please help I cant stop fantasizing about cheating on my fiance with my friend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

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tabbylove2 :  Sorry, time for tough love. This is not okay. People truly in love don’t constantly fanticize about a friend. There’s an obvious attraction you’re having, you’re just denying it. How would you feel if your fiancé was fanticizing about one of his female friends? It’s one thing to notice someone’s attractive, but it’s a whole other thing to have those types of dreams.

You first need to make a decision: do you really love your fiancé or do you want to take a shot with this friend? If you truly love your fiancé and want to stay with him, then you need to cut all contact with this friend of yours. No exceptions. I’d be so hurt if I was your fiancé and found out. 

Post # 4
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

You shouldn’t get married. You’re clearly not ready to close the door on sexual activity with others, and that’s not a great way to go into a marriage. And it’s not about the specific man you’re fantasizing about; he’s just a stand-in. But you’re not ready, please believe me.

Post # 5
Member
7972 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m usually quick to say that men and women are capable of being just friends. In this circumstance that is obviously not the case. If you aren’t willing to end the friendship to protect your relationship with the man you plan to marry then you are either not ready to marry or don’t really want to marry your Fi. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot, Bee? How would you feel if you learned your Fi was fantasizing all day, every day, about another woman? 

ETA: Do you have a history of self-sabotage?

Post # 6
Member
38 posts
Newbee

PP is exactly right, imagine how it would feel if the tables were turned. You’d be so hurt and your trust would be broken. If you feel like you have to hide this from your fiancé, it’s already gone way too far.

If you must continue to work with the friend, have a frank discussion about boundaries. Let him know that your relationship is strictly professional and you’d prefer not to discuss any personal matters. Be firm and understand this means the end of the friendship.

Most importantly when you have such thoughts, remind yourself how hurtful they are to your fiancé and how they betray the promise you made when you agreed to marry him. Even if you have no intention to act, you are forming a complicated emotional attachment that feels reciprocated with any attention the other man offers you. Be so careful of trapping yourself in that complicated web and hurting the man you love.

Post # 7
Member
9439 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You need to end this friendship. I fully believe men and women can be just friends but I would not be okay with my husband being friends with a woman he’s fantasizing about all the time. Keep things professional at work but that’s it. You need to make a choice to prioritize your relationship. Honestly, keeping a friendship with this guy going just says you value that friendship more than your relationship with your fiancé and means you definitely aren’t ready to get married.

Post # 10
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

I have a slightly different perspective on this from other PPs. My fiance and I are VERY open about people we find attractive and don’t find issue with talking about it openly, maybe because we were best friends before dating, idk. But back when I was in college there was a guy I was in a dance class with that I found super physically attractive but would never ever date, I would classify it as a crush. I think the difference is that I was open about it with my fiance and told him how I felt as soon as I felt it. I also can’t remember ever fantasizing about him…but I don’t think it makes you a horrible person to feel physically attracted to another person. I think it’s unrealistic to think that as soon as you get into a serious relationship your body and feelings shut down and you can only feel things for your S.O. Whether you act on those things is a completely different story. 

I think the issue here is the shame and taboo that you feel–I think the taboo aspect makes this other guy even more appealing to you because it’s like your dirty little secret, and the shame perpetuates the taboo. If you were able to be open with your fiance and be like “hey, for some reason I find this guy at work hot–not really sure why” it wouldn’t be as big of an issue. When I had a crush on that guy in college, it wasn’t an issue for us. And my fiance has told me before “hey, I saw this girl that I went to middle school with for the first time in years. She’s super hot now”. If anything, it puts a spark in our sex life because we get turned on by random people and then reap the benefits by boinking each other 😛

Post # 11
Member
7972 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think there is a big difference between noticing and being momentarily attracted to others–totally normal–and having obsessive, all-day sexual thoughts about a friend that OP states: “I know I should end the friendship but I really don’t want to”. 

Post # 13
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

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tabbylove2 :  Have you considered talking to a professional about it? If you truly feel like the thoughts are out of your control and are taking over your dreams then you may need someone who is trained in this type of stuff to help you figure out where it’s coming from–we can try and give you advice but we won’t be able to identify the root of the issue for you. You could genuinely not be ready to get married, you may be having cold feet and it’s manifesting this way but is ultimately harmless, it could be something entirely different. You’ll need to do some self-reflecting and work with a professional to find out

Post # 14
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Let’s take your fiancé out of the equation for a minute.

You’ve known your friend for years, but you never had any feelings at all during that time? Are you sure you didn’t suppress them because you just didn’t think he was “marriage material” and that’s what you were on the hunt for?
Then, when you found a partner you want to marry, it’s harder to suppress these feelings because you’re no longer longing for that fulfillment?

Why exactly is this friend someone you never would date? You said he’s not the type to introduce to your parents but that’s pretty vague.  

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