please help I cant stop fantasizing about cheating on my fiance with my friend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you’re in the realm of normal. I agree some therapy may help you explore why this guy is having such an impact on your thoughts and dreams. Maybe your subconscious is seeking some sort of validation from him. He wanted to date previously, do you still hold’s the same value in his mind? Or maybe he’s filling a relationship role that hasn’t previously been a part of your life. The “work spouse” role (although the term makes me cringe a little). Simply someone who supports you and helps you accomplish tasks and understands the tiny details of your workload. It’s by no means a sexual relationship, but it is someone you share goals, stress and excitement with. Maybe it’s just a little cross wiring that your brain keeps escalating to sexual even though it isn’t what you want. 

I think you’ll be okay! I think if you take some action (sort out what he does and doesn’t mean to you) the thoughts will eventually pass. I would personally think of gross things when the intimate thoughts invade your mind. You know, bring in some balance! 

Post # 18
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I’d say take a break from fiancé to get your feelings in order. You say you won’t cheat but you probably will and will find any excuse your fiancé does to “justify” that (bad communication, big fights, relationship distance). I think you just have to do some self searching to see what you want. 

Are you sure you don’t want to be with your friend? It sounds like you do just besides the fact that “he’s not the type to bring home”  

Post # 19
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Girl, if a guy has totally different values and truly, seriously, is your opposite, then you simply shouldn’t find him attractive. I’m sorry, I’m calling bs on your denial that there is truly something attractive about this guy that you haven’t been fighting the whole time you’ve known him. 

Maybe he’s embarrassing. Maybe he isn’t someone you bring home to mom and dad and you would be embarrassed to be seen with him. 

But you are still sexually attracted to him? I don’t believe that for one second. I can’t think of a single guy in the world who I would be embarrassed to be seen with that I still continue to be attracted to. I don’t think any girl can. 

You like him. You do. A lot. Don’t deny it anymore. You probably don’t know why you like him so much, but at this point you’re just embarrassing yourself, rather than him embarrassing you. Don’t marry your fiance if you’re fixated on someone else. This “friend” will come back to haunt you unless you can pull yourself together. 

And no one here can tell you how to pull yourself together. There’s a learning curve to being professional around a guy. If you truly love your fiance, remind yourself that HE is the love of your life, and no amount of sex from anyone, not even the hottest celebrity alive, can please you like your fiance does simply by smiling at you. 

Post # 20
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Personally I think sometimes crushes/fantasies just happen, they flare up and die down. It’s hard to say if the crush points to soemthing larger thats wrong, but assuming you are truly happy with your fiance, it might just be a thing where your brain is attaching itself to a little fantasy, enjoying the novelty. I really disagree that even a whisper of sexual attraction to anyone not your fiance means you are messed up or your relationship is or so on.

Just like if you watch a movie with an attractive actor doing a sexy thing you can be like “oooh”. Doesn’t mean you actually know if you’d like spending a lot of time around actual Ryan Gosling or whatever or that you would love them more than your spouse, its just the little scenario and the cute person that’s hot. I agree with the person who said that if that’s the case the feeling that it’s forbidden might only make it more enticing and get you kind of stuck on spinning your wheels.

What if you gave yourself permission to just relax into the fantasy for a week or so while also bearing in mind that its just a fictional version of this person- not the real person? What if you explored what the scenario of the fantasy means to you- like maybe you want your fiance to grab you more passionately? Or flirt somewhere that’s not your usual spot (a bit hard to do right now but…) or make out like strangers, or in an inappropriate place- maybe the forbidden passion angle is your brain looking for a way to keep things sparking. Maybe knowing that someone else found you hot in the past is running your motor.

I think this thing might run its course a bit more if you accept it as a feeling and re-direct it instead of thinking of it as a thing you need to STOP RIGHT NOW STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, because thats probably why you are thinking about it so much. A lot of our culture tells us if we have a “bad” thought we need to supress it and destroy it immediately as opposed to thoughts are not actions and feelings are temporary if you let them wash through you.  To truly deal with a feeling you need to let it play its way all the way through the cycle.

That doesn’t mean you can play with fire though- be careful to not be intimate with this guy, not to text him, not to look at his social media, not to make excuses to be around him at work, all of that. Engaging in emotional intimacy with the real person would be a problem.

 

Post # 21
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

Meh, I think some people are blowing this out of proportion. You’re not made of marble and you’re human. Crushes happen but they’re just that. Especially with a “what if guy”. We all have these guys from our pasts that IF ONLY timing/mental stability/luck or whatnot had worked we THINK things could/would have been different. HOWEVER, you need to make sure to stay rational and do things to make it stop like:

– do not engage in flirting or complimenting

– keep it 100% professional

– remind yourself why it would NEVER work

– imagine him in everyday life (there’s something about the daily life of seeing your partner talk about bills, unclogging the toilet or farting that brings you out of fantasy LOL)

– think of what would happen in your life if you were to cheat (but like really, not in concept)

– tell someone (a therapist or a verryyyyy close friend): there is something about saying it out loud that brings you back to reality.

You’ll be fine, the crush will subside in about a month or so.

 

Post # 24
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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tabbylove2 :  maybe you’re bored sexually with your partner? The “he’s great to me, perfect guy, but not the rip his pants off kind of passion” relationship. I say be honest with your partner, break off the engagement, move out, and bone this bad boy you’ve been fantasizing about for ages. Get it out of your system without cheating on anyone. Either way, youre not ready to settle down and marry your partner. I think there’s a lot about yourself that you haven’t explored because of your upbringing and what your family expects from you. No one is telling you that you have to marry him! But have the earth-shattering, toe curling sex you’ve been longing for with this guy. Just don’t cheat. 

Post # 26
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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brideprivee :  I doubt in a month or two her crush will subside. She’s had this friend for years 

Post # 27
Member
7 posts
Newbee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  why would you give someone this kind of advice?

Throw out a happy 4 year long relationship where they have an established life and home and were getting married? Makes no sense. Just to go bone a “bad boy” she’s had a crush on for a week. Right. 

let’s say she does just this. What next? She has sex with him and he’s out of her system. I’ll take her word that she’s not interested in a relationship with him. Even if she was didn’t she say he doesn’t want marriage and she does? 
So now she’s stuck with the real dude. Not the sexy fantasy in her head, but the real person who she has nothing in common with or any actual feelings for. 80% sure the sex wouldn’t even be what she’s imagining. Fantasy is fantasy for a reason, OP is the author in her head. What if this guy is actually the complete opposite of what she thinks it will be like?

So now she’s in legal issues with her shared house and broke off her engagement. Let’s remember that she said she’s in love with her fiancé and their relationship is happy. 
Sparks come and go, let’s not pretend you’re 100% having fiery hot sex with your SO all the time. 

Post # 28
Member
7 posts
Newbee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  sure, but she said she never had feelings or attraction for him before. 

A lot of us have had to cancel or postpone weddings. This bee as well. Maybe it’s been messing with her head. 

Post # 29
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
tabbylove2 :  may I ask how long your fantasy has been going on? Recently or have you had this fantasy about your friend for awhile? If it’s been recent I say take ahold of your emotions as it’s not worth it but if it’s been awhile then you def have to do some self thinking. 

Post # 30
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Bee, I can almost guarantee that you’re building this guy up in your head. The real life version will not be that exciting. 

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