(Closed) Please help me, I dont know what to do , FMIL interfering

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8146 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s seems as though she really wants to be involved! I would try to humor her, and let her particpate in conversations if you can, BUT at the end of this it’s your wedding with your fiance, not hers!  I really hope that you get the wedding that YOU want. My mother tried pushing herself in my plans, but I eventually got her to back off. Can your Fiance talk to her? It’s his mother after all, he should know how to talk to her. If he’s a momma’s boy, then it might be harder!

Post # 4
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am sorry your FH’s mother is such a controlling witch. She doesn’t like you at all. When she forced your Fiance to go cold and abandon you, she probably thought she had won. However, your Fiance stood up to her and decided to persue and marry the woman he loves (that’s you!). Can you imagine anything that would make a controlling witch angrier? As time goes on, your connection with your FH is going to grow (as you are married and build a life/family together) and I bet she is angry and terrified that someone she doesn’t like is going to be at the center of her son’s heart.

You have three choicess:

1. Grin and bear it as graciously as possible and establish clear boundaries once you are married.

2. Call it off and elope.

3. Call it off and run away because you hate his family and don’t want to spend your life around them.

If it were me and I was in love, I’d pick 1 or 2.


Post # 5
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Honestly, regardless of culture, the only power anyone holds over any of us is the power we give them.  

If this were me, I’d elope and limit my contact with them.  It sounds like they don’t live in the same country, so it’s not like she lives next door and is always going to be around.  

Post # 6
67 posts
Worker bee

Wow what a headache, I think you should really sit down and figure out if you could really put up with his mother for the rest of your life. She seems like the ultimate monster-in-law. I think you and FH waited way to long to try to get the reins back on your wedding and life. You should really sit down with your FH and tell him how you feel, going on the way you have is unhealthy and you have to be physically, mentally and emotionally drained. You have all these problems before the marriage, you will most likely have them after the marriage. Hope I could shed some light.

Post # 8
47448 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@HJbadoom1:  It might be time for your Fiance to grow a set. No one can talk to you for hours on the phone unless you also stay on the phone and talk for hours. She is not sitting next to him on the sofa. She is on the phone from another country “Sorry, mom,I have to go now,” and hang up.

It’s a bit late now to be making changes to the wedding. If you cancel now and elope, I am sure she would be furious and potentially embarssed in her culture.

You can make a conscious choice from now on, to not let her push your buttons or make decisions for you. You will be a couple, a new family, and need to start establishing some boundaries.

Post # 9
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@julies1949:  +1000


I do not understand why, culture or not ,WHY you are allowing this woman to rule your life. I especially do not understand how your FH can allow his Mother to treat his future wife this way. I would be issuing an ultimatum BEFORE the ceremony takes place – either her or you. He should specify a day when he has time to talk to her – otherwise, he will be unavailable for conversations. I agree with PPs that boundaries MUST be set – or be prepared for this woman to make your life miserable for many years to come.

Post # 11
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

View original reply
@HJbadoom1:  If your fiance didn’t like it, he woudln’t pick up the phone when she calls.  He needs to establish boundaries with his family.  Just because she calls doesn’t mean he’s obligated to talk to her.  He can tell her he’s busy or that he will call her at a more convenient time.  He can tell her “Mom, I will not talk to you if you’re going to talk poorly about HJ” or “That kind of attitude toward my fiance won’t be tolerated”.  

He can nip a lot of this in the bud by getting on the same page with you.  I know some will claim that it’s “cultural” to respect your elders.  Well, it’s that way everywhere.  You should respect your parents (in most cases) and he definitely should, but relationships are two way streets and while he should respect them, they should respect his lifestyle choices.  But he needs to also teach them that there are new “rules” in their relationship as he’s startng a family of his own.

She may not ever be completely out of your life, but how your fiance handles this will directly impact you and can make your life tremendously easier.  I don’t get along with my Mother-In-Law, but my husband always takes my side, so it doesn’t really matter if we get along or not.  We’re cordial to each other and if she steps over a line (she’s not evil, she’s just very nosey and I’m very private) my husband will gently remind her that shes’ being inappropriate.  No one gets upset or angry.  We just move on.

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