Post # 1
Hi bees, Im a regular poster in hiding because Im embarassed about this problem. Ive tried talking to friends but nobody is like me and I feel so alone. Sorry if this is long.
Im generally a laid back, happy person and that used to be the case in all areas of my life, until a few years ago. One day I read a news story about a young business man who was murdered as he walked home from a night out with colleagues not far from where we live. The statement his fiancee gave in court broke my heart. A few weeks later, my boyfriend (now FI) got drunk on a night out with friends and decided to walk an hour home at 2am thriugh dodgy areas alone. I freaked out when I found (he called me) and begged him to get a taxi or bus but he wouldnt, so when he mentioned where he was I got in my car (in my pajamas) and got him myself as i was so scared for his safety.
Since then, my anxiety around his safety has escalated. I should clarify he is a hard working, sensible, wonderful guy. He does not go out drinking often, yet when he does i give him such a hard time. He thinks its because im being naggy but really im just scared. Now, i dont just worry about him being attacked, i worry about all sorts of things, eg what if he gets drunk and walKs in front of a car etc..i can imagine any scenario you can think of and tell myself it could happen. I will cannot relax or sleep until he is home. It has also now spread into other areas e.g. When he Goes runningi worry he will drop dead of a heart attack (he is 27). This started after a friend of my brothers died playing sport as a teenager due to an ndiagnosed heart condition.
I do realise this is toally irrational. How can I get better? I want to be supportive and let him enjoy himself but i know for sure he has turned down a few things he would enjoy doing cosof me. That hurts me so much. Can anyone relate? What is wrong with me?
Sorry for typos…stupid ipad.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you are suffering so much from the anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder myself and it’s not pleasant.
I think it’s time for you to see your doctor. The right meds plus therapy can do wonders.
Post # 4
@Anxiousbee83: It must be hard when you have anxiety over your loved ones… I think sassy411 is right… seeing a therapist will help.
I don’t think you’ve had it long…so a little chat, therapy could help you heaps and get things back to normal.
It is a scary world…but have faith in your FH.. and talk to him about how you feel. Instead of mentioning it when he is ABOUT to go out or afterwards… maybe over a nice dinner or a snuggle time.. tell him why you’re scared and that you’d like his help as well.
Big hug for you~~ XO
Post # 5
Thank you both. Its been about 6 or 7 years probably I have had this. It hasnt got any better since then. Ive spoken to him a bit, im not sure he understands how anxious i get though.
I really dont want to take any meds…I dont feel this affects me day to day, only when hes going out or away or doing something that triggers these feelings. Maybe therapy would help me but the waiting list is so long and I cant afford to see someone privately. Wht kind of therapy though?! I dont even know what I have… Anxiety, OCD, something else…
I just feel so totally abnormal. My fi has his bachelor party in a few weeks – arent most girls worried about their fi getting a stripper or something?? These things dont even occur to me because i am so worried he wont come back alive!
In the cold light of day that sounds ridiculous even to me. But I guarantee I will be worrying about this while he is gone.
Post # 6
@Anxiousbee83: I have anxiety and this sounds very similar to my sometimes ‘crazy’ behaviour.
As your loved one is close to you its no surprise you project your worrying onto him or things that may happen to him.. I do the same thing, lying awake worrying for no reason that he may be attacked on the way home or something but you have to understand that the anxiety itself is the issue.
You should go to the Doc to deal with it asap- once you have someone tell you its actually a health issue- not something you have done wrong, and there is medication to help it will get a whole lot easier… honestly.
This should be something you work through together, and I am certain your man will be supportive once you discuss it more coherantly- again I found the Doc really helpful as they were able to explain what anxiety is, and why it come about, which in turn will help you explain.
You should also remember that it may not be one thing that makes you act this way, but rather it helps to imagine (when you feel you are being irrational) that stress and anxiety are like water in a cup- when you cup is almost full it can only take the smallest amount more to overflow, and for an anxiety attack etc to occur. This really helps me try to manage anxiety each day, and try to relax/destress little and often so (hopefully) it rarely gets to that overflow point.
First things first- get to your GP, then have a nice chat with your man and a massive hug. Good luck and hugs! xx
Post # 7
PS I do much more of the relaxation techniques, and chose not to go down the constant medication route but rather take beta blockers only when I really need to (they often prescribe these for stage fright among other things) just as and when needed, and herbal sleeping tablets when I lay awake- so it may be they suggest something like that, don’t be afraid to go to the doc just to avoid full-on meds, there are loads of options… therapy etc, before you get to that point.
