(Closed) Please help me. He saw his Ex.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
2933 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@greenmachine838:  I’m definitely not trying to battle you, I was honestly just asking.  And everyone can handle this is their own way, but I can guar-an-tee that none of us would truly know how we’d react until we’re faced with it.  That’s all. 🙂

Post # 48
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was in a situation where my fiance and I broke up at some point and he started dating this girl that tried to break us up (her plan didnt work, but things kinda fell apart). When my Fiance and I started talking again and were maybe going to give things another shot, I explicitly told him i dont want her in his life. They were friends and dated a few months, but I still blame her for even trying to break us up.

He dropped her without any second thought. BUT you need to be clear about why it bothers you. Make it seriously clear to your guy why she bothers you, why you dont want him hanging out or even talking with her. He needs to understand how you feel. If he cannot get it down, then maybe you are doing the correct thing. Relationships need work and you have to be able to understand each other.

Post # 49
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It would be one thing if this woman was really trying to be “just friends” but if she’s texting him that’s he cute and good looking, that’s completely unacceptable and wrong for him to be seeing her. She is clearly up to something, and wants more than just a friendship. If she was a true friend to him she’d respect his engagement and not be inappropriate. 

Post # 50
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Do not put yourself in trouble’s way.

Leave your ex-boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t ass around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.

 

Good article.

 

I get so irritated with the majority of people out there. Do people not realize WHY there is such a high divorce rate? Why people end up cheating so much?

Do what you can to NOT put yourself in a position where it could happen. All this “he can do what he wants, i trust him..” talk is just fine, but do you ever think of the choices he is making.. and WHY? Why would a guy have to go out with an ex? Why does someone HAVE to go to places that create temptation? WHY? If the person is trustworthy, wouldn’t they NOT do those things? Just my two cents.. I just find this to be common sense and I get so frustrated with the majority of the population who just don’t GRASP IT!

BE WISE. BE OBSERVANT. NOTE WHAT GOES WRONG IN OTHER PEOPLES RELATIONSHIPS. DON’T DO THEM YOURSELVES.

People really have lost sight on what real commitment is througout the years.

Post # 53
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@greenmachine838:  I agree with this that one shouldn’t place demands/restrictions on who the signifcant other should see. The problem in this case is that he a.) wasn’t honest about it b.) the woman is actively calling him cute and such, completely disrespecting the relationship c.) paid for her as if it was a date 

I would be less worried about the girl, and try to get the bottom of why the fiance can’t get over her and put it in the past. It seems like he’s slightly flattered by the attention this woman is giving him. 

Post # 54
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@greenmachine838:  What positive is going to come from telling a girl who is already really hurting she’s overreacting?

 

View original reply
@MIBEETOWED:  AGREED.  Someone who is trustworthy wouldn’t walk that fine line.

Post # 55
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@soonergirl518:  Then a few years later, these people find out about an affair. When I hear this from people I know.. all I think is.. “Well, no shit. I could have told you this”.

Post # 56
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Bram:  i am so sorry you are going through this.  men are idiots sometimes. 

He said he knew I’d be upset that he saw her and so he didn’t want to ruin my vacation by telling me over phone.  

if he knew that this would upset you, why would he do it?  why disregard your feelings to spend some time with an ex?  it’s good that he told you but the trust is broken.  that’s a big thing to loose in a relationship and a hard thing to ever get back. 

you may need to take some time to think about this.  you need to digest everything and accept the fact that this happened.  i didn’t say forgive right now, i mean, come to terms that this happened.  it’s a grieving process.

only you can decide whether or not you wish to stay with him but i will tell you that it won’t be easy.  it will take some time to forgive but women don’t forget.  are you prepared to live with that?

Post # 57
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Here’s the thing. There are plenty of guys out there that would never do this, like EVER. If it was natural for every single man to act the way your Fiance did, that would be different. But not all guys act this way, so why should you accept it?

My Fiance has 1 girl from his past – she wants to be closer to him again (if anything she misses his friendship quite a bit), something I am NOT comfortable with. She doesn’t explicitly hit on him but due to past history/her possessive nature, she just makes me uncomfortable. My Fiance is also a people pleaser and likes to stay on good terms with all.  However, whenever she is in town and wants to grab dinner/drinks, he always lets me know and asks if I am okay with it. He also refuses to go unless it is a group setting. Sometimes she will randomly text him. He always makes a point to show me. There are times I truly don’t even care, but if it’s anything that could remotely make me feel uncomfortable, he shows me anyway.

He has so much respect and care for my feelings, he goes through extra effort to make me feel comfortable with him staying minimally in touch her. He wouldn’t normally stay in touch with her if she wasn’t friends will all of his current friends.

Your Fiance emotionally cheated on you – he should’ve made sure it was okay with you before hanging out with his ex on multiple occassions. He clearly seems to not be over her, and at the very least, was curious to see how things would be with her in those settings. If he wasn’t curious, he would never hang out alone with an ex after clearly being hit on by her. He could’ve easily waited til you were back in town to hang out with her.

Last, you need to completely stop the focus on her. She’s a free agent, she could even call your Fiance up and say she wants to have sex with him. It is solely, 100% your FI’s responsibility to block her every move.

My advice would be to break up. If you don’t feel strong enough to do so, counseling is a must. Good luck.

Post # 58
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had something similar happen with one of my exes when we were together. Let me just say that I am a pretty easygoing girl and he made me feel like I was paranoid and crazy. He pulled the whole, “Look, it’s innocent and if you trusted me” blah blah blah. 

He ended up cheating–not with the girl we argued over, but with some OTHER girl. 

My first point is that it may or may not be a cheating issue with this particular girl; it most definitely is an intimacy issue between the two of you and he’s using this friendship with his ex as a means of creating emotional distance from you. He KNOWS you don’t like her, and he KNOWS that it hurts you for the two of them to hang out, so at the very least, he’s doing something to cause some kind of friction between the two of you. And for what? Why don’t you ask him: why the hell is this particular friendship with this particular girl so damn important? What does he get out of it that he’s not getting wtih any of his other friends (or you)?? This isn’t about philosophical differences regarding you being controlling or him needing freedom or trust or whatever; this is about basic relationship respect. 

 

Post # 59
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am always the one on boards telling girls to chill out and let their SOs have opposite-sex friends. 

However, it doesn’t sound like your Fiance has appropriate boundaries?  There is a difference between respectful and platonic friendships and encouraging flirting and inappropriate behavior.  If one of my guy friends crossed the line, I’d cut things off.  It sounds like you’re chill and he has tons of female friends– ones who he could take to your restaurant and pay and you’d be just fine with it!  But this girl isn’t trying to just be a platonic friend, she’s being inappropriate. 

If he really wants her as a friend, for genuine reasons and not just loving flirtacious attention,  maybe you could hang out all together for a while– he’d get to be her friend but you could keep an eye on her?  Then she’d know you were in the picture.  (I know, all you want to do is kick her to the curb, but if he’s determined to keep her in his life, this could be a compromise.) 

Or also, you could decide he’s immature and doesn’t know how to limit his friendships to just platonic ones and then kick him to the curb!

Post # 61
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

This doesn’t sound good at all. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Give him a chance to explain after you cool off…but…this sounds fishy to me. I wouldn’t want to marry someone I couldn’t trust 150%, just my honest opinion. I think you may need to reevaluate. 

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