(Closed) Please help me. He saw his Ex.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 152
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@littlebluebride:  He doesn’t get a pass because of what he “didn’t do.” He DID do plenty. He disrespected his fiancee. He went behind her back to do what he very obviously knew would upset her. He refuses to put her wants and needs ahead of others’. These are hurtful things. These things constitute an intentional, inexcusable disregard for the person he professed to love the most – his future wife. That is absolutely unacceptable.

I do agree that he should have a chance to explain a bit more, but explanations will only do so much at this point. Now there has to be ACTION to back up those words. 

 

Post # 153
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Bram:   I know that if Fiance continues a relationship with her where she is allowed into my space I can not exist in his life.

GOOD GIRL!

Post # 154
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

@sweetcrackers:  ‘He doesn’t get a pass because of what he “didn’t do.”‘ THIS

I don’t think OP should be thanking her lucky stars that they only had dinner and didn’t take it further than that. He did all of this without telling her knowing it would make her uncomfortable, and she had to ask to get it out of him. That’s doing plenty wrong in my opinion.

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@Bram:  “I am top dog so to speak and she is not allowed on my level.” THIS 100%!

You ARE top dog. Your feelings should matter much more than a friendship with her. She doesn’t get any preferential treatment over you. By ignoring your wishes, he’s putting her above you, and that’s the part that’s not ok. 

Post # 155
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Bram:  Good for you!

I still am wondering though, why is this girl and this friendship so important to your Fiance that he’s willing to piss you off to this degree? Have you asked him that? 

 

They say that you have to earn someone’s trust, which I guess is true, but I think that in a relationship–especially with a spouse–trust should be something that’s just fundamentally…there. It doesn’t need to be discussed often or debated over and it doesn’t need to incite drama. You either trust someone or you don’t; it’s not really a big deal unless it’s broken. And Bram, you deserve to have that kind of rock-steady trust in someone else. I am so sorry for what you have been going through. FWIW, all this consternation isn’t worth it. 

Post # 157
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like you’ve come a long way since your first post. I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. I hope that taking a few days to figure out what you’re going to do/say has helped and I wish you the best of luck dealing with all of this drama!

Post # 158
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

@Bram: I hope that you get out of the meeting what you’re looking for. Just remember that you deserve to feel secure in your relationship, and he’s not making you feel that way. Good luck!

Post # 159
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please keep us updated on what happens tonight. In the meantime, prayers and hugs coming your way! Good luck and stay strong and true to yourself!

Post # 160
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Bram:  Just make sure he knows that his best friend will not tolerate the disrespect he has shown to his fiancee, and that his best friend demands that changes be made. :o)

Good luck to you, hon. Stay strong in your Top Dog position and do NOT waver! Do not back down from getting the respect, love and committment you deserve – either from him, or by walking away from him and finding it elsewhere.

Post # 161
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Good luck on your meeting.  Take your notes.  Remember what a PP poster said – you are NOT to fix this for him, he has to do it all by himself.  Frankly, you should just be showing up and he should be doing all the talking so you can determine if it’s worth sticking around.  I understand that you want to go in as ‘best friend’, but ‘fiance’ needs the stage right now.  Don’t allow him to make excuses, put the blame on you, etc.

And stay strong!!  *hug*

Post # 162
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@sweetcrackers:  THIS!!!

“Stay strong in your Top Dog position and do NOT waver! Do not back down from getting the respect, love and committment you deserve – either from him, or by walking away from him and finding it elsewhere.”

Well Said!

Post # 163
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Bram:  You are such a level-headed, caring person.  Your Fiance is LUCKY to have you and better darn well recognize it!  **HUGS**  I hope things work out for you. 

Post # 164
Member
6584 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Nope nope nope.  He went ahead and did something he KNEW would upset you.  That is not love.  And he is chooseing someone over someone else- he chose her over you.

Post # 165
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I hate when people jump right to this, but I feel like with this post I have to: I would be totally done with him.

You have put up with waaaaaay too much from her, and from him in regards to her. In a way, he has chosen her, by not respecting your wishes to back off from her and not allow her to interfere with your relationship as an engaged couple.

There are plenty of men out there that would not do this, I promise you.

Post # 166
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think it would be wise to go back and read some of your previous posts– I realized I posted in one that it sounded like you were making tons of excuses for your Fiance.  

Read your posts and explanations like an outsider, is he fiercely defending your marriage?  If he isn’t, then you might want to re-evaluate.

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