- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
Hi everyone, Sorry in advance for the long post but I’m desperate.
I am turning to you in desperation. I am supposed to be getting married in 7 weeks time and I am in a blind panic. Every time I think about it I feel sick and come out in a cold sweat, I feel breathless and…just a sense of doom, being trapped and wanting to run away.
I have been with my fiance for 6 years, we have great fun, make each other laugh and are good friends and completely comfortable around each other. But there are some MAJOR problems with us. We argue all the time, and I mean all the time, and at least twice a month these will be screaming arguments – it is always over the same thing.
When we he moved in with me I said to him “porn, I don’t care if you watch it, I know guys do, just don’t do it while I’m in the flat, if you want it, I’d prefer it if you had it with me” and I was true to my word and gave him anything he wanted.
You guessed it, he watched it, I caught him, twice in a year and then, a month before we got engaged he did it again, he said he was hungover one morning and said he was going into the spare room to sleep better. I walked in about an hour later to see if he wanted a cup of tea and he was…you guessed it… I told him to pack his bags as that was the last straw. i was physically sick and felt utterly betrayed. He persuaded me back down and promised never to do it again but the damage was done.
I am a good looking girl, and he knows I will do *anything* for him to make sure he is satisfied. If I didn’t look after myself or wouldn’t do what he wated in bed then I might be able to understand it better.
He also messaged girls asking to meet up for a drink when he was away travelling at the very very start of our relationship (he admitted he didn’t know if it would work out with he and I (even though he had already said he loved me!) and he was “keeping his options open”) he also checked out girls repeatedly right in front of me for about the first year we were together. Eventually he stopped as I was desperate for him to and got really depressed.
Basically, he has, over 6 years, slowly but surely eroded all my self confidence. I dyed my hair really blonde, grew it to waist length, had a boob job and was/am constantly on a diet in order to try and stop him from doing things to hurt me I have a great and very well paid job, I have a degree and a masters and love having a good time, I never stop him seeing his friends or watching sport (I even bought him sky and a giant TV!) – I wanted to be the one he looked at in the street and gets off to. I transformed myself into a walking barbie because all he can tell me about why he did all those things is just “every bloke does it” and “I didn’t think it was a big deal” so I just assumed it was because he didn’t fancy me enough and that I wasn’t enough for him. I was underweight for a long time in the middle of our relationship and abused laxitives. I still make myself sick when I eat too much as I am terrified of getting fat and causing something like that to happen again. He knows I do it and just rolls his eyes indelgently and says “you know you shouldn’t”. Afterwards he says “Feel better now babe?”
He proposed after 5 years (I was desperate for it 2 years ago as I thought that would be a way for him to show me he was committed to me, but he waited another year).
However last Christmas, after he and I had been engaged for 6 months, I went out and got outrageously drunk. I ended up kissing a friend of the friend I was out with. I thought nothing of it and tried to forget it had happened but he called me and we clicked, we clicked more than I have clicked with anyone before in my life. We talked for hours on the phone that night then met up as friends (I was emphatic) and I ended up telling him everything about my relationship, my past, everything. I have never ever in my life told someone everything about myself or issues, problems etc. As I say we just clicked.
It kind of snowballed from there. I tried to stop seeing him when I knew I was starting a very very close friendship with a man but I just kept going back. He ended our friendship as he said he was starting to fall for me and he couldn’t stand to see me in a relationship that I clearly didn’t want to be in. I was still in denial about the state of things as I love my fiance and can’t contemplate breaking his heart.
We didn’t stop though, he tried to get away but I pursued him and we fell in love. (I didn’t realise why he was trying to get away from me so badly until I fell in love too and then I regretted it bitterly). I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I missed him all the time and he made me feel so, so loved, so secure and he treated me like an absolutel goddess. Nothing I had ever experienced before. I thought all men were like my fiance and that men like the other guy were only in rom coms.
I am still in love with the other guy. I haven’t seen him for 3 months but I know he is still in love with me. I don’t want to cancel my wedding and face the fall out, misery, heart break and embarrassment of it. I am still having fun with, love but argue constantly with my fiance. I know he loves me, just not in the way I want to be loved.
Please help me – what the HELL am I going to do?