Post # 1
My fiancé and I have been together for eight years now and have three children together. We have been in love since we first met. We grew up side by side at our cottages and didn’t even notice each other until that day. Now his mother has never really liked me, I’m sure this is because we got together on “bad” terms. He had a girlfriend at the time. He broke up with her the day after we met. I became pregnant three months into our relationship. Not planned, but we do think it was the best thing to ever happen to us. We were “partyers”, so when we found out I was pregnant we changed our lives and lifestyles immediately and have been great ever since. He is a master electrician and I get to stay home and take care of our beautiful children and house. Now I do pride myself on being an excellent homemaker and mother. The house is always spotless, dishes done, laundry done, kids are clean, and dinner is always on time. I try really hard. Now for his mother. She loves our kids but….she never takes the time to come see them saying we live too far away. It’s half and hour!! The only way we see her is when we go to her apartment. I can’t tell you all the times she was expecting us and we got there and she wasn’t home. She can’t see it but every time my fiancé talks to her he lights up, then every time she breaks him. It’s awful to watch. I would never let him know how I felt about her. I couldn’t do that to him. He has an older brother who has a really good job and makes a lot of money. He lives about 20 minutes away from his mother. She visits him a minimum of three times a week. He has no children and while she is there she cleans. He has a girlfriend who lives with him who She brags about all the time. A few things she has done to make me crazy. My aunt died and I was going to her wake. It was minutes before I left when his mother called toget him to pick up his grandmother. He explained he couldnt do it then because I had to go out. I sat and listened to her give him greif about how rediculous it is that I have to go to this. I was PISSED!!!! On another occasion, he told me he would not be home the next day for dinner as he was working late so he would just pick something up. That night for dinner I made my children and myself a vegetable lasagna (which he does not like) And that was that. He got home about nine, asked if there was any leftovers, I said yes but you don’t like it. He never ended up Picking anything up for himself. I was folding laundry so he made himself something. No big deal right?!? He called his mother, she asked what he was doing he said. “I had a late day at work, just making a bite to eat, having a bath and going to bed. She started to bitch about why I was not making him food. He explained it and she still kept going. I finally lost my minD loud enough for her to hEar? Now as you can imagine, I have nOt since then talked to her,gone and visited with her, nothing. WHAT DO I DO??? She is not effecting our relationship at all, but I feel like something should be said.if not for me then at least for my fiancé. Did I mention she Refused to come to his and our children’s baptism because his father was there?!?! This above all, things makes me angry. He was devastated that his mother would miss such an important moment.
Post # 3
@weddingstress:This is so sad to read but there is nothing you can do but support your Fiance. He has to be the one to make the decision and talk to her…just be there for him when he does. It might help to encourage him to not enable the negative conversations with his mom. In other words have a pleasant conversation but the instant it changes to a topic that doesn’t concern her or to an attack on anyone then exit the conversation. It’s taken me years to learn to do this with my mom and sometimes when I’m tired I still get sucked back in but our conversations have improved exponentially. She now knows that I will not listen to her negativity when it comes to me, my FH, my kids or our lives.
Post # 4
@weddingstress: I feel so sorry for you, and I hope you realize this is not your fault. It sounds like the mother may have some attachment issues, and had a hard time letting go of her son under certain circumstances (way back when) and has never gotten over it despite where you, he and your children are today. Maybe she is also resentful of you that you two have worked your way to such a great situations. (For example, I’ll admit, Fiance and I both work, are 27 & 28, both graduated from a University, started our careers but there’s no way I could stay at home with one kid, much less 3, if we were to have them right now.)
I think you’ve done all you can do to gain her support, and have to realize it will probably never be there. It is important to your Fiance, but you can’t let it ruin you. There’s no need to be outwardly mean to her, but I wouldn’t make an extra effort to do anything special to be a part of her life. 🙁
Post # 5
Thank you for your comments, it really helps getting others options on the situation. I don’t like to talk to him about it because I don’t want to upset him. I do “play nice” when she isaround, I’m not good with confrontation :). I guess I just wish there was some way for her to see how happy we are together and just back off. She wasn’t there for most of his life, neither was his father, they kinda ditched him at his grandparents and that’s we’re he lived till university. That’s when he was one. They had better things to do. It’s sad, and yet he has zero resentment towards them. Maybe that’s another reason I’m not very fond of her. I just hope that this all works out. Thank you again, it really helped. 🙂
Post # 6
@weddingstress: Im in the same boat as you, My Future Mother-In-Law hates me. I havent done anything wrong other than being a southerner who she thinks isnt good enough for their rich family. Apparently the college I went isnt good enough, my background isnt good enough or anything else for that matter. I just ignore her and my Fiance has basically told her that even if she doesnt like me she damn well better respect me. She now just keeps it to herself and is polite. Sorry your going through this mess. Good luck…
Post # 7
WHAT DO I DO??? She is not effecting our relationship at all, but I feel like something should be said.if not for me then at least for my fiancé. Did I mention she Refused to come to his and our children’s baptism because his father was there?!?! This above all, things makes me angry. He was devastated that his mother would miss such an important moment.
First take a deep breath and know that NO matter what at the end of the day you cannot change her and do not try. “She” will be the one with regrets not you when the kids miss out on having her there. If you have made every effort on your end to be polite and kind to her and she continues then let it be. You both just be as pleasant as ever and not feed into the negativity. I wouldnt make any extra effort as the previous poster said, and continue to not have it affect your relationship
My Future Mother-In-Law is somewhat the same, I respect her and listen to her sound off and then say well have a great day and thats it…I think she wants me upset but not loosing sleep over her.
Post # 8
Honestly, I didn’t read your whole post… Just that his mom hates you…
It’s been 19 years for me and my husband (we are having a vow renewal next year that is why I’m on the bee) and that woman STILL hates me…
My love for him is strong. Sometimes there is nothing we can do. Just love him and know that she will always be his mom, so the situation MAY never change. Be prepared. That is my advice to you.
Post # 9
@Ronneykay: I agree with this. Good luck!
Post # 10
don’t worry about it….if you and Fiance both understand and know what she is like…its fine. If your Fiance didn’t see any of his moms behaviour and it caused fights…that would be a problem.
Do your own thing and be thankful she lives half an hour away.
Post # 11
His mother is a bitch–she’s never going to like you. It’s not your problem–if she wants to see her grandkids she’ll quit being such a rude bitch–otherwise they’re better off not knowing her
Post # 12
@sylvia.riggle: they’re better off not knowing her
That may be true because she may talk about you unfavorably to her grandchildren…
Post # 13
What. A. Bitch. Don’t let it get you down, go about with your life, keep contact to a minimun, and don’t let her have the satisfaction of putting any strain on your life or relationship. She may never like you. She may eventually come around. But I don’t think there is anything you can do in either sittuation so I wouldn’t waste too much time thinking about it. You sound like a wonderful person and a great mother and it sounds like you and your Fiance have a lovely life together. 🙂
Post # 14
Thank you all so very much. It is really nice to hear that is not my fault. I Am still playingnice and going to continue to do so. I m having a birthday Party for his grandmother at our home tomorrow seeing as his family isn’t. I think it may be her lst, I’m shocked that no one stepped up to the plate on this one. Oh well,kill her with kindness. Again thank you all so much for your comments and advice. It really does help.