(Closed) Please help me, I am terrified

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

At least postpone the wedding and get counseling ASAP. A divorce will cause you much more agony. Realistically, I’d say to end the relationship and be single for awhile so you can get the self therapy you so badly need. I would not breakup and immediately start dating the other guy. But yes either get counseling or cancel the wedding. You have a very toxic relationship with yourself and BOTH men. Hugs and good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@terrified:  This is a very unhealthy relationship on all fronts.  Please cancel the wedding and get some help (professional counseling) for yourself. 

You’ve both cheated on each other, he treats you horribly, you fight all the time, and now you have an eating disorder from his tearing down your self-esteem.

You deserve so much better.

Post # 5
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@terrified:  I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Your post is very…human, and honest. I think you have your answer, as others will probably tell you, especially when you wrote:

“I know he loves me, just not in the way I want to be loved.”

Do you really want to marry that?

It is scary to face the feelings and reality you would have of postponing or possibly canceling the wedding, but certainly better than years of resentment, guilt and anguish of a somewhat fulfilling marriage that ends in divorce.

It isn’t so much about the porn as it is about him lying to you that he hadn’t been watching it and breaking your trust. It isn’t so much about him watching other girls on the street as it is about him disrespecting you to your face. It isn’t so much about you transforming your appearance to the extent of laxatives and surgery as it is about you not loving yourself first as you are and feeling confident (above and beyond what he thinks of you.) And it isn’t even about the other guy you kissed…but about the fact that someone can and will love you for who you are.

Get couples counseling, postpone the wedding and see what develops. Best wishes and be strong.

Post # 6
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You have spent so much time changing to try to be someone else for your FI. That is so unhealthy. You definately should cancel the wedding. It shouldn’t be something embarassing, it should be empowering. You stood up and realized that your relationship is unhealthy and stopped it before it got out of hand.

 

Do it sooner than later, so guests will have an opportunity to change travel plans, save money on gifts etc…

 

I agree with PP that you should not jump into the arms of this other man, no matter how much you ‘think’ you love him. Make sure you are happy with yourself before committing to someone else. You clearly have self esteem issues and can’t expect someone to truly love you until you can be yourself and love yourself.

Post # 7
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry, but your Fi sounds awful. The way you described him and how he treats you, it’s not healthy. You had a boob job for him?!? He knows you make yourself sick and all he can say is “feel better now?”. I’m really sorry, but if he loved you he’s want you to get help. I only know what you’ve told me, but this isn’t a healthy relationship and you deserve to be treated better, the way you deserve to be treated.I think you know this already.

Cancell the wedding, or at least postpone it. Yes, you’ll lose money. Yes, it will be embarrasing and akward, but you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you go through with this and end up getting a divorce.

Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@terrified:  I have to agree with the other posters, you need to work on yourself before you can even think about being in a HEALTHY relationship, let alone a marriage.  You owed to yourself to at least postpone the wedding.  As Cornflakegirl said, “Do you really want to marry that?”  If I was in your position, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago,  If he can’t even respect your wishes about not watching porn in the flat, do you think he really respects and loves you at all.  You need take a time out (from both men) and reflect.  You deserve better in your life.

Post # 9
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Run, far far away. You deserve someone who appreciates you! I was in the same situation, except I never cheated. I am still struggling every single day with the eating disorder, even though I have someone who loves me more than anything in the world.

Post # 10
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

You already know the answer to this- you love this other guy, and you don’t think your fiance is right for you. You need to get yourself to counseling ASAP and break off this relationship- a divorce will cause even more embarassment and heartbreak. Don’t even get into a relationship with this new guy. If you feel like you have changed yourself for your fiance in ways that you don’t want, you need to fix those issues first.

Post # 11
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sounds like you have many more problems, personal ones, than your FI. I would recommend calling it off, and going to take care of yourself. There’s no reason someone should go get implants and dye their hair just to attempt to please someone. 

Post # 12
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@terrified:  why are you seriously considering getting married?  why are you still in this relationship?  do you really want to fight/argue like this for the rest of your life?  you obviously don’t respect each other enough if you have this kind of volatile relationship.  you both deserve so much more.  get out now and stop wasting your time.  sorry if this sounds harsh but i think you need some reality.

Post # 13
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

Don’t get married just so you don’t look bad. It’ll be embarrasing to have to cancel, but feeling bad about yourself is not love.

Post # 14
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. 

You need to leave. You’vechanged everything about yourself, have what could be an eatting disorder, no self esteem and now he is violently yelling at you over PORN?

Frankly,it sounds like this could get physically violent if he finds out what you have been doing with another man. 

You absolutely need to leave.

Post # 15
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you probably know your answer already.  It is time for you to end things with your FI, HOWEVER, before you jump into something with the guy you are now in love with…PLEASE, find a way to love yourself first.  My fear, in reading your post, is that you do not have any confidence.  You completely transformed yourself, and practice dangerous things, for fear that the man you were with would walk away.  Did he do all he could to reassure you otherwise?!  No, probably not, but that insecurity may not not disappear in a new relationship either.

I know that is not the point of your post, per se, but for the sake of it all…walk away from your FI, heal your wounds, and then find your happiness.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

this doesn’t sound like cold feet it sounds like a case of a bad match. He masturbates and enjoys to do so to porn, regardless of if you’re home or not and willing, it’s a guy thing they can be 100% satisfied, just had sex and will still go masturbate. Sometimes you just need the self-release, it’s perfectly normal and healthy. It sounds like you have confidence issues about yourself, men are visual creatures, if they had the chance to see rosie O’Donnell nude, they would, whether they find her attractive of not. It’s just how it is. 

You are clearly not ok with this and need to be with someone who constantly reassures you and won’t watch porn.

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