And as an example of the things anxiety can do (I can laugh about this now)
I used to live the other side of london to my SO and once got up at 5:30am at his place having stayed over- I was having a panic attack because I thought i may have left an electric heater on at my place the day before- I was certain my whole house had burned down, so I made the 1 hour trip, before work, at 6am on the tube, just to check- of course it was fine.. he woke up to wonder where I had gone and when I explained I really think he thought I had lost the plot that time.. and as you say, in the cold light of day it sounded ridiculous but I really felt it was true! Now, whenever I have a bad day, I think to myself… okay but this is not as bad as that
Post # 8
a long waiting list doesn’t sound too good…
Perhaps before finding an actual therapist… perhaps a support group could help out in the mean time? I’m not sure if your religious or not…but sometimes churches offer lots of counseling and community support.
Getting professional help IS important…but TALKING and SHARING really helps lighten the load. Personally I am a Christian and a relationship with God was what got me out of my depression. Doctors were quick to recommend medication but even though it took longer, I was able to work it through day by day.
As flutterbee mentioned, it is something BOTH of you will have to work on together. I am very sure the professional therapist will also want to include your Fiance in the process.
A fear of losing someone is a very difficult feeling to suppress….
A huge bee hug for you my dear anxiousbee~!
Post # 9
Thanak you all so much for your kind words. It is nice to know im not alone.
Ive been looking into the cost of private CBT and I might be able to afford it, with help from my Fiance. I am sure he would support this. Ill also make an appt with my GP to see whats available on the nhs and how long the wait time is
Post # 10
That made me laug, i have done something similar with straighteners in the past!
Post # 11
@Anxiousbee83: I can relate, for sure.
I have stopped reading the Daily Mail (it’s an English tabloid newspaper that has some of the WORST stories I’ve ever read). I try not to watch the news. I am one of those people who feel a lot of empathy for others (like too much) and can’t just brush things off.
I will admit though that the same type of thoughts pop into my head about my boyfriend. Sometimes I talk to him about it, and other times I just worry. I did see a counsellor though.. I was having a bad time feeling depressed and anxious. I wasn’t diagnosed w. anything, the counsellor just thought I needed to learn how to relax a bit better.
One thing that helps me is to be more conscious of my thoughts. When I find myself thinking of something happening to my bf, cat, sister, mom.. whoever, I stop myself and ask myself how realistic my thought is. If it isn’t realistic, I try to focus on something else. I try to distract myself. I try to only worry about what I CAN control vs. all these hypotheticals. If you think about it, it’s silly to worry about something that may never happen.
My guy is older than me and I’ll admit, I do worry about the heart attack thing. He runs more than once a week, and we have started swimming together as well. I feel a bit better knowing that he isn’t just sitting around all the time. Ultimately this might help, but then again even the healthiest of people get sick. And of course that terrifies me.
I guess I just keep telling myself that I MUST stop worrying. It’s not easy to stop the bad thoughts, but it can be done. Some days are better than others. You just have to train your mind to focus on something else.
Your guy is a big boy and not stupid. Random bad things happen, but they are quite rare.
Post # 12
Poor thing, you are SUPER anxious, and now you’re anxious your anxiety will drive away the man you love!! 🙁 *hugs* I would really suggest you talk to a therapist about your anxiety issues. They are usually triggered by something and make us act irrationally. I feel the same way about airplanes. I love flying, but have severe anxiety due to turbulence….so that starts bleeding into other areas in my life…I just feel out of control (which is the key thing that triggers anxiety for me!) and it’s frustrating because you feel like there are all these crazy outside forces that you have no control over…I find myself becoming anxious about anything bad that can happen to me or my loved ones due to uncontrollable factors. I just wanted to say that I can related to everything you said. Talking to someone and sorting our your feelings will do you a world of good!!
Post # 13
Sorry 🙁 I can’t imagine living in fear like that. Maybe it would be a good idea to see a counselor and get some help?
Post # 14
You are not alone! Find happy things to do, so your mind can’t wonder as much. Try meditation for calming the mind or something really active to keep the mind focused on something else.
I stopped reading newspapers and watchint the news. It helps not to know all the craziness that is out there. I go on discussion forums to keep myself occupied if I am at home waiting for my DH. If I am out, I try to enjoy what I am doing instead of worrying about DH’s safety. It is really really hard not to flip out every day on him and keep my anxiety’s to myself. As long as I am doing something, it is easier not to think about it. Counselling does not help me as much as I would like it to, she usually gives me all the coping ideas I am already doing or have already read about. So I guess I have all the tools now and I just have to work on myself. It was very helpful in the beginning, though, when I was too anxious to find how to coop on my own.
Post # 15
Post # 16
I have mild anxiety (triggered by specific factors) and I have xanax for the isolated times that it’s triggered (probably only a couple times a year.) I would suggest counseling or something where you aren’t taking a specific dosage of meds every day, but only when needed. I agree with pps that I would limit your exposure to the news or media that focuses on negative situations to help as well.