Post # 1
Hello lovely ladies, I could use your advice one again.
Here’s the deal, our guest list has probably been the most stressful thing to do with our wedding…by far. It actually caused some drama right away; apparently both Fiance and my parents didn’t think we could fit all the guests they + we wanted to invite into a 360 capacity room (which I think is alot!). Anyways, we’ll make it work, but here’s the thing. In making some cuts, is it ok to NOT invite someone whose wedding you went to (like just this past fall)? This was a girl from HS, and I was on a same sport team as her.
I’ve barely seen her since HS (which was almost 9 years ago! <sidenote: WOW>), and she invited me to her wedding and I went. I was genuinely happy for her and enjoyed watching and participating in her celebration. However, we are not close and I’m already cutting people I’m closer with. Is that ok? I just feel bad and am wondering how you would feel if you were in her shoes.
Post # 3
How long ago was the wedding? We had to add 2 ppl cause they invited us to thers which was on friday and we went and ours is in less than 3 months. So that’s why WE made that choice.
Post # 4
@MadTownGirl: You don’t have to invite anybody, but since you went to her wedding just this past fall I would not cut her unless you had no other choice.
Post # 5
You don’t *have* to invite her, but it would probably hurt my feelings if I invited someone to my wedding & they didn’t invite me to theirs (if they were within a short time frame of one another). If it was a small, intimate wedding, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but if you’re actually having hundreds of people, I think it would be polite for you to invite her.
But, if you have no option other than to cut her, then you have to do what you have to do.
Post # 6
We had to invite a couple who’s wedding we were apparently (I don’t remember seeing any invitation with my name on it, but whatevs) invited to, but didn’t attend. They asked where their invitation was after the wife’s sibling (who we’re actually FRIENDS with) recieved one and they didn’t… didn’t put us over, so no biggie.
If you’re down to the nitty gritty, and already cutting people you’re actually close with, I wouldn’t worry about it. Just because she invited you, doesn’t mean she gets an automatic in at your wedding. You should be spending it with people who you want to.
Post # 7
@MadTownGirl: After her wedding, you were supposed to write a short note to the hostess thanking her for the lovely meal and the wonderful time you had. Sometime in the same season, after the bride and groom returned from their honeymoon, and assuming that they live in the same city as you, you were supposed to return their hospitality by inviting them over to dinner or taking them out to a restaurant. If you did those things, even if they declined your kind invitation to dinner, then all your social obligations have been fulfilled and you do not need to invite them to your wedding.
If you did not do those things, then your social obligations were not fulfilled, but inviting them to your wedding won’t make up for it, either, since too much time has elapsed. Just resolve to reciprocate more promptly in the future, and if you want show your friendly feelings to this lady by “liking” her Facebook status and/or meeting her out for coffee sometime.
Post # 8
@aspasia475: Seriously? People do that???? I had 300 guests at my wedding, I’m glad I didn’t have all those people inviting me to dinner….
I think in your shoes I would invite her since her wedding was fairly recent (I had some similar situations at my wedding) but if it really means putting you over your limit then you do what you gotta do, but 360 people is A LOT!
Post # 9
I think that your day should be filled with people that you love, that you want to be around and that you will remember fondly looking back. If her being there doesn’t matter to you one way or the other I wouldn’t invite her.
Yes, she might have her feelings hurt and you may not hang out soon after the wedding, but where you really planning to hang out with her soon anyway?
I had to make a call like that. I was actually the maid of honor in a close friends wedding. Since her wedding she nearly feel off the face of the earth, got divorced and made some bad choices. By the time that I got engaged we hadn’t even spoke in quite a while. I opted to not invite her. I am sure that she would have liked to invite her, but the truth is that we aren’t friends anymore and we wanted only our closest freinds and family. We don’t regret it, and we had a great time with people we really enjoy.
Post # 10
This past fall, Like more than 6 months ago? I think technically you are supposed to invite them. However, if you haven’t talked to her since the wedding does she even know you are getting married? I typically think it is strange and out of the blue when I get a wedding invite for someone I haven’t spoken to in over 6 months, but that is just me.
Post # 11
There were a couple people we didn’t invite that we either attended or were invited but didn’t attend. I didn’t feel great about it but at the same time I only invited a 100 people so I chose to only have those most important in my everyday life. I don’t regret not having them at my wedding but I would maybe feel a little bad if I ever ran into them.
Post # 12
@aspasia475: Huh? I’ve never heard of such a thing.
OP, it’s up to you, but if I were in your shoes I would probably feel guilty and invite them. It’s true, you don’t have to invite anybody, but if it were me I would. By The Way, holy cow 360 is a lot of people! Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 13
@MrsStormy: Yes, people do that. Many don’t of course — I’d venture to say “most” in the case of the under-forty crowd although that may be maligning the thirty-somethings. And out-of-town guests are not expected to invite you to dinner, though their bread-and-butter note should contain a pro-forma offer of the “please let us know when you visit our city” variety, so nowadays with the dwindling proportion of home-town weddings that cuts down on the dinner invitations considerably. And of course you don’t need to accept every invitation, but in the days when weddings really did mark the start of a young wife’s homemaking career those opportunities to have a good meal that she didn’t have to cook herself were generallyl snapped up happily. Nowadays the happy couple is likely to have been sharing cooking duties for a few years and the young husbands are often quite good cooks, but dinner out is still a treat in my book.
Post # 14
Bees, thank you for your response…I read each one and appreciate the feedback.
The main issue isn’t her in particular, it just opens the door to others that we’re closer with that and would feel bad not including. But, I think we’ll invite her and hope others understand.
@aspasia–I have never heard of that! Wow, maybe I’m living under a rock, but of all the mid-20’s wedding’s I’ve been to in the past few years, no one has done that. Thanks for the info, although I’m not sure I’ll be able to follow that rule. 🙁
360 IS a LOT of people (to plan for too!), so I’m really glad we had a capacity # from the venue. Otherwise with our families’ requests, I’m afraid we would’ve been close to 500! 😉
Post # 15
@MadTownGirl: (and, for that matter, @reginaphalange: 🙂 ) I don’t think that you’ve been living under a rock, or even for that matter “raised by wolves” as one occasionally hears your generation’s being libeled. It is simply that nowadays too few people practice the social formalities, for you to be expected to have run into them in day-to-day life. Most people don’t engage in any sort of formal entertaining, until they get dumped into the deep end at their own wedding. Then they resort to wedding-related websites that are all too happy to trot out rulings about what “etiquette says” brides must do or not do.
But, as @jessiesdream noted recently, the wedding etiquette advice rarely gets into what a good guest must do or not do. I suspect that’s because guests don’t generally run to websites and hyper-focus on the coming wedding at which they will be a guest, so there isn’t much point in preaching to them. As a result, unless you’ve been dragged along to boring formal social events by your mother — or nowadays more likely your grandmother — and shown to observe the social niceties as a guest by some stuffy old role model, you’re pretty much left relying on whatever good manners you practiced at high-school dances and birthday parties.
There’s nothing wrong with that, except that once you are trying to follow unfamiliar formalities at your own wedding, you get caught out on issues like whether those rules require that you return-invite people. It’s the inconsistancy that trips people up. If everything were informal and familiar, you’d be fine. And if you knew the formal rules, you’d be fine. But the learning curve can be brutal when it comes on you all at once.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t invite her if I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t care what she thought, inviting her means she will want a plus 1 for her husband. Don’t worry, I’m sure there will be a few more guests of hers getting married that she won’t get an invite from.