Post # 1
Hello, I need some positivity and advise from you ladies, I am currently at my work desk writing this because I cannot concentrate, I had ran into bathroom few times this morning to just cry silently. Last night, my boyfriend (dating 3 years) have told me that he does not feel attracted to me as he used to because I have gained weight. I did gain exactly 10 lbs since we first met. I felt so ashamed, shocked, mad, and sad. So much mixed emotions inside me. My boyfriend said he truly feels bad for saying this, but he said he had to say this before we get engaged (we have been talking about getting married next year). He said he is afraid that I will gain more and more in the future after having baby etc. Looking myself, I am oversized, obesed and large. Everything he said was true. But the truth really hurts. I felt like I have to ?earn? to get engaged with him because he knows how much I want this engagement. I completely lost my confidence, and self esteem. I feel so ugly now and embarrassed. Now I see myself constantly worrying what he thinks about me. I love him so much, and I am not asking weather I should break up or not. I want to know if anyone here have gone through this and how you handled it. He felt really terriable and told me that he feels like [moderated for offensive language] telling me this. He told me that he thinks I am still beautiful and pretty. Just wanted me to go to gym and lose some weight. It really sucked because we had this conversation over the phone last night (we live together but I am on business trip). He didn’t expect to bring this up lasst night, but we happen to have a deep conversation about our future last night.I have never been skinny my entire life. I would go gym and try to lose weight to be more attracted to him because I know that?s important to him. But now I just feel I will constantly be worried about what he thinks of me. What if he will never be attracted to me? What if I will never be skinny? Everyone turns old andn ugly as we get old. I should be able to wake up every morning witha man that loves all of me. Can I live forever wondering if im meeting my bf’s physical standard?? I cant live a life thinking that way with him. How can I get over this? I am so devastaed. Please help.
Post # 2
Woah, I’m sorry… he feels like a WHAT telling you that?
You are already saying that you don’t want advice to leave him. So do you want us to tell you that it’s ok that he doesn’t want to marry you because he’s afraid you will put on more weight? Are we supposed to tell you that you need to just manage your weight for the rest of your life to stay attractive to him?
I would understand him being turned off by some weight gain and being concerned. But to say he doesn’t want to marry you for fear that you gain more when bearing his children?
You are in for a lifetime of self loathing and scale watching for someone who obviously doesn’t respect you.
Post # 4
The only weight you need to lose is him.
Post # 5
chobi06 : No he’s rude as shit. I had a boyfriend like that, and he became an ex because he was that same way. A real love goes through weight gain/loss, and ups and downs. You can find someone who isn’t like this and loves you for you regardless of you gaining weight or not. 10 lbs is nothing!
Post # 6
I know you said you’re not asking whether you should leave him or not…but you should. Why stay in a relationship where the person makes you feel like crap about yourself?
Also, why use a slur? You should edit that out.
Post # 7
chobi06 : I know I will be very much in minority here is weight is a taboo topic in the American culture (despite the horrifying obesity rates), but in Europe we are a bit more open towards a conversation about weight. I mean I think it’s OK to bring up that the partner gained weight and concerns that it could increase over time, but do you honestly want to be with someone for whom weight it what makes you attractive/unattractive? You see if he approached it purely from observational and health perspective that would totally be ok. But that he doesn’t feel attracted to you is a whole other story. My verdict: reconsider this relationship.
Post # 8
I lost all benefit of the doubt for him when I read that, I’m so disgusted by it.
But if that’s truly what he said, maybe it’s good that we see g is true colors.
Post # 9
10 lbs is not a lot to gain so I’m pretty confused about this whole situation. Did he actually say he felt like a — I can’t even type it — “f” word for telling you? (Maybe this was an autocorrect.) “Honey, I feel terrible for saying this to you…” Um, maybe that should have been a clue that he SHOULDN’T say it to you. If his ability to find you attractive is limited to you being a very specific weight, then I don’t think you should get engaged. You will almost certainly gain weight over your lifetime, whether because you are pregnant, because of hormones, illness, injury, etc, and it is NOT fair to you to set yourself up for a lifetime of struggling with what might be as little as 10 lbs if this is how he deals with an issue that is HIS. This is HIS problem. Don’t let him make it yours.
Post # 10
chobi06 : ugh.. he’s an ass.
With that said, yes. I know what you’re going through on some level. My dad died 3 months ago, so 2 months before my wedding for those two months I ate and drank my feelings..a lot
When we came back from our honeymoon, DH told me he was worried about me and noticed I gained some weight over the past few months. He said he still loves me, but doesn’t want me to spiral out of control. It was tough to hear, but I needed him to say something. I wasn’t dealing with the reasons why I was eating. Now that I am, it sucks. Like unbelieveably sucks. I feel like I’m going through the grieving process all over again. Only this time I’m trying to use physical activity to work through it instead of food.
But what your bf said wasn’t out of concern for your health. It was about his level of attractiveness for you. Which is really low and selfish of him.
Post # 11
chobi06 : OMG I feel so bad for you. I am sure you are beautiful. Do not listen to him. If you want to lose a bit for yourself then do it but DO NOT do it for him. Everyone does gain weight as they get older. It is basically a fact. You get older and most people gain a little weight. 10 pounds is not really that much. I feel like him saying he is not as attracted to you is really evil and rude. I would be like I am NOT as attracted to YOU now because of what you said. I think you should probably leave him and find someone who respects you. I think being concerned about someone’s health is one thing but vanity only is complete BS. If you have always been thick or a little heavy like that is how you are and he should accept that. Some of my friends are heavy with skinny husbands and the husbands think they are beautiful. I am sure you are an awesome person and you do not deserve this. Most girls would be devastated if they heard this from anyone. I am not really large but I am about a size 8 maybe 10 sometimes when I first met my fiance I was a 6/8 I have gone up like 1 size maybe 5- 10 pounds in the last 5 years.( on an allergy medication that made me gain weight ) My fiance has never said anything negative about it. I think most people can go up or down 10- 15 pounds and it should not effect anything. I think I would be worried about having a family and baby with someone who is so image obsessed and frankly a jerk. I would be scared to get prego thinking he would tell me not to eat. I think you should either have a long talk and see if he’ll accept you the way you are or move on if he is going to try to dictate how you are. He should not hold an engagement over your head as a prize. I just want to say also that nobody is going to be as small or skinny as they once were as a teenager or like early twenties and to put pressure on someone to be that small is BS.
Post # 12
Sansa85 : right?! I got whiplash reading what he called himself. And I’m pretty sure that tells us all we need to know about this loser.
OP, no. Just no. There is no one for whom you need to audition and perform and troll yourself. The right partner will make you feel gorgeous and lift you up, even when worried about your health.
Trust me, you are worth more than this.
Post # 13
pinkcorsage : Yup, me too. I nearly married that guy. I was young and stupid. Dodged a bullet!
chobi06 : I know exactly how you feel, and it’s horrible. You’ll never get over it. You are absolutely right, you’ll worry about what he thinks for the rest of your life. You need to start making a plan for going out on your own and ditching this guy for good. Have you got a friend/family member you can confide in? And maybe stay with for a week or so until you gather yourself together and decide what you want to do?
Post # 14
I don’t get it. You say you have always been overweight. So when you met and he fell for you you were, but 3 years in it’s suddenly an issue bc of 10 pounds?
You can stay…but you’re signing up for a lifetime of not feeling good enough.
Post # 15
Time to find a new boyfriend. You two aren’t compatable.