(Closed) Please help me! No pleasure from sex.

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
5 posts
  • Wedding: February 2013

Your mindset is 99% of the experience, and the rest is physical. 

Do you feel comfortable in a sexual context or do you feel exposed or dirty? If the latter, you need to feel comfortable with yourself having sex before sex can be enjoyable. Either my looking at youself naked in the mirror (ALL of you, even your clitoris and labia area), masterbation, or non sexual naked time with DH (understood by both there is to be no pressure to have sex). 


Do you feel pressured by your spouse to perform, unintentionally or otherwise? Pressure to be on and ready by a spouse can be a problem, especially if you are slow to warm up. It will get you frustrated and upset, which will stop you cold from enjoying sex. I know that I can’t set out with the intention of having sex with my Fiance, because I’m sensitive to the pressure to perform. My enjoyable sexual experiences have been on the fly, because we were enjoying the company of each other. It’s normal to feel that way. 

Is your DH tending to your needs or is he the type to just get down to it? Sex is about both of you. Your needs are as important as his. 


Open communication with your husband and don’t be afraid to ask for something like more foreplay or some cuddling/naked time without sex. It’s all a process and as you get more comfortable with everything you will have an easier and more enjoyable time. 

You are not a freak! If you wanted nothing to do with sex ever, you would noy be a freak and if you never had sex you can still have a fufulling life. 

Post # 33
1030 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know about anyone else – but (sorry if TMI) I find that I can orgasm better if I’m lying face down and my body weight is used as pressure.

Any kind of instruction to masturbate is around the phrases now lie on your back and relax… no way. It just doesn’t work that way for me. And if there is too much lubricant I feel that the friction is lost and so I don’t get anything from that, either.

So believe me, experimenting is the key.

Sometimes my guy can do one thing and it blows my mind, but the next time he does it and I’m not in that particular mood it does nothing for me. So it’s definitely about mind-set more than anything.

Unless sex is physically painful then it’s all emotional.

For me when I’m on my own, I enjoy reading. I find that it lets my imagination loose and I enjoy that much more than just thinking about things myself. Try finding erotic literature online. the site Literotica is pretty decent if you can find a writer that writes in a style you enjoy (and there are a lot of different styles, so just flick through until you find something you like).

The only times I don’t orgasm through sex are when my mind just isn’t feeling up to it. And I also find that the more we do it, the better it gets.

Post # 34
38 posts
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know that I had a problem like this during the first year me and my Fiance were intimate. And I still can’t climax with sex alone. I need my clitoris to be stimulated for me to climax. And I generally can’t even do this on my own if I’m masturbating. I need to have a vibrator to help me. (Weird but true) And once we figured out how and why that was working, my Fiance figured out how to replicate the feeling, and now he can get me to climax in like 2 minutes. It’s amazing. 

Don’t give up! It’s all trial and error! And believe me you would know if you climaxed. It’s too good to question. 

Post # 35
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

this might sound strange but do you get turned on in the presence of your partner? Like when you’re kissing him do you get all warm and fuzzy and want to do the deed? Because if not that might be a problem.

Post # 36
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I really don’t know what to tell you because masterbating is the best place to start. You say you have no desire to do that, but the first thing you have to do before doing it is to clear your mind of any thoughts but pleasure. Be alone in the house, at a time when you won’t feel embarrassed, meditate to clear your mind and try using different pressure to touch yourself to figure out what turns you on. 

If you can handle it, I suggest going on the net, finding some free porn and watch it without touching yourself at all. See what gets you completely wet. That’s also a good place to start. 

But I guess above all the best place to start is in your brain, letting yourself know that nothing is wrong with pleasuring yourself, nothing is wrong with your husband pleasuring you. Nothing is wrong or bad about your vagina. Breathe and let go of the negatives that surround sex. 

Have no expectations from sex or masterbating, but the experience of pleasure. Let any thoughts go and only allow yourself to focus on what pleasures your senses. Stroke your mind and do it only to find out how pleased you become by stroking him. 

Besides if your pills have something to do with it, I believe you have yourself in mental bondage about it. Try these things and find yourself a good book Amazon to read about freeing yourself to enjoy sex.

I used to think masterbating was silly and I felt conspicious. Then, I realized that if I wouldn’t please myself, there was no way I could expect a clueless man to. So just have a glass of wine, relax and figure out how to love yourself, so you can show your husband.

Post # 37
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016


I have this same exact issue. I did not wait until I was married but I did wait until I was 25. Before that time I never masterbated and still don’t. I have abesolutely no sex drive at all. I feel so bad bc my SO asks me if I am attracted to him and I really, really am. I love touching him, holding hands, cuddling, and being under him but I just have no interest in sex whats so ever. I went to see my gyno because I just didn’t know what to do. I feel nothing from sex, just like you said it feels like going in and out…no pleasure. My SO and I do a lot of foreplay and I get wet from it but still no spectacular feelings. He tries everything he can to make the experience pleasurable. My doctor reccommended i force myself to have sex twice a week. She said the more I do it the better it will be, especially because I was experiencing so much pain at first. Now there is still pain when he first starts but after about 5 minutes I’m good being no pain but i don’t feel anything else expect like I have to pee. We started having sex once a month, then once every two weeks, and now once a week. I’m still working to twice a week but I can see his frustration. I feel terrible and I’m really concerned sex will never be good. If I do feel anything, it just feels like I have to pee and thats it. Did waiting 25 years set my expectations to high? Am I screwed because I didn’t start having sex in my teenage years like most people? I love him and want to be his wife oneday but my issue with sex is drowning our relationship. Any updates??? Help? Suggestions? Oh, and when I watch porn by myself I do get really turned on but watching it with him is weird. Whats wrong with me? 

Post # 38
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
@beautyofdreams:  Talking to a psychiatrist would be a start. Also, thinking “something is wrong with you” is a HORRIBLE way to go about it. Do not blame yourself for this. You are fairly new to sex and it really does take a while to become truly COMFORTABLE. I never had an orgasm via just intercourse until I was with my fiance. So basically, we are talking 10 years of sex before I could orgasm without touching my clitoris. I’m not sure why this is, honestly. It could be a number of things such as his penis size/shape, my level of comfort and trust with him, my level of comfort/trust with myself… so many weird mental things go into sex and especially when you are a female. But talking to someone who knows what probing questions to ask could really help you realize something you are keeping deep within that you might not even realize you are feeling/thinking. I hope you can work it out!


Post # 39
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need Viagra.

No, I’m not being a smartass.  It’s for women now as well.

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