please help I cant stop fantasizing about cheating on my fiance with my friend

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

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tabbylove2 :  girl I’m going to say it again because everybody seems to only ever think about sunshine and rainbows when it comes to relationships but you’ll be just fine. It doesn’t say anything about your fiance or even about this guy; but it says something about you. Check yourself, that’s it. Remember: it’s all in your head!!! You imagine that he has this burning desire for you, but he probably doesn’t, maybe his body odor is awful and his breath smells like oyster, he doesn’t know how to kiss and he makes that weird noise when he comes. The 50 shade of gray is you making it up. Just talk to somebody, that knows you (if you can’t afford a therapist) and don’t OVERTHINK it as something that is doom and gloom. I understand it feels like you are betraying your fiance and PP can make you feel like something is wrong with you because this “never” happens to them. Ain’t nothing wrong with you! You decide what to do with what’s in your head. You’re a human not an animal that is just going to lose control for a fantasy. Get yourself in check and in no time you’ll see all his faults again and snap out of it.

Post # 47
Member
630 posts
Busy bee

Okay if it’s only been three weeks that changes things a little… I feel like with keeping yourself in check and distant this could die down. Working with him again has probably just stirred up some of the old feelings for him 

Post # 49
Member
38 posts
Newbee

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tabbylove2 :  I’m so sorry you had to postpone. I completely understand! I’m dealing with the same disappointment of going from planning and being excited to being totally on hold with no idea when I can start again. It’s definitely sad. I think it’s totally normal to engage in a little bit of escaping from reality so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

FWIW I also think it adds a ton of pressure to suddenly have our social circles limited by this situation because it feels so much more isolated and disconnected from our sense of normalcy. I read somewhere that lots of people are having weird, vivid dreams! Don’t isolate yourself and drown in these icky feelings. Reach out to people! Is there a friend you could call just to catch up, or could you plan a virtual get-together with family? It might help just to get out of your own head for a little bit!

Post # 50
Member
7850 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You’re indulging yourself and you need to stop. I’m so sick of all the bullsh*t advice that we can’t help what we feel or the heart wants what the heart wants. We aren’t passive observers in our lives, and the feelings we indulge are our choice. So every  time thoughts of this guy come up, shut it down. Think about something awful or at least stop thinking about anything erotic with this guy. Those thoughts are a CHOICE, not something you can’t do anything about. If you want to save your relationship, then stop indulging yourself and take control of your life. 

Post # 51
Member
2361 posts
Buzzing bee

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tabbylove2 :  I really think some of the responses here are over the top and missing the point. The OP says she loves her fiance, doesn’t find her friend very attractive, and isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him. 

What you are fantasizing about really has nothing to do with this guy. It is simply fear and ego which have made an irresistable combination. Let’s take a look at this guy:

– he liked you a lot in the past
– he wanted a relationship with you more recently
– he is a ‘bad boy’

What this says to me is that you see this guy as a challenge. He isn’t ‘marriage material’ and there’s probably some level of wanting to tame and conquer there. On the other hand, he’s already admitted to being conquered by you, and imagining he’s lusting and yearning after you makes you feel desirable and alive. You fantasize about him losing control and the excitement of the forbidden. You are fantasizing about feeling sexy. You aren’t really fantasizing about HIM. 

I think this is coming as a direct result of your engagement and postponement. Commiting to one person for the rest of your life is a MASSIVE deal. Even if you love your fiance and want to commit it can still be overwhelming and emotional. Now that your wedding has been postponed, there’s something about this that says “I’m not married yet…there’s still time…” regardless of whether or not you want to follow through. You might be a little bored with your current sex life or miss the days when your fiance was doing the ravaging. It’s like indulging in romance novels, except you’ve substituted a real person for Fabio in your fantasy. 

Sure, there is the possiblilty that you aren’t ready for marriage. There is the possibility that you have stronger feelings for this guy than you previously thought. I encourage you to really think about that. If you truly feel that these are not the case, then I think it’s more about what I stated above. Ego and fear, excitement and desirability. If that is really all this is, then I don’t think it’s wrong to just go with your fantasies and enjoy yourself. Possibly when you stop beating yourself up so much for fantasizing about another man and relax, it will stop feeling so compelling. 

