Post # 1
My husband is a wonderful man, has always treated me really well and with so much respect. He really does try to make me happy but now that we’re married I have come to face several issues that are weighing on me to the extent that I no longer feel that love I used to for him and I don’t know what to do. Please help with any advice. Here are my issues:
1. He has developed a sexual issue–I think it’s ED and possibly other reasons but either way we simply have not been able to have relations for months. He had an appt. with a doc but it got rescheduled. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for this issue to get fixed. I am having serious anxiety about how we will ever have children when we can’t even have sex (we did a few times once married but then his ED kicked in). This is a MAJOR source of stress/anxiety for me as I’m in my 30s and I really want us to start trying to conceive soon. My husband is more laid back about and keeps telling me it will get fixed. Well then why hasn’t it??? I don’t know whether to put more pressure on him about this or to just let it go and see if it gets fixed (I doubt it).
2. He works SO much. He’s a doctor but he doesn’t need to pick up all these extra shifts since we have plenty in savings. Since he works a lot, when he comes home he’s tired. And on weekends he is also at work. So we barely have any time to really spend together. This in turn also affects our sex life because either he ends up being too tired for it….or its’ the ED issue. I have told him numerous times to slow down with work and he does for a bit but then it goes back to the same schedule.
I feel super sad and lonely sometimes in this marriage. Other times I feel so loved and happy. But right now I am leaning more towards sad and lonely and as time goes on those feelings grow. I am also fantasizing about other men and dreaming of them (no one in particular but in general). Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be married to someone who is crazy hot in love with me and full of passion for life and for ME. I don’t feel that in my marriage and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Post # 3
I don’t know why you feel you need someone crazy, hot, in love with you. Your husband probably does, but it seems he is overworked and probably stressed out, especially since he’s also having “issues” in the dept you need him most.
I think he really needs to know again and again how much this is affecting your relationship with him and that you are also concerned about his well-being with this issue and concerned about your future concerning kids.
I think he also needs to set aside a day a week where the two of you have a date night. Go out, have fun, have sex, and don’t talk work or anything stressful.
Good luck. *big hugs*
Post # 4
@temporary: I really recommend that you both read the book “The Sex Starved Marriage.” It takes a really compassionate view towards both partners in a relationship where one partner is sexually unsatisfied and recommends some things you can both do to improve that part of your relationship. It’s really worth picking up.
About the workaholism – that really sucks. I can imagine how neglected and lonely you must feel. Have you tried talking to him about that? I think sometimes guys don’t realize how deep our feelings run – he might think about it in terms of like, you’re just bored and want him to be around more to do fun things with, instead of the reality which is that you feel really lonely and sad when he works all the time.
Passion ebbs and flows, I think, but if you’re both willing to work on it, you can both get it back. I think it just takes a lot of communication and willingness to work on making things great again.
Post # 5
@megz06: So you do recommend that I don’t let this sex issue go and keep bringing it up? I have gently told him about how I’m concerned and that while I’m sure he is stressed about it as well we need to both address the issue or otherwise it won’t be fixed. He usually just keeps quiet and says that he will fix it–he won’t argue with me and says he’ll do what I want and that he loves me. But time and time again I feel the issue is not improving. And the more he experiences ED the worse it gets because it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. So bottom line, you suggest that I don’t let it go and keep the topic alive right?
@KatieBklyn: Thanks, I will look into this book. To be honest, I’m not even that obsessed with having sex but since we have this issue now it has become an obsession for me because we can’t have it! If we had no issues in that department I could easily be happy with once a week.
Post # 6
@temporary: There’s this BIG secret in marriage, that no one ever tells you, and you just have to find out for yourself… love, doesn’t look the way we see it in movies, or read in books or even fantasize about…sure there’s passion and crazy hot sex…but sometimes there’s laundry and a dog with a case of the trots and then the furnace goes out…or it’s a hellish Christmas at someone’s parent’s house and you both escape to the bathroom for a shot of whatever is in someone’s flask because you can’t hear about Aunt Agne’s gout another minute and the fruitcake MIGHT be the same one from last year….
Sure, the ED problem needs to be addressed, and your needs are important, but he’s in charge of getting that sorted out. He might be avoiding it because he’s scared it’s an indicator of more serious health problems, embarassed to address it or being downright stubborn because he feels pushed by you and after all, it’s HIS penis. Perhaps a focus that is more him oriented than you and your fears will bring these issues to light, and make the entire thing less scary and more approachable.
And finally, it’s not his job to make you happy…that’s your job. He’s a doctor, you knew that going in, they have crazy schedules and odd hours, they get worn out, used up and drained…take the opportunity to branch out, try new things, enrich yourself in this next chapter, because personal growth is a never ending journey.
I hope things get better and you can find some joy, good luck!
Post # 7
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I don’t know how else to state it: If you vowed to love your husband no matter what, or in sickness and in health, or anything along those lines, then I hope you will honor that vow. He probably really needs you to be more undersanding and loving about his disorder. If the tables were turned and you were the one with some sort of health issue that caused life to be less than peachy, wouldn’t you want him to be loving and care for you anyways?
Post # 8
Wait you are in your 30s (I’m assuming he is as well) and he has ED? Its not physical its psychological, something major is bothering or stressing him and you nagging him about it is not helping him at all. it looks like he doesnt feel like he can talk to you about it probably because he feels pressure to make you happy and feels less of a man because of this problem (guys and their penis are a big deal lol).
Also he’s a doctor, he doesnt need to schedule appointments for tons of things, usually they just go up to a coworker and ask for a prescription or help over lunch. Maybe broach the subject from a different view point or angle because he probably know what the problem is and that is why he is so certain it will get fixed because this was covered in his training. Drop the subject, tell him one more time honestly how it makes you feel, how much it worries you and if there is anything that you are doing wrong or what you can do to help him.
