Please help me..

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
10042 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

dolovey :  Ruined? In what way? I absolutely hate when a woman loses her virginity to someone other than her eventual husband as “ruined”. Thats disgusting. Ruined as in you are hurt beyond healing and being stronger? That is immature on his part. You’re worth much more than both adjectives. Again, I am sorry you are hurting and it is a crap time but you will be stronger in the long run for it.

Post # 17
4470 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

dolovey :  Don’t overthink it.  You need to break this off.  This is NOT a healthy relationship.

Post # 18
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It shouldn’t be this hard in the first 6 months. You certainly shouldn’t be engaged. Break it off. 

Post # 19
151 posts
Blushing bee

He’s right about one thing — if it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And this relationship doesn’t. Listen to him and move on to find a relationship that does, without all the fights and questions and insecurities. Or find happiness within yourself! You’re young, and there is great merit to being single and finding yourself and exploring your own life. Don’t discount that. 

He’s very, very wrong about another thing, though — you are not ruined and will not be ruined by this breakup, you are strong and you will get through it and in a week or a month or a year you will look back and be so thankful that you gave yourself more credit than he is giving you. You will be able to move on and heal on your own, and you will be a happier, stronger, better, and more confident person for it. You do not need him to be happy. You do not need him to live.

My emotionally abusive ex told me I couldn’t leave him because I’d be miserable and alone and that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Guess what? I was, and he’s an asshole, and I’m a better person for leaving. You will be too.

Post # 20
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

dolovey :  DO NOT go to the internet over that message. None of us understand what it means. As I had said in my message to you, grow and learn from this experience. For the sake of your relationship, cut the middle man out of your relationship (this forum, social media, friends) and just talk to your man!

Ask him what he means by that message, have a deep conversation with him, ask him his thoughts and opinions, his feelings. Do not make it about you when asking, don’t guilt him about your feelings. Give him time to talk and explain, he could be having some emotional turmoil himself, but more than likely if he cares he will ask in return about your feelings/thoughts on the situation or for responses on what he says.

Post # 21
4784 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

dolovey :  He is disrespectful of you and playing with you like a cat with a mouse.   A healthy relationship is a partnership of equals.  What you describe isn’t even close.  

Every one of us has a first “love” and that breakup is hard.  In time you will see that is was for the best, and is part of a LONG learning curve about what qualities make a good partner for YOU.   

Post # 22
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

The one line from your original post that got to me was “I just have to wait until he decides..”

No ‘you’ don’t!! Why is he the person deciding your relationship!? A relationship is about 2 people, not one. I get annoyed when I read about women here on the Bee waiting for their boyfriend to propose too. They won’t ask them about a timeline, or about their thoughts on getting married because they don’t want to ‘ruin the surprise’. So they wait – sometimes for years – while the man is supposed to be an all knowing being just because he has a penis… 

ok, my rant is over. It sounds like he’s afraid you’re going to freak out too much if he breaks up with you now, so he’s going to give it one more try, but is already feeling pretty hopeless about the situation (when he says ‘whatever happens happens’).  He likely figures the deployment will be a good time to break up … who knows, he might even be thinking ‘why not stay together until I deploy? At least I’ll get sex for another month’.

in any case, it sounds like the last dying gasps of the relationship. That’s ok. Everything in life is about learning. Take the good from this relationship. Learn what you loved about him, and what didn’t work. The next relationship will be better because of it. 

Post # 23
95 posts
Worker bee

I apologize for my bluntness; wrote this in a bit of a hurry.

A few thoughts:

– 6 months is not long at ALL before getting engaged

– If you haven’t met each other’s parents, that means y’all don’t even know the families you would be marrying into. Trust me, you’ll want the support of family for when he’s deployed!

– Rushing into things is very common for military couples – there is that fear and pressure with deployments and trainings approaching, but really you need to take it at the right pace for YOU.

– It sounds to me like you haven’t spent enough time really getting to know him or thinking about what a life with him would mean. What are you going to do when he’s deployed?

