(Closed) Please help, I can't get over his past insistence on having two girlfriends

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@nobodyinparticular:  Um, he has treated you like crap the whole way through. No one who can love the way you want and need to be loved would treat their significant other that way. I’m sorry to have to say this, but he has been using you, and doesn’t love you and never has. He is very immature and caught up in being unconventional for the sake of being unconventional, and that, from what you’ve said, is not the way you are nor what you want from a relationship. I was with someone who was kind of like that for a while. It sucked and didn’t last long, and I’m so glad I didn’t hang on!

The way he said and did all this: “But he said that my point of view was unimaginative and conventional. He said he didn’t know who he would choose. He said that she shared his beliefs. That marriage might work with her. The way he described her, I didn’t even know why he was wasting time with me. I felt like crap. Also, I was only twenty, and he was thirty and so experienced, I felt like he could have been more gentle with me about this stuff.” That right there tells me that he is enamoured of breaking the mold just for some weird philosphical satisfaction. Immature and unhealthy and SO ARROGANT. And the many incidents of him making excuses for hanging onto that other woman while still hanging onto you too– I think they chalk up to be emotional abuse. Especially how you describe his way of “saying how much he loves you” by comparing how he feels about you to how he felt about her. Terrible!!! I’m so, so sorry you’ve had to go through such degrading and soul-sucking things from someone you care about.

Please, leave him right away and seek counseling to help you separate from him and improve your self-esteem. This man is not capable of giving you what you are looking for and need, and by the sound of it never will be.

Post # 64
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow. The whole time I was reading your post, I just kept thinking “This guy, is an arsehole.”

Seriously, you need to leave him.

It’s okay for him to view relationships differently to you, to believe in open relationships etc. but the way he is treating you, the things he is saying to you, how he doesn’t consider your feelings or even seem to care that he hurts you…you deserve so much more then what he’s giving you.

Post # 65
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Are people really in relationships like this? Sounds like my worst nightmare

 

ETA: OP YOU got yourself into this mess and only YOU can get yourself out of it…

“Please, how can I let go? “

Let go of what? He never did anything wrong. He never pretended to be someone he was not, YOU accepted him with the hope that he would change. The question should be “How can I move on and learn to love myself so that I realize I am worth more than what I accept”

Post # 66
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

He is a total narcissist.

I’m sure he loves the idea of you feeling so conflicted and “fighting” for his affection against other women (who are probably doing the same). I bet it strokes his ego and he feels amazing… if he felt guilty and didn’t like it, then he wouldn’t keep doing this to you! He knows how you feel. (And you know how he feels.)

Being polyamorous is one thing – stringing someone along and manipulating them for your own sick game is different.

Leave him. Believe me, there are way better men out there. In fact, I would dare to say that most are better than this scum!

Post # 67
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Echoing other posters, basically.

He doesn’t treat you right. He never has, he isn’t now (even if some stuff is temporarily “better”) and chances are he never will.

I get that it’s your first relationship but you should really move on and find someone who is actually good to you.

Post # 68
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It’s not jealousy, it’s pain. I can tell you from experience that you will never forget all of those things he’s said to you and staying in your relationship is unhealthy no matter how good it is now. This guy sounds like he continuously changes his mindset over and over, he also sounds super emotionally immature. you deserve to have a proper relationship and to be loved on and told how special you are, not have to listen to those hurtful disgusting words he’s said. I feel so awful for you, I wouldn’t wish the hurt and heartbreak he’s causing you on anyone. 

Post # 69
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

You make me want to hit my head on a wall.  You seem like a nice girl.  Here’s the thing deep down you know you should break up.  Every one has most likely had a bad relationship and that’s okay.  Just break up with him.  It’s okay to be sad about it you’ll move on.  I bet you have at least 1 guy who is like “Her boyfriend is a jerk and I just want to punch him in the face because she’s perfect.”  It sounds like he could buy you the world but you’d still be in pain and wouldn’t be able to forgive him.  When things get that bad it’s best just to break up.  You two shouldn’t be just friends.  End it and do everything you can to never see him again.