Sweety in the end that situation is about him, not about you. Another thing is that he doesnt know and is really embarrassed to ask for help. Think of how you would feel if you couldnt make him happy in such a fundamental aspect of your relationship.
Also the fact that he works all these extra shifts, ask him why he feels the need to do so? It could be that he’s worried about spending time alone with you because then you are going to want sex and he wont be able to perform? So working extra and being tired is an excuse sort of? Or it could be that he now feels the need to provide for you and the pressure of him feeling inadecuate is affecting him?
I mean I dont know if any of this is true or applies in your case its just ideas to throw out there to consider…. hope it gets fixed
Post # 9
@howtobeawife: You are right. I know if the tables were turned he would be 100% supportive of me and super considerate of my feelings. I am really trying hard to be sensitive to this issue–but when he postponed the doctor’s appointment I was disappointed and I expressed that to him. I have never attacked him or said anything harsh–but I have expressed that it’s difficult for me because I would like us to resolve this issue and when the appotinemt gets pushed back then it makes it even harder.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
This is not about you, so let’s re-frame the conversation in your head. He has a medical and/or emotional problem. Put yourself in his shoes. A guys “performance” in the bedroom and the boardroom is the very definition of his masculinity. He has bedroom issues, which are likely threatening his very sense of self. And you want him to spend less time in the boardroom (err… hospital), thereby destabilizing his other sense of self. I think you ought to try to be a whole lot more patient, supportive, and selfless while he deals with the physical and emotional consequences of his issues.
Post # 11
@minipenguin: You make some good points. He is embarassed and has anxiety over it–he has expressed it to me. I have tried SO hard to be sensitive about it but when I see that nothing changes I can’t help but feel like he is not taking it as seriously as he should. Also, another thing that bothers me is that we schedule sex and almost every time it gets postponed–because he still has not seen a doctor. So I waited for so long until his appointment–which thne got postponed. Do you see my frustration?
Post # 12
@lovekiss: I understand what you’re saying, and I do agree but my concern is if I “let this go” then it will never be fixed and when we do want to ttc, it will be too late to fix it. Am I being too OCD about this?
Post # 13
@temporary: Maybe it’s time for a heart-to-heart where you do more listening than talking. You need to find out why he postponed. I agree with others who say there’s an emotional thing going on with him, too.
Post # 14
@howtobeawife: He postponed because the doctor’s office rescheduled it for another day and on that day he couldn’t make it because of work–so it got pushed back 2 weeks. But again, this brings me back to the fact that work has once again interfered with fixing this problem.
It looks like everyone here is telling me to be patient and leave him alone–and I am going to do my best to do so.
For example, last night we were supposed to be intimate but he was so exhausted and asked if we could tonight instead– but I am going to tell him that we don’t have to and can wait until he feels better.
Post # 15
Tell him. It makes me so sad when i read stories/posts on the bee about people who are unhappy in their relationships. He (or she) is always a great person and treats me wonderfully, but still you have a problem. Communication is huge in a marriage. People always feel more comfortable talking to their friends or complete strangers about their issues-is it because you are too afraid to hurt your partner? Dont want to be judged by him/her, dont want to anger them, like to avoid awkward situations/conversations? I think it is worse not telling them and being unhappy myself and not giving my spouse the opportunity to address any issues…potentially leading to a failed marriage.
My advice is to sit down and tell him how you feel. The way you start the conversation and the tone you use will dictate how it goes. Start with something like; Hunny, i am having a hard time and need your help. I feel (insert issue here-lonely). I feel lonely because i live far away from my family and do not get to see them as much as i would like, my friends are married and have young children making it difficult for them to hang out often, and it feels as though you are working more than you did 6 months ago. is there something happening at work that requires you to be there more? Covering for a coworker, short staffed, etc? I understand that boss Bob (just making this up as i go along) needs extra help at the office. I am starting to miss you and would like to see you more. do you think there is some way that you can spilt the extra time with someone else, or be home by 6 or 7pm so we can have some together time?
So that was just an example, but if you address the issue that you are having as something on you rather than him, his nice-ness will come out because he is helping you. It was worded in a way that is wasnt an attack on him. If you say, you work too much i deserve time too, it sounds naggy and attacking resulting in a poor response.
I know that when i talk to my fiance i never get what i want (extra love, help with cleaning, etc) if i tell him what to do, or tell him how he isnt pulling his weight, or say anything using negativity. And if i say something using negativity the result never lasts, a week tops. but if it is from the heart and positive, it lasts for a long time (sometimes the occasional reminder is needed, but nothing more than a minute before he remembers our conversation and is back doing wonderful things)
whatever you do in or about your marriage, just give him the opportunity to know where you stand and the chance to address anything. Good luck and i wish you the very best. Hugs.
Post # 16
@temporary: You don’t have to be obsessed with sex for lack of it to be an issue. 🙂 I mean, sex is a big thing for reasons beyond just the physical act. All kinds of other things are tied up in there – bonding, intimacy, self esteem and so on. It’s such an emotional thing, and I think it has repercussions way beyond the bedroom. The book does a really great job of exploring that, too. Please don’t judge yourself for your feelings about the lack of sex! It’s totally normal to want a healthy and fulfilling sex life. 🙂
ETA: While he’s waiting for his doctor’s appointment, can you guys try to find other ways to schedule intimate times without the pressure of “time to get it in”? I find sometimes it’s really nice just to get naked and cuddle and kiss with no expectations. You can tell him, “Babe, I just want to get nekkid and snuggle. Can we do that?” It helps you feel close and intimate without making either of you feel like you’ve failed at something if intercourse doesn’t happen.