Post # 1
We have been TTC for almost a year. I have PCOS and am probably going to start Clomid in January. However, we are having another big issue that has us both extremely upset. My DH is having problems with what I think is performance anxiety. It started last month and happened 3 or 4 times during what I should be ovulation week. But you know, PCOS, so things are all screwed up. He can initially “rise to the occasion,” but midway through, he is unable to keep things going and eventually finish.
He said that he was feeling really anxious about doing his part since we are having issues and he really didn’t want to let me down. I am trying to stay calm because I know it will just make it worse but it is so difficult. He was able to perform after that week so I think we were both really hopeful that things were fine.
But.. it just happened again last night. I initiated, so maybe he thought it was the fertile time and got nervous again? He says his mind goes completely blank and that it is not conscious anxiety, but I think that’s still the problem. He is under a lot of stress and work, with his family, and let’s be real, probably from my issues with TTC.
Anyone else been here? What have you done to overcome it? He’s going to the doctor to rule out something physical. Should he ask for anything in particular?
Thanks so much in advance. I really want to resolve this ASAP because I feel HORRIBLE for him. Also, there is no point in me going on drugs if we can’t overcome this hurdle.
Post # 2
A bee on this blog mentioned to have intercourse without letting him know its time. She said she stopped talking about it and would just seem very very in the mood on those days. He was completely clueless to it. I thought it was pretty good advice, and when I begin trying I will be follwoing it- hope this helped 🙂
Post # 3
This is so common and something my DH and I struggled with for a few months. My DH sounds much like yours – he tends to “get in his own head”, psyche himself out, and worry that he will let me down.
The first thing we did was talk about it. He was so embarrassed and I felt terrible for him, but it is important for him to know it isn’t HIS fault if I don’t get pregnant this month. I reminded him that even with great timing, we only have a 20% chance of conceiving. I think this took some of the pressure off of him knowing that it isn’t entirely up to him.
Secondly, he went to the doctor just to make sure something more serious wasn’t going on. I suspected it was 100% psychological, which it was, but he still wanted to get checked out for his peace of mind.
Third, we started with more foreplay and intimacy rather than just “going at it”. It turns out that giving me full body massages turns him on (I really can’t complain!) and is a distraction from the “job”. Find out his turn on and distraction!
Another tip – not sure how you feel about visual stimulation (aka porn), but it helped to get things going a few times when we’re both exhausted! Hope this helps.
Post # 4
Thank you! I need to get better about that. I did not let him know it was time the lat time, but I think he just assumes when I am initaiating it’s go time.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s so helpful to hear from someone who has been there. I really need to explain the odds to him. I think I have painted it in such a way, out of my own frustration, where he feels like he can fix the problem by performing and is thus getting really anxious about it.
Did the doctor do or say anything in particular that helped him or was just getting checked out for peace of mind good enough? I think he may be struggling with anxiety more generally. He is one of those really strong guys who is a rock for everyone around him and I think he’s having his own issues under the surface.
We will definitely work on number three. I have been trying, but we both have been working a lot of hours lately, so I am probably a little lazy in that department.
I have no issue at all with porn, but I don’t how he would feel about it. I will give it a try. Thanks again for the suggestions.
Post # 5
The doctor did a full panel of bloodwork to check hormone levels and overall health, which all came back perfect or close to it, so ultimately his diagnosis was TTC anxiety. The doctor didn’t really offer any suggestions or treatments (to my knowledge). We pretty much just had to figure out what works and doesn’t work! There have been some nights where he really struggles to get going which is where the porn and massage really helps out. I mean, I’m not thrilled about the idea of our child being conceived to porn lol but 12 months into this, I’m willing to try anything that works!
Post # 6
I would Try not to tell him much about fertile times, OpK, cm etc. its really hard for men to not feel a lot of pressure of they know they might let you down etc.
Post # 7
Ahhh, good to know. Hopefully that is what my DH’s doctor will do too. I think knowing its not a physical issue will mamke us both feel better. I definitely need to work on figuring out what will work better for our issue. LOL to your comment about the porn. I think it’s great that you have found out what works for you guys. He’s a lucky guy, and your baby will be too!
Thank you. I am definitely going to try that. I feel really bad I have put him in a place where this is happening. That was not my intent but clearly my TTC anxiety is spreading!