(Closed) Please help – I’m the maid of honour, but I don’t want to be her friend…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Honestly, at this point in her planning and the fact that she doesn’t think there is anything wrong I would probably just play along than break her heart!

Are you sure that you want your entire relationship of 10 years to be completely over and never be able to talk to her again. Because that is what would happen if you “broke up” with her now!

After the wedding you can continue to let the relationship drift and let it happen gradually and naturally as opposed to telling her outright that you don’t like her any more!

Just my 2 cents!

Post # 4
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

@Karen2013:  Yikes. This is a tough one.  I’m not sure I have the answer, but if I were in the situaltion, I’d likely just stick with things, be the Maid/Matron of Honor, and see what happens after the wedding.  I think people grow apart for various reasons, and often years after marriage some of the bridesmaids aren’t even part of the bride’s life any more.  I’m pretty non-confrontational, though.  Since the wedding’s so close, I’d just go ahead with the plan.

Post # 6
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Having had three of my bridesmaids (led by one very crazy one) drop out of my wedding in dramatic fashion, I am VERY relieved that they are not in any of my wedding photographs. Our friendships were childhood ones and fading for years and while I tried to see them as the people they used to be, the fact is they were no longer those people. After ruining my shower and my bach party, I was really pissed that they just didn’t drop out sooner. They made my whole entire wedding planning process a living nightmare.

As hard as it is, I would be honest with her now and cut your losses. It will hurt her, but it’s for the best. I couldn’t imagine looking back on my wedding and having those friends that didn’t support me around me on such an important day in my life. I’m so relieved I can look back at my smiling, supportive bridesmaids the day of the wedding and feel happy.

Post # 7
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’ve got to say the opposite. Tell her, now while she can still decide on someone else. Do you really think she’d rather look back at her wedding photos and see a friend who “broke up” with her (not trying to be harsh, sounds like you’ve kept a dying relationship going for far longer than anyone could expect) standing next to her in all the pics than hear your opinion in time to find someone else?

 

EDIT: What leebaby said! Didn’t see her post.

Post # 8
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012 - Watch tower lodge, Black hawk state Park Rock Island, IL

I think the best, most respectful and classy way is to bow out now…she will remember that day for the rest of her life and knowing you faked it for that day and seeing it in pictures will ruin the day more than if your just not there…..shes going to be hurt but further down the road she will appriciate the honesty now more.

Post # 9
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is definitely a tough one.  If there was more time, I’d certainly say back out.  But 3 months is not much time for her to find a replacement.  However, honesty is the best policy and no one should pretend to be friends.  I wish you had said no in the first place.  Perhaps now it is best to follow through with your commitment.  

Post # 10
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

Wow, I feel like i was just in your situation!  My friend got married on St. Patrick’s Day and I was a bridesmaid (not the Maid/Matron of Honor, thankfully).  We have been friends since middle school, but between the time she asked me to be in the wedding and now, we have really grown apart.  To the point where it’s hard to be around her.  It was SO difficult for me to muster up any sort of excitement for her wedding.  I felt very hypocritical, but at the same time, I felt it would do more damage to say I didn’t want to be in the wedding.  My plan all along was to be supportive throughout the wedding process and then just let things naturally “fizzle” after the wedding. 

I don’t like that your friend says things about your husband to your face.  That is not ok.  She seems to be overly clingly, i’ve had friends like that as well.  I don’t like when girlfriends act like that.  You’re not dating them, lol!

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Post # 11
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would definitely just put on a happy face… You loved her like a close friend at one point and this is supposed to be one of the best times of your lives…

I’d just treat her how you’d want to be treated, and honestly, it is a crazy bad move to ditch her with 3 months left… I mean I know you’ve had rough spots and etc and you’ll probably not be super friendly after the wedding but I wouldn’t make a big mess of everything by leaving now… just take a deep breath and move through it. 

You’re a good friend. Kill those bad feelings with kindness! You’re doing the right thing Wink

Post # 12
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I can’t imagine finding out one day that my Maid/Matron of Honor was just playing along when she really didn’t want to be friends with me, and this could definitely be one of those things she’ll eventually find out.  It would feel like such a betrayal, and she’ll always look at those photos with anger.  I’m voting for bowing out now rather than later, but I know it’s not easy for you either way.  

Post # 13
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

You have not talked to her about these things but you are ready to call off the friendship? Sounds like you and your friend need to have a real heart to heart. Tell her  what you posted here in a very gentle, nice way. Let her know your concerns and tell her you love her but that these things really bother you. If she doesn’t change, then look into backing out. Honestly, she may not realize what she is doing and how it is affecting the friendship. Give her a chance to learn and grow. 

Post # 14
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry  you’re dealing with this.  I’m in a similar situation – I’m a bridesmaid, not a Maid/Matron of Honor, but my friend’s wedding has taken over her life and she has decided that it should be the center of everyone’s universe.  I’m planning my own wedding a few months later and am the ONLY out of state bridesmaid.  She rarely talks on the phone about anything apart from her wedding, and if she asks me about my own, or about anything else in my life, she then turns it right back to her.

I barely recognize what used to be my friend and can only hope that once her wedding is over things will go back to normal.

If you need further, more personal advice, feel free to PM me.

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