Post # 70
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This guy sounds like a complete ass-wipe. Don’t settle for this loser! I mean, there are millions of guys on this earth and you are in love with THIS ONE?! 🙁 Ditch this wannabe and find a MAN who is going to love YOU & ONLY YOU. None of this sharing business. I might be “old fashioned” or whatever but I’m not a supporter of relationships with more than one person at a time, I just don’t find it healthy or long term. You deserve happiness! Don’t let this ONE guy make you feel like this.

Post # 71
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Russell\'s Pizza House

I’m SO sorry you have been through this. This is truly EMOTIONAL ABUSE in the highest form. The things he has said to you will always remain regardless I of how much he improves…. You can’t move on into a ‘healthy’ relationship phase from here. 

You ARE worthy of so much better than this.

Post # 72
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

As a deeply monogamous person who did experiment with polyamory, and as someone whose first relationship was also with someone utterly unworthy of her and lasted longer than it should have, I have to say… you will never be fully happy with him for two reasons. The first is that you are essentially monogamous and he is poly. But that is a whole separate issue from the second problem, which is that he has been exceptionally cruel to you in the past, and really, for no good reason that I can see, unless he enjoyed hurting you and is a jerk or if he had absolutely no regard for your feelings and is a sociopath as others have said. Your inner self is smart not to trust him. I would not trust him either.

I echo all the posters who have said you should leave. He is not worthy of you or your love. Even if he is being monogamous with you now, healthy relationships just do not look and feel like this.

The man I’m with now is as committed to me as I am to him, loves me absolutely, would do anything for me, would never ever hurt me on purpose. I believe there’s a lid for every pot, and you can find someone amazing too – but not while you are focused on this man who has done so much emotional damage to you.

My heart goes out to you so, so much.

Post # 73
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re waking up in the night with panic attacks. I’m willing to bet you have a lot of barely reigned in anger toward him for continuing to emotionally toy with you. If you continue to stay in this relationship, you must do so with the realization that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Even that is very hard to do. And that fighting over past wrongs is not productive. Ask yourself if you want to be in the relationship the way it IS and not the way you WISH it were. If the answer is yes, then stop kicking yourself. If the answer is no, start making a change!

Post # 74
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@nobodyinparticular:  You are too young to waste your youth on this twisted man. He has you convinced you are inferior so you will never leave. This is what abusers do to control you, these are the tactics of an extremely weak, broken, insecure boy. Not a steadfast, loving, and honest man you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

 

Run from this, or you will wake up 5 years from now just as unhappy, and have wasted precious years of your life on someone who will only inflict pain on you-thats not love. So he gets a gold star for being monogomous? Thats a give in-not a special trait. Thats a requirement, now what does HE have to offer YOU? Sounds like a manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive man that gets his kicks from tainting young women and making them hate themselves. Get out of this, you will have better options down the rode I promise you, the longer you stay with him, the longer you will keep yourself from true happiness. 

 

Leave now, leave yesterday. You deserve more. 

 

Post # 75
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@nobodyinparticular:  But I don’t trust him because by now I KNOW that out of nowhere he’s going to say something else soon that will hurt me. I’ve asked him to be more sensitive and he really tries but there are so many painful subjects, he can’t avoid them all. I’m so tired of hurting, I’m really exhausted, but it still gets to me all the time. I just want to be at peace.


First of all, ((hugs)) to you OP. Your post made me tear up, because no one should have to be treated the way you were. I really don’t understand people who have no regards for others’ feelings, the way your bf is.

If you want to be at peace, you need to leave him. You said it yourself, he will keep hurting you. If you stay with him, trust me, you will become a broken person. It seems that you already have been breaking down by staying in this relationship.

I know that this is hard, because he is the first person you ever loved, and you can’t imagine your life without him. I understand that. But you can live your life without him. You are still young, and there are a LOT of good, kind, loving, monogamous guys out there! Once you leave and meet a good guy, you will look back on this relationship and think, “What the HELL was I thinking?”

Three people have said this already, but I’m going to say it again. This guy is a DICK. He treated you like trash, and I know you think he’s changed, but he hasn’t and he won’t. It’s just how it is. Try to read your post as an outsider. How do you feel? Because when I read your post, it breaks my heart.

Please, please, please believe me. You deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve to be truly and deeply loved by someone who would rather walk through fire than do anything to ever hurt you.

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