give you some “grass isnt always greener” advice.

 

How long you’ve been dating: 5 months? eh. 5 years? whoah, red flag, proceed with caution.

 

Since I don’t have this information, I’ll give you advice I’d give myself. I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend over 2 years. Our lives are entertwined and are a family unit (live together, pets together, cars together, bills together, etc) and are planning to get married.  If I suddenly started developing feelings for a friend, I’d stop myself and examine what is missing in my relationship with my boyfriend that is making this other man look so appealing. I would, in my case, ultimately let it go and redouble my efforts and committment to my current relationship.

Post # 25
Member
10018 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@chicagoworkinggirl:  Do you love him? 

The only way you’re going to get peace inside yourself and get some answers is to stop the emotional entanglement with the other guy.  That is what is causing the confusion.

Would you want your boyfriend to be comparing you to some other girl right now?  A good rule in relationships is don’t do anything you aren’t totally ok with the other person doing too.

Does you boyfriend know about this other guy?

You need to be honest with both of them, but most of all with yourself.  🙂

Post # 26
Member
746 posts
Busy bee

Well, everyone gets bored.  I sometimes do with my Darling Husband of 9 years, and when that happens I call a friend or go for a run or go shopping or etc etc etc.  I don’t think I’ve ever…like wanted to be with someone else.  That’s a different story altogether.  If that’s the case, then I think you need to examine your commitment to your bf – why did you get so close with this other guy in the first place?  I mean, guy friends are one thing, but if you look forward all day to talking with this guy…i would seriously consider how your bf would feel if he knew that…it kind of isn’t fair to him, in my opinion.  It’s a tough situation!  🙁  Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

How do you know if you’re settling?  By asking this question…

Post # 28
Member
10018 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@chicagoworkinggirl:  And to answer your question about running out of things to talk about – no, it’s not true for my husband and I, we talk all the time.  But every relationship is different, there is no one single right answer.

Post # 29
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As other people have mentioned, it is really hard to give advice without knowing more. 

 

Before meeting my Fiance, I dated a really great guy for almost 3 years. Halfway through that relationship, I started to feel stuck and bored. When I tried to end the relationship, he cried, I cried, I felt bad, and he talked me into trying a 2 separation instead. After that, he really did seem to put more effort into the relationship, and worked on the things that had bothered me.

 

A year and a half later, I did brake up with him, but I am glad that we had tried to address the issues in our relationship first. That way I was sure about my desicion to leave him, since even though we both tried to make it work, I still felt something was missing. There was nothing wrong with him, it just wasn’t working for me and I felt like I was “settling”.

 

I met my Fiance shortly after. Sometimes we spend the day together and don’t say very much (normal, by the way), but I never feel like we should be trying to come up with things to say.

 

Post # 30
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No, I dont think that is odd not to talk 24/7.  I think relationships, especially long ones, have phases.  Early on, we’d talk and talk and talk and talk…then gradually it subsided. We still probably converse more than the average couple during the workday, but when we get hoem sometimes we’ll just hang out in silence and that’s just fine 🙂

Post # 31
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

I am going to agree with others and say that relationships have phases.

It sounds like you guys are in a rut and, honestly, I think your crush on this other guy is one of the main problems.

If you’re convinced your relationship is boring or it’s settling or that the grass is greener than it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re going to end up not putting in the work and drifting farther from your partner.

I would cut off contact with this guy at least for now and commit to a solid 30 or 60 days where you truly truly try and work on this relationship (including not talking to the other guy!) After 4 years and with no real complaints except boredom I think it’s worth an effort.

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