(Closed) Please help me before I ruin my marriage :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well, it seems like you are upset with your husband for not being how you want him to be, and so this other guy seems pretty cool.  I think you should have forgiven him for whatever he did when he brought you flowers.  I also think you need to talk to him about how you feel.  Make him dinner, sit him down, and say, “I feel that you don’t want to have anything to do with me.  What’s going on?”  DON’T say, “we need to talk,” because he’ll be on the defensive.  


Sometimes my fiance and I are not on the same schedule, and so we rarely see each other.  It sucks.  BUT…I talk to him about it, and we reassure each other that nothing is wrong, just that we’re on separate schedules.  


How old are you?

Post # 4
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You mentioned that you’ve talked to your Darling Husband about your concerns, as well as counseling – did you GO to counseling, or just suggested it? What does your Darling Husband say in response to your concerns?

Post # 7
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m not sure what age would have to do with it, but…

You really need to talk to your husband about this.

Everything you just wrote in this thread? You need to say this to him, outright. You don’t have to come at him from a place of anger, but you definitely need to come to him from a place of honesty and wanting to reconcile things in your marriage.

You need to tell him that you are experiencing the need to feel appreciated, and that this is something that has been upsetting you lately. You also need to come clean about your coworker. Reassure your husband that nothing has happened and that nothing *will* happen, but tell him that you don’t want to be feeling this way and that this is the kind of attention that you want to be getting from your HUSBAND.

You also need to give your coworker a heads’ up that you’re married. It doesn’t have to be awkward, you can just casually mention it in passing conversation. If he asks how your weekend was, you can play it off really cool, like, “Oh it was really nice- my husband and I went to go see (insert movie title here) on Saturday night.”

ETA: It also sounds like your husband may be suffering from an addiction- not all addictions are substance-related. It is not that uncommon for people to experience a literal addiction to technology, be it the internet, video games, etc. Has he ever been to a counselor that deals specifically with addiction?

Post # 8
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@troublednewlywed:  I dont think you did anything really wrong except maybe you should have said “no thats my husband.  They say the first year is the hardest and it always feels good when you know somebody has noticed you, thats normal.  Maybe you both need a good getaway together to try and spice things up and make time for the two of you!! 

Post # 9
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you tried having a date night?  A set night each week where you have dinner together (at the table!!!), have some wine, maybe watch a movie together (take turns picking…)?  That might be a good idea to reconnect. When you say you ask him to do x, y, and z, and he’d rather do something else, what is it he’d like to do?  Could you do whatever it is with him?

What are your hobbies?


AND…I would stop thinking about the guy at work.  He’s not your husband.  Don’t cheat on your husband, that’s trashy.  

Post # 11
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

To me, there’s nothing wrong with flirting as long as you have a good relationship. It sounds like you’re going through a rough patch right now though, so you shouldn’t be talking to another guy. It’s just going to tempt you. It’s really not fair to compare an older, true love relationship to a new “butterflies in my stomach” relationship. Of course the latter is going to seem more exciting right now, so don’t tempt yourself. 

You really need to work on recapturing the love in your marriage. I’m reading a book right now that had a big impact on me. It’s called the Five Languages of Love (http://www.amazon.com/The-Five-Love-Languages-Commitment/dp/1881273156.) It’s all about how you and your spose show love differently. He may think he’s doing everything you need and you may think you’re doing everything he needs, but neither of you are happy because you don’t understand eachother properly. You need to make a commitment to understanding and fulfilling each other’s needs so your relationship can improve. 

Post # 12
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i’m sorry that he doesn’t want to spend time with you.  that doesn’t seem healthy at all.

i can totally understand how you have developed feelings for this other person.  when you are not getting your needs met  and you are being ignored, it is not uncommon for you to withdraw your feelings and transfer them to someone who acknowledges you.  it will make you feel that you do exist.

you should have a serious conversation about this before things get worse at home or escalate with the other person.  have you considered going back to counselling together?? 

 i agree with the 5 love languages book.

Post # 13
14657 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Stop flirting with the coworker, this certainly isnt about a crush on him per se.  He is filling a void your husband has left and just about anyone who can fill that void is going to look very attractive at this point.  Don’t let some random guy that can give you the one need that your husband isnt not giving you at the moment blind you… and definitely tell the coworker the truth and that you are married.  The more available you look, the more he may try, the better you feel about yourself, the less you want to work on your marriage.  Focus on your marriage first.. some men show their love differently than what you need, maybe he thinks what is he doing is enough, or just doesnt openly expess or say if you look nice.. that doesnt mean he is not thinking it. 

Post # 15
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

When he asks you how he can make it better, and you give him examples, I think you should mention that one of your frustrations is that he makes an effort for a limited amount of time, and then it goes back to the same way it was. And then when it DOES go back, highlight that by saying ‘this is what I meant – THIS is back to the way it was, and why I’m feeling frustrated’. On all accounts, it seems as if you’re doing everything I would do, so unfortunately I don’t have a whole lot of recommendations. What happens when you discuss these issues in counseling together?

Saying you’re sorry, in my opinion, means you’re really saying ‘I’ll do my very best not to do that again’ and it doesn’t sound as if he’s making the honest effort. 

Might I ask how old you both are? Perhaps it is a maturity issue and he’s just not at the point in his life where he’s ready to really put someone else’s needs before his own. 

Edit: Just saw you posted about your age and I guess it isn’t all that significant. Some men are extremely mature and ready for marriage at 27, and some aren’t. 

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