– Remember – being together out of fear of being alone is not a good reason; it can easily cause you guys to resent each other after a while.

– Other things also come to mind – do you have any experience managing your money? Supporting yourself? Moving to a new place? It sounds to me like if this doesn’t work out, you could set some goals for yourself to be a happier and more experienced woman.

I asked some tough questions but as someone dating a soldier myself, these are things I’ve had to ask – what does his career mean for mine? What will our finances look like if I struggle to find work in a new location? What will I do while he’s deployed? What will that mean for raising any kids? How would we handle a pregnancy? How would I feel about leaving everyone and everything I know?

I think at that point if it were me, I’d at least put the marriage thing on hold and work on being in a long distance relationship if anything. It’s not ideal, but it can work. Maybe make some goals of important things to learn about each other, but also make time for little dates, even if that means watch Netflix together on Skype. Dating someone in the military means you HAVE to be able to lead your own life when they’re away. Have to carry on with work or kids, have to get the bills paid and make the time go by until their return.

Ultimately though, it sounds to me like he rushed in because he’s nervous about leaving and has realized it. In the weakness of the moment he enjoyed being with you, but then came to his senses again. Feeling like you would die without him is not healthy, and neither is it respectful (or even modern) of him to think you have been ‘ruined’. Heartbreak is just that – it feels like your heart is broke and can never possibly mend. But it will. People live and learn. You guys just sound to me like you haven’t laid the foundation of a solid, healthy relationship, but that’s okay – I honestly feel people often have less-proud relationships that they learn a lot from. I certainly did. undecided


Red flags from your post, with my thoughts in parenthases:

“He is my first boyfriend and he is my everything.. (maybe you would benefit from more dating and life experience? Thinking that your partner is your life is common for first relationships) He’s in military and he has to leave in a month (I think it is very possible that you guys rushed into things out of fear of him leaving soon) now we’ve been dating for 6moths and we got engaged but he didn’t like when I wanted to post it on a Facebook and he didn’t want to tell anyone (wanting you to keep it a secret is a BIG red flag – why would he want you to keep it from friends and family?) from his work because he’s not close with them and he want his private and work separate so I understood him.

We made a plan to meet myparents this Saturday (this should ideally happen BEFORE you get engaged; two should be in a serious relationship before getting engaged; getting engaged does not make a relationship serious overnight)

He thinks we don’t ever talk like real talk (also a red flag; communication is very important in a marriage, especially in the military) except when we have a fight. He said all we talk is how are you doing did you eat How’s your day going stuff like that but it’s only because we talk 24/7 .. (Have you discussed career goals? Finances? Family? Having children? What it would be like to move around when he gets new PCS orders? Budgets? Values, ethics, morals?)

He has said that he thinks conversation is the most important thing in a relationship but he said we always have an argument for stupid little things..

tried to break up with him few days ago so I gave a ring back to him saying I’m not the right one for him but after that we hugged and we talked and I realized that I was too emotional and too moody and I realized I really love him (if you were too emotional to break up, then you may have been too emotional to stick to it? You may need to take more time and take a break to figure out what is best) that I can’t live without him.. 

we still had sex (I’m sorry but this is irrelevent; don’t take it as a sign of love) and we were good after that but all of so sudden he said we need to rethink all of it.. I’m so confused..

He said he still loves me and still wants to be with me but he said he doesn’t know if it’s right.. Maybe what we want ourselves to be isn’t realistic or something.. I can’t get it.. and he said even if things didn’t work and if we break up he would still care about me and would still want to be my friend. (Take it with a grain of salt; there is no way to know how he will feel when the time comes)

I can’t be a friend with him..

I don’t know what to do I feel lik I’m going to die..”

Post # 24
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A Historic Inn

The bees have really spelled it out for you. This isn’t the end for you, and you definitely shouldn’t think of it in those terms. You deserve someone who isn’t going to toy with you and play hot/cold with their emotions. This relationship will be a major emotional growth stage for you as you shape your young adult life. The first break up sucks and hurts, but you can use it as an opportunity to think and reflect! 

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