(Closed) Please help, I can't get over his past insistence on having two girlfriends

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

You need to break up with him and find someone else. That doesn’t make either of you terrible people or broken people. It means you’re monogamous and he is non-monogamous, and that’s okay! What’s not okay is sticking two people with such vastly different tendancies together and expecting it to work.

You need to be with someone who loves being with just one person. He needs to be with someone who can have multiple partners or be one of multiple partners. Some people just can’t do monogamy, and he seems like one of them. You are doing a disservice to both of you by staying together.

Leave him and soon enough both of you will find people you are way more compatible with.

Post # 4
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sounds like you guys have very different values and needs when it comes to relationships – that doesn’t make either one of you “wrong” or “bad”, it just means that you are different people. You shouldn’t have to change someone to fit what you want/need, and vice versa.  

There are plenty of men out there who look for and honor monogamy and can giveyou what you want and need. Go find him!   

Post # 5
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

You said yourself, that this is your first relationship, well I am sorry to say this but you are being naiive because of your lack of experience and he is taking advantage of you.

This guys is a major DICK. He is stringing you along, he knows what to say to keep you around but at the same time he says things to hurt you ON PURPOSE. If a man really loved you he would HATE to see you hurt, let alone be the one causing the hurt!!!

And on top of that when he does hurt you, because he is being an ass, he gets mad at you for being over-sensitive.

You are not in a relationship now – he is manipulating you to get what he wants!

I am not even going to touch on the fact that he told you in the beginning what to expect because you have already spent two years with him so that is irrelevant.

You need to LOVE yourself and GET OUT NOW! Be strong you can do it, cut all ties. You are young, strong and beautiful and I really hope that the next guy you meet shows you what real love is and shows you how you should be treated in a relationship.

 

Post # 6
Member
7450 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Cut him out of your life completely. This is an extremely toxic relationship. It will probably hurt for a bit, but you will look back one day when you have found somebody worth your emotions and love and think “What was I thinking?!”. The right relationship won’t be this complicated.

Post # 7
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

I am old enough to be your mother, and your post makes my heart ache for you, as it so perfectly mirrors my relationship with my ex-husband.  We had almost the same age difference when I met him at 19. Long story short, the woman he couldn’t get over (his high school/college sweetheart) developed cancer after we had been together ten years and had a three year old child.  He left us for her, stayed with her almost two years until she died, and then returned home to spend the next ten years telling me how wonderful and perfect she was, how she is the only woman he ever really loved, etc.  Remember – people don’t tell you who they are, they SHOW you who they are.  The man you love has shown you over and over again that he does not cherish you or hold you highest in his affection.  I know this may seem normal to you because he is the first man you ever loved, but I promise you that there are plenty of men who will love, honor and respect you without breaking your heart almost daily.  Please protect yourself and your heart.  Spend some time getting to know yourself and building your self confidence and self esteem.  We all have gifts and abilities – find out what yours are!  Only when you truly love yourself can you give and receive love in a relationship.  Hugs from Texas!

Post # 8
Member
4891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m honestly very confused as to why you’re with him. You two have completely different beliefs and values. You need to find someone who shares them. 

Post # 9
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Cabin

You do need to leave.  It is your first relationship, so your very vulnerable, and emotional.  You will get overit and you will appreciate the person you find that loves you equally, so much more than you will ever realize.  PP is right, if he loved you, he wouldn’t hurt you. It would hurt him to know he was hurting out, but he is using that to control you.  Maybe he can’t be alone, it’s not fair to you, to be his band aid.  Move on.. Heart break heals and your next love will be stronger and better. 

Post # 10
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh my goodness!  I dont blame you at all for hurting so much.  Even though you love him, he doesnt understand how he is hurting you.  You are monogamous and he is non-monogamous.  No matter how much you feel you love him, it will never work for either of you.  Neither of you can be truly happy in a relationship together; you have two wildly different perspectives on love and relationships. 

You need to take care of yourself.  You will find someone who cares about you, truly loves you and makes you the centre of their world.  He can’t, and its not his fault.  You will find this someday, but it will be with someone else.   I’m sure this is hard to hear, but I really truly feel that you need to leave this situation and the heartache that it creates for you, and find happiness elsewhere.  I wish you luck!  *hug* 

 

Post # 11
Member
12248 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

A zebra can’t change his stripes…

Time to find a guy that doesn’t tell you about all the women he loves more than you!

Post # 12
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@bowsergirl:  perfectly stated.

He is not being unfair to you, he’s been quite transparent about who he is and what he wants in a relationship this entire time. I know you care for him, but you two are not compatible long-term. You cannot change his mind by being a fabulous girlfriend. His desire for polyamory is not a reflection of you or an indictment on your awesomeness. You are awesome! You owe it to yourself who finds you awesome and wants to share that only with you.

Post # 13
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to have enough respect for yourself to leave. You’re 22 – life will go on, I promise. This guy treats you like garbage and you’re allowing him to do it. When you get engaged, there should be no question – you will be 100% the most important and cherished woman in his life.

Post # 14
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@nobodyinparticular:  You need to break up with him. He has no comprehension of your feelings and always puts himself first. Know what that’s called? A sociopath. That’s what he sounds like to me and you’re never going to get love, affection, full attention or even respect from him. 

I understand that abusive relationships happen because it gets hard for the victim to leave. The abuser denies affection love etc. until the victim thinks they’re the one in the wrong and try to win back the love of their abuser. You say you’re unofficially engaged? I don’t doubt that he’s most certainly given you that impression. What I do doubt is thar he actually has any plans to ever put a ring on your finger. I know it’s hard to hear: but he doesn’t think you’re worth marrying and never will. But that’s not your fault, it’s his. There is something fundamentally wrong with his brain and he’ll be that way forever. 

 Non-exclusive relationships work great for some couples. But both parties have to be completely honest about their feelings towards the relationship, the other people involved and most of all each other. This is abuse, don’t mistake it for anything else. If he knows how you feel about him having meaningful relationships on the side then I would consider it cheating too, especially since you don’t consent. He’s going to do it again you know, and tell you all about the wonderful girls he meets and how much better they are than you. 

Pack a suitcase. Go stay with your best friend in another state or your parents, somewhere far away from this guy. Change your number and completely cut him out of your life.  

Get out before he completely breaks you. Because it sounds like he’s already started, hun. 

Post # 15
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@PersephoneTheophania:  Exactly. The PP is a vulnerable young girl whose just starting to build her own life. This guy sounds like he’s most definitely taking advantage of her. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I hope the PP reads them and finds the courage to leave from them. I’m really sorry you had to go through that and am very glad he’s now an ex-husband. 

Post # 16
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@FMM:  +1.

As another poster said, this guy is toxic. It’s clear that you want to be in a loving relationship, and this guy isn’t going to give you that. You can’t keep asking him to change, and hope he does. Because he might change for a month, or two, but he’ll go back to being the same old guy. HE has to make the change. And until he’s ready, he’s just going to make a fool out of you.

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