Post # 52
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

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tabbylove2 :  Usually, I would say that little crushes are normal. We don’t stop being attracted to other people after marriage or engagement. BUT-this is concerning. From the outside looking in, it seems like perhaps this guy has something your guy doesn’t have. You mention he’s the “not the kind to take home to your parents” type. Are you having a “bad boy” fantasy? Are you wanting to have some kind of wild love affair? It almost sounds like you are looking for some kind of excitement in your life.

But regardless, you should do your best to confront whatever is driving you to feel this way head on. 

Post # 53
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

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tabbylove2 :  “he’s not the kind you bring home to your parents” – is this the appeal to you, he’s an edgy type your actually attracted to and your Fi is a good guy that you feel is the type you marry? Bad boy/nice boy?

If so this is really unfair to you Fi and tbh I don’t think you should get married to him or anyone else until you can work out what you actually want.

Post # 54
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

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echomomm :  I see what you’re saying, but in my experience, anytime I try to shut a thought up or avoid thinking about something, it always comes back stronger than before. It’s damn near impossible for me to shut a thought down and I think a lot of people might feel that way. 

Post # 55
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

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newbee5 :  I’m honestly surprised this has so many upvotes. I can’t imagine many people finding that their partner constantly fantasised about a type “you wouldn’t bring home to your parents”  – that they worked with – who had a crush on them – in the middle of planning their wedding, to be a turn on.

I definitely don’t think Fi would be turned on by hearing me say that lol. I don’t know, this seems like the kind of thing someone who wants or would be open to an open marriage would do. That’s not for most people, I doubt it will be for her Fi.

Post # 56
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  this! Imagine a man saying his fiance is the perfect partner, he’s so happy with her, the perfect wife material, someone to build a life with, but damn he just can’t stop thinking about having sex and kissing the woman at work, the one who’s so not life partner mateiral, the bad girl who his parents would never approve of. 

Something is very wrong here and I don’t think OP is really 100% sure about her choices. 

Post # 57
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I think people are being a little harsh here. It is clear that the OP is very distressed by the thoughts that she is having. 

OP, have you heard of intrusive thoughts? They’re a symptom of anxiety and with all of what’s going on in the world at the moment, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re experiencing them. Basically everyone in the world has thoughts that they don’t want, but some people end up completely fixated on them in a vicious cycle. One really common type of intrusive thought is sexual attraction.

I’m not saying that this is what the OP is experiencing, but generally when people have distressing, domineering thoughts that they don’t want, it’s worth considering whether it’s anxiety related. 

Post # 58
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

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Brideordie :  I agree, obsessively or constantly fantasizing about another person isn’t a turn on. I was trying to say that I think OP might be putting so much of a taboo onto this that she feels ashamed and might be beating herself up over something that isn’t as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be in her head. I understand that my example was different because I was never obsessive about it and didn’t fantasize, and my fiancé and I have already established a relationship where talking about that kind of thing is fine and we don’t take offense to it. But maybe if OP has a relationship with someone close to her whom she can open up to about this, she’ll be met with the same causality I was met with by my fiancé. I think if she had mentioned this to someone at the very beginning and they had shrugged and went “okay, so?” She may not be driving herself down this rabbit hole and beating herself up because the taboo would be stripped away. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, just trying to provide a different point of view that might help and to lighten the mood with a joke about boinking each other. But the point of my comment wasn’t to say that this should be a turn on, because it wouldn’t be in any relationship. Mine included.  

Post # 59
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly you’re probably just bored.  I swear this Corona stuff has made everyone go a little stir crazy.  Just don’t act on it.

Post # 60
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

OP, when did you say he mentioned that he had a crush on you? Was it in the past when you were closer friends or recently? I only ask because maybe you subconsciously got an ego boost from said previous confession and are looking for more and maybe this is how it’s manifesting since he started working with you more closely recently. Sometimes it feels good to to be wanted (in any way-friend/sexually/mentor etc) and you can think/fantasize about scenarios in which this type of praise can occur. Something may be lacking from your current relationship and you might not have even recognized it. Especially with everything going on right now and the stress and anxiety we all have been feeling. Maybe it’s that stress and anxiety manifesting that way.

Either way, hopefully things clear up for you and you can talk to your fiancé about your relationship in more depth and strengthen your bond. 
If you really feel the thoughts are intrusive and intruding on your daily life, it wouldn’t hurt to reach out to talk to someone professionally. 
Best of luck! Be well & stay safe! 

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