please help I cant stop fantasizing about cheating on my fiance with my friend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
38 posts
Newbee

OP, I had another thought after reading some of your replies. I agree with a PP about how the forbidden element of this makes it more appealing, and since you’re feeling ashamed that is probably making it more of a compulsive thought pattern. That’s a tough cycle to beat. I think people have a gut reaction that this is over the line, but I understand you don’t WANT to be struggling with these feelings.

I wonder if this could be a byproduct of your increased self esteem lately. You’re feeling good about yourself, taking care of yourself and this friend noticed. Are you feeling like your fiancé hasn’t noticed you in the same way? How has your relationship been going with the added pressure of  essential work and being quarantined? Maybe making an effort to get closer in your relationship and spend some quality time with your fiancé (a stay-home date night or something like that) would help to shift the balance of positive feelings back to him and spark some excitement.

Post # 32
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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lifeisbeeutiful :  agreed. As I’ve been that girl in a wrong relationship telling myself it’s right because he was “the type to bring home” I left and ended up up with my long time best friend who was also “not the type to bring home”.  Not only have I brought him home I’m about to make him my husband and we have a beautiful daughter together. 

Post # 33
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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bluetrue :  becuse she has been in a long term relationship,and is engaged to marry (hopefully a lifelong decision), and she is struggling with NIGHTLY fantasies about another man. There is something very, very wrong here. I think it will be a huge mistake to marry her fiance with these unresolved feelings and longing for another man. I wouldn’t want to marry my husband if he was having nightly fantasies about another woman, and daydreaming about her hands and lips on him- would you? 

I think this is a big wake up call for OP.

Post # 35
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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bluetrue :  no one should ever stay with someone just to avoid legal issues with a home, and because they’re a “great person”. Recipe for a miserable life.

Post # 36
Member
7 posts
Newbee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  She says she’s happy and loves her fiancé. Doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love him because she’s having sexual urges for someone else, by fantasy.

There is a lot of poly people who go through this. I’m not saying she is or that she should cheat, but human sexuality is complex and just because she’s fantasizing doesn’t mean her relationship is bad for her or the bad boy is good for her. 

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lifeisbeeutiful :  I agree, I’m believing OP when she says she’s happy and loves her SO. If she doesn’t then yes, you’re right. 
I don’t think she should make any rash decisions because quarantine all has us a little crazy right now. Feelings manifest in different ways. 

Post # 37
Member
370 posts
Helper bee

Hey bee, I’m sorry if you’re feeling a bit attacked or like you’re a bad person. You’ve done the right thing by recognizing your feelings and seeking help trying to figure out how to make them stop, as that’s what you’ve expressed you want. And I totally understand not having the resources for a licensed therapist–is there a friend you can talk through this with? Someone who can keep your converstion confidential and remain as unbiased as possible while you sort through your feelings?

As for your question on whether or not I think this situation is “that severe” to see out a professional now–I’m of the belief that things shouldn’t be dire for a person to seek out professional help. It’s always better IMO to talk to someone if you can right when you feel things taking a turn and there’s still an opportunity to change the outcome, rather than going to therapy when you feel overwhelmed and like you’re in too deep, or you’ve made a decision you can’t take back. I don’t think your situation is severe, I think you’re feeling really confused and uneasy and you don’t have a support system to lean on–this is exactly what a therapist can provide for you. 

I don’t think you should act on anything at the moment–breaking off your engagement or sleeping with this guy won’t fix whatever is going on beneath the surface. And I know it scares you, but I would consider opening up to someone in your life about what’s going on because it might break the taboo. It’s not a secret that you have to shove down and try and ignore, instead it’s an obstacle you’re working to overcome.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this–I can only imagine how you must be feeling. And I know I’m just some random stranger on the internet, but I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

Post # 38
Member
630 posts
Busy bee

Is your Fiance the first person you have been with sexually? Are you perhaps realising getting married means that you won’t be able to explore yourself more sexually?

How long have you been working with this guy? Seems v sudden to just come on this extreme

Post # 39
Member
13768 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I really think you are kidding yourself when you say everything is wonderful and perfect in your relationship with your fiance. If that was really so, I don’t think you’d be having obsessive thoughts about another man. Normally, I’d say take a break and postpone the wedding, but that’s probably moot. 

One thing you can do for your own sanity is to stop indulging these thoughts when you are aware of them. I think you have more control than you give yourself credit. Every time the thought pops into your head, think of how your fiance would feel or how you would if the situation was reversed. Instead, do something nice for him or someone else in your life, or distract yourself with another activity that requires focus. 

I also think you should let him know that the comments about your apoearance make you uncomfortable and are unprofessional. By enabling his comments you are knowingly feeding into this thing. 

Post # 41
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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bluetrue :  I agree with this too. I think he’s a lot hotter in your head than in real life. 

Post # 43
Member
13768 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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tabbylove2 :  Then maybe you aren’t ready for marriage. 

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