(Closed) Please help… how do you know if you are settling for your boyfriend?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@chicagoworkinggirl:  You sound like me a few years ago! Four years with someone is a long time, and there lies your answer. I too felt like we had run out of things to talk about, and the flame was starting to dim. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the butterflies of a new crush. Everything is new so you have everything to talk about. I almost gave up my Fiance for that guy. After Fiance refusing to give up on me, I scrapped that guy faster than burnt caramel on the stove. It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. 

Having said that, consider this: Do you truly, deeply care about each other? Is he the type of man you want spend the rest of your life with? Is he the man you can see become the father of your children? Are you proud to be his girlfriend? If you said yes, then you HAVE to cut ties with this new guy ASAP, or you’re throwing away your relationship. If you said no? Then run free, and let him go. 23 gives you a long time to explore and find what will make your heart the happiest!

Best wishes! PM me if you need help 🙂

Post # 33
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My two cents: It’s not unusual to feel bored occasionally. I live with a very talkative guy and we often go to bed and talk in the dark for hours. However, that’s a luxury we can’t afford when our schedules are crazy as they have been for months now. Many nights we’ll chat a bit and go our own ways until bedtime, then just read and sleep. No worries.

It’s always fun to flirt, wonderful to have someone new think you’re incredibly interesting, and exciting to think someone is attracted to you. I agree with other PPs that you need to think how you’d feel if the roles were reversed and your Boyfriend or Best Friend was in the situation you’re in. Would you be crushed or a bit relieved? Devastated or indifferent? If nothing else, you owe it to yourself to take a step back and re-evaluate. Don’t ever “settle”. It’s not fair to either party – imagine if you thought your Boyfriend or Best Friend was amazing and he secretly thought of being with you as “settling”!

Finally, the grass is rarely greener, but sometimes you have to find that out on your own. Just thinking about that other grass means you have some deeper thinking to do. Good luck!

Post # 35
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

If when you think of spending your life with him you feel happy bliss like a fullness after a delicious, decadent meal or a post-orgasm glow, you’re not settling.

If you feel “well, I’m not in pain, and I’m pretty comfortable” like the full-but-meh feeling from eating a bag of Doritos on a couch, you’re settling.

(awareness of the fact that he is not perfect should exist in both scenarios).

Post # 36
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I’m 24 and last year at 23 I was in a similar situation as you after dating a guy for 7 years. I can’t give you any advice because I would talk in circles about how I feel about the situation and I don’t want to thread jack. So, why comment? I think this article gives some insight into what other posters were saying about relationships going through phases and “the grass is not always greener”.

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/relationship-advice-101-hidden-danger-honeymoon-phase/

I suggest some soul searching and exploring what makes you happy. Maybe you feel smoothered because of mutual friends, etc. find something you enjoy doing yourself or find some free activities in your area and make some new friends. Do you think your boyfriend is right that you aren’t trying to find things in common? Maybe you are focusing on what is wrong with the relationship because you are looking for an out deep down?

If you want to talk PM me.

 

Post # 37
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My mom always told me it is easy falling in love but a lot of work staying in love, you have to be ready to put in the work to keep a relationship good and sometimes it gets extra hard when you hit a rut and it sounds like you are in a rut. My question to you are willing to work for your BF? It sounds like you need to do some soul searching to figure that out.  As advice I would say don’t leave your Boyfriend or Best Friend for someone else, leave him because he is not right for you. 

Post # 38
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@chicagoworkinggirl:  

 

If your head is searching for someone else so is your heart. If your heart isn’t in it, doing the right thing and letting him go is the answer, it will hurt but down the road you both will be better off for it, good luck.

Post # 39
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@chicagoworkinggirl:  You know you’re settling for somebody when you constantly have to rationalise that stand up guys/girls don’t come along that often, and that you’re probably never going to find anybody better than this nice, secure person you’re with now.  

That said, I don’t think you’re settling for him. Of course only you know how you feel, but I’ve seen settling and that doesn’t sound like what’s going on to me. I think that you might be be in one of two situations. 

1) You want to end your relationship with your SO but you don’t have a valid reason, and you’re using this guy friend and your ‘compatibility’ as a scapegoat. Maybe you have fallen for this guy, maybe not. But you want out of this relationship that you feel is slowly grinding to a halt and leaving it for a better, more exciting love seems like as good of a reason as any.

2) You and SO’s relationship is past the honeymoon phase where you’re up all night talking on the phone, and you think that there s something wrong. There isn’t. You’re in the honeymoon phase with this guy friend and you’re comparing to to the relationship you have with your SO- which is completely different. It’s not that you have nothing to talk about with SO anymore, it’s just that most of your conversations probably involve mundane things. And since you and this other guy have just started to think of each other romantically (I’m assuming) you’re still discussing your hopes, dreams and fears at length. Your current relationship is not fresh out of a romantic novel and the media tells you that it should be, so you’re confused and you feel like you’re missing out. 

If you really don’t want to be in this relationship and the only reason you can think not to end it is ‘it will be awkward when we run into each other at parties’ break up with him now or be unhappy. But if not then you have to accept that relationships that have been going to a while are just different to new ones. They’re not as exciting and they’re mostly not as romantic. But that’s life. The honeymoon phase never lasts and you won’t ever settle down if you only wamt to chase that ‘butterflies in your tummy’ feeling. I think you need to reevaluate this relationship, your relationship with your guy friend, and your prioroties. It sounds like you and SO don’t really talk about your emotional concerns about your relationship all that much and that’s a dynamic you really need to change. One thing is for sure though, emotionally cheating on your SO will not solve anything, stop doing it. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 40
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just because you are with a guy with little that is WRONG with him, doesnt mean you are with the RIGHT guy for you. Dont stay because you cant think of a good reason to go. But I agree with the others, stay away from other guy for 90 days and work on things with SO, if by then you are still wanting to go, then go. “Because wanting to leave is enough”

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

You have been with SO since you were 19. You have grown and changed so much. There is a good chance you have grown in different directions.

Post # 41
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@joya_aspera:  What a great analogy, I actually laughed out loud!! 

 

@chicagoworkinggirl:  I am 23 as well and recently engaged. Last year I went through this a bit when I got close to a guy friend as well. I was questioning my relationship because it seemed like we lost that excitement we once had. I had to my then Boyfriend or Best Friend (now FI) about this and he said he thinks thats normal to not have all those crazy feelings like before. You start out with this amazing lust filled relationship and lasting relationship are more of a companionship, of course you sitll lust after that person at times but probably not as much as in the beginning. And of course there will be some people out there who are all like “But my husband and I still do it 16 times a day!!” But their probably either lying or the exception. 

I would step back from this friend and see how things feel, I did this and realized I would be crazy to leave my Fiance, he is an amazing person who I enjoy spending time with, trust, love, all that mushy stuff! If you’re not feeling this relationship though then you have every right to end it even if the reason doesn’t see, “good enough”. Its a good enough reason that you’re doubting the lasting power of this relationship and are questioning it, if you truly feel that way then thats you’re reason. 

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