please help I cant stop fantasizing about cheating on my fiance with my friend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
630 posts
Busy bee

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tabbylove2 :  You already know the guy outside of work. Doing that would achieve nothing. 

Post # 64
521 posts
Busy bee

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tabbylove2 :  I mean I’m sorry but sexy dreams and erotica novels? That should not have you thinking this neurotically about another person. Noticing someone else is fine and natural but if your putting this much importance on a dream and substituting this guy for a character in a erotic story, You probably aren’t in A good headspace to get married.

Tbh you may want to talk to a professional because this is all sounding very neurotic and immature at this point – what if you suppress this then start having similar feelings when married? Sorry but if this is that troubling to you I really think you need to work through why you obsess in this neurotic way in this first place before you get married. Your Fi deserves better than this. (Also if erotica has you thinking this neurotically you may want to think about stopping reading it.)

Post # 65
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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tabbylove2 :  I agree that your dream is more symbolic than literal. You miss going out and partying, and I bet you and your fiance have talked about wanting to go out again. Your friend reappears in your life during a stressful time, and the two of you are suddenly spending a lot of time together. It’s something novel yet familiar all at once.

Your dreams started at the intersection of quarantine stress and novel thing in life. Your dream brain mashed things together, happens all the time. BUT NOW it’s got you even more stressed out and constantly thinking about the dream while working with friend. You’ve basically created a new stress dream for yourself. 

Try this for the rest of the week – relax about the dream. Laugh at it and at yourself (in a kind way). It’s just a dream after all. Weird shit happens in dreams all the time. When you start having the weird feelings in real life, take a deep breath and remember that it’s all just in your head and not real. Laugh it off and move to thinking about something else. 

Post # 66
1858 posts
Buzzing bee

This is such a sensitive topic and I’m not sure there is any correct answer. Some people think crushes are a normal part of life whereas others think its sign of a problem in the relationship.

I mean speaking for myself, I notice attractive men but I make a point of not becoming too close with them whether at work or friendship-wise because I’m married and why tempt fate. I think it’s irresponsible to spend so much time with and call a guy your best and oldest friend when you know he is into you. If a man in into you, and you’re unavailable WHICH YOU ARE, then the classy thing to do is to create some distance and not encourage it. I ha d a colleague who obviously had a crush on me last year and although I would have liked to have been friends with him because we knew eachother from way back and he’s a nice guy, his crush made that not an option. I think you enjoy the attention and find it flattering, and now you’ve found yourself in a bit of a mess. Maybe see a psych and talk to them xo

Post # 67
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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bluetrue :  a lot of poly people do not go through this. Poly is a lifestyle choice, not an orientation. Poly people who do not want to be monogamous self select other poly people and are open about what is permissible or not. It is, by definition, ethical nonmonogamy.

OP, I am guessing that you’re not ready to settle down/stick with one partner. This guy is just a proxy for your desire to sexually explore or see what’s outside your relationship. I don’t think this extent of sexual infatuation is normal for a monogamous person who is ready to commit.

FH and I are poly. I have no desire to go searching for additional mates. I don’t fantasize about other people the way you are doing. I presume that is because I am wholly satisfied in my relationship. I suspect you are not, whether it’s the man or the monogamy or the commitment.

Good luck

Post # 68
3750 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I don’t think this is that odd. I’ve worked with people who I’ve fantasized about. It would never work in “real” life. It’s just fantasy. If you put too much focus on it, it probably gets worse. I really don’t think this is all that unusual. Of course the “fantasy” is much different than real life. Yea, I’m married, but I’m also human. 

Post # 69
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I haven’t read through the whole thread.  Being a Psych Nurse my mind goes into a different direction.  Do you have any form of OCD?  We treat many OCD pts., who have forbidden thoughts, that they would never act upon, yet this thought keeps popping up in their brain.  The pts find this torturous, so they keep trying to not think about it, which of course keeps it foremost in their thoughts.  Just another take, on it.

Post # 70
3 posts

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tabbylove2 :  Your just lusting. It’s not love. I’ve already been there done that with a “man” it’s a big joke. Your sexually excited and hot-in-the-pants. 🔥  Go take a shower 🚿. You should calm down in a week or so. It’s better than making a mistake and getting pregnant. 👶

Post # 71
552 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP’s. I think you are just bored. I’ve been having crazy dreams and I’ve seen a couple of reports of people saying the same. Right now the whole world is on a bit of a time out. We aren’t being social and we aren’t doing anything outside of work. It’s not strange to me that your mind is wandering and the more you stress about it and try not to think about it the more you’re going to obsess. 

I don’t agree that this means you aren’t happy in your relationship or that you need to end things. I don’t think I have EVER been in a long term relationship where I never had a little crush or thought for someone else. They always went away. I think they typically came up during times of stress (LIKE NOW!) or if I honestly just happened to meet someone that I clicked with and would have probably dated had I been single. But I was in love with a committed to my partner. Do I think there are women out there who have never experienced that? Yah! That doesn’t mean that I am a bad person or you are a bad person just becuase we have. Remind yourself that your mind is playing tricks on you, try to avoid him when you can and see if you can break the habit. 

I once had an issue with obsessive thoughts about a past event in my life that was really upsetting. My therapist at the time suggested I pick out a song and play it with earbuds whenever I found myself going down a rabbit hole. It really helped. I picked something upbeat and funny and it totally took me out the moment every time until those thoughts were few and far between. That wasn’t about a man or sex but it may still work 

Post # 72
27 posts

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lulubelle2017 :  lulubelle2017 :  SAME! I have a REALLY hard time beliveing none of these woman have ever had crush on someone else besideds their partner. Its just temporary infatuation that goes away after a few days. All my friends in marriages or committed relationships have admitted to having crushes every once in a while. 

Post # 73
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This doesnt sound like a crush, and its been going on for weeks. I have an extremely hard time believing that many people on here wouldn’t be VERY bothered to hear their partner say:

“I have to work a few long nights with him at our office and it just makes me tingle in a bad way”

“I just can’t stop thinking about him, it’s multiple times a day”

I’m 100% pro opposite sex friends, opposite sex co-workers going for lunch, etc, but this is definitely NOT ok. It doesnt even sound like OP is bored, because she’s out working 10 hour shifts with her sexy fantasy man. 

Post # 75
582 posts
Busy bee

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tabbylove2 :  why can’t you tell your fiance you’re having sex dreams that freak you out and make you feel weird about someone who used to be a friend? Relationships are built on *communication*.

In your shoes, I’d tell my Fiance about the dreams and about your past friendship with this guy and let him have access to your phone or messenger accounts. It would make you less likely to actually stray. The important man in your life, your Fiance, will be able to have his guard up around this guy. 

It’s kind of like an alcoholic having access to a coworker’s bottle of whiskey. You would then tell your partner you suddenly have access to something you might crave but don’t actually want. Might help keep from self-sabotaging if someone who can hold you accountable knows there might be an issue. 

Also pinch yourself every time you have a daydream about the guy. Literally. 

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