(Closed) PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hi bees!!

I have such a dillema, and I need your help DESEPRATELY.

Okay, before I type this, I should let you know that my mother is THE MOST immature human being I’ve ever met. You will soon see why, but please keep in mind that I have done nothing but continuosly been there for her, and kept calm when she would go off the handle.

Here’s the situation:

Okay, so we got engaged in December. My mother been controlling the engagement and wedding ever since. She chose the venue, without asking us, chose the centerpeices, without showing me , favors also. Yes, she is paying for a good amount of the wedding, but that doesn’t give her right to do everything the way SHE wants. She disrespected my FI, and called him ABSURD and DISRESPECTFUL names,, told me my MOH won’t be able to come to the Bridal Shower because she doesn’t like her, and texsted her that everyone hates her and she shouldn’t come to the wedding, so she told me she was hurt, and upset. Then just planned everythig her way. I was calm and let it go but I’m fed up and done. She told me I wil lose my brother if I do this, but honestly; it’s the best thing for me.
She chose everything and we had no say, and didn’t include my MIL in anything and made her feel very hurt and upset. I don’t agree with that. Called her names, called me names on a daily basis, it broke me down to a place I couldn’t be.
 
Just messaged me on FB today, telling me that she called the wedding off, and that I’m a little girl who’s many different names that I won’t publicize. I decided with my FMIL and FI that we will have the wedding down where we live, which is NC, and she is in CT, where it was supposed to originally be.
I have tried talking to her, making it work, it’s getting nowhere.
 
Would you just stick it out for a few more months, or get married down here, the way you want things, with the people who won’t make the day hell for you??
Please help!
Thank you.
 

Post # 3
Member
45642 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would bail on any plans she has made, tell her so, and start planning the wedding we could afford on our own.

Post # 4
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

Screw her. If this is what she’ll be like, tell her you don’t need/want her help and have the wedding on your own. How old is your brother that she is threatening to “take him away” from you??

Post # 5
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Personally I would go elope and have a big party later. Who needs that kind of drama for one day?! I am sorry that this happened to you. 

Post # 6
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@mandauhhxo:  Start on your own – mother or not you can’t let people treat you like this. I bet you will feel liberated if you FI and FMIL go it yourselves, even if you need to have a smaller, more practical wedding. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would go ahead with the NC wedding. Your mom can suck a lemon. If you feel bad, shoot her an invite. But, definitely plan and have the wedding down there where (hopefully) she can’t interfere.

 

Post # 8
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would definitely plan it to be how my FI and I wanted it, it’s not her wedding!!! Good luck! 

Post # 9
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mandauhhxo:  This is why I don’t take money from people – it always comes with strings. FI and I are paying for our weddingmoon on our own and doing everything exactly how we want to do it. My parents will give us money as a wedding gift, but that is to be used however we want, not on the weddingmoon itself. Your mom isn’t the one getting married, but maybe she is trying to live through you. I was going to suggest that maybe she means well and wants to take the stress off of you, but calling people you’re close to names? Not cool. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to my FI like that.

I’d either elope, or do a wedding where you actually live (that you pay for and can plan).  

Post # 10
Member
4442 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@mandauhhxo:  Why did you accept money from her?

 

Plan the wedding you want with YOUR MONEY!!  It will at least make the experience more enjoyable!

Post # 11
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like your mom is planning the wedding for her and not for you.  If you wait things out, you’ll be dealing with more of the same behavior.  I think you need to cancel your mom’s plans and plan the wedding you want in NC.  It’s the hard option, but it’s also the option that will make you and your FI the happiest.

Post # 12
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, she sounds like she is going a bit crazy. Is she normally like this or has the wedding cracked her nut? Don’t let her wreck your special day, it’s supposed to be about celebrating your love and committment and you should not have to spend it worrying about her crazy! Just have it how you want it, even if it’s lower budget, and don’t even invite her if she cannot control her behaviour. I would write her a letter explaining exactly why you made this decision so at least she might have some insight into how you feel. In time, maybe she will calm down and see reason. Best of luck! 

Post # 13
Member
2379 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Nothing’s free, especially gifts.  Have the wedding in NC, and don’t include her in the planning, since you already know how that ends.  Personally, I wouldn’t share any of the details with her, since she’s already demonstrated how she’s going to act and what she’ll say.  Enjoy the planning with your fiance and FMIL.  If you really feel the need, then send your mother an invitation when it’s all done.  I would not allow her to bring up the topic, and I would not engage in any discussion with her about it.  She had her chance to act like a normal human being, and she blew it.

Post # 14
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ladies! I never took money, she went and booked the venue, on her own AND THEN told us that it was booked, so we had no choice 🙁 My brother is 12. But he’s controlled just as much as I am

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

@mandauhhxo:  Nobody can control you or run your life unless you let them. You’re a legal adult, living in a different state from your mother, about to be married. Why are you allowing yourself to be controlled, in your own words, as much as your 12 year-old brother– who presumably still depends upon her for food and shelter?

Tell your mother ‘thanks but no thanks’. It was kind of her to offer to help you out with the wedding and venue… but no thanks to controlling it and mistreating your loved ones. For that alone you should say ‘no thank you’ and take back your wedding. Plan one for your and your FI however you like and however you can afford, including the people you want included.

And talk to your little brother. Tell him you love him and that you’ll always be there for him even if he can’t come to your wedding (in case your mother decides to follow through on her threat).

You always have a choice. If someone assumes you want a gift of a white elephant, you do not need to accept it. You do not need to accept bad behaviour to ones you love. Stand up for yourself, your FI, your brother and your friend the MOH. Your mother is an important person in your life, but you can kindly and firmly tell her no. She can accept that or she can not show up to your new wedding in NC and it will be her loss.

Good luck

 

Post # 16
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

To be totally honest, f*ck her and her plans. That drama sounds ridiculous and totally not worth it.  Do the wedding with your FI the way you want, and if she wants to show up then she can, and if not, y’all can enjoy your day with less drama.  I feel really bad for your brother 🙁

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