(Closed) Please Help this is so hard and I just need voices of reason!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Payless:  It sounds like you’re the best choice for him, but maybe he isn’t the best choice for you.  That said – you’re making the sacrifice for your family and that’s commendable.  Make sure you put your husband first and make that clear to your brother.  At 16 he can understand rules and boundaries and be home alone – you guys can still live your lives. 

Post # 33
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

@Payless:  It looks like you have already received great advice. I just hope you and your husband are able to brace yourselves financially.  Teenagers eat a lot can might cause financial strain. Fortunately,  your husband is on your side, but I would suggest discussing how you will manage financially. That way it will alleviate the stress of this new transition. 

Post # 35
Member
2480 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think it is a great thing you are thinking of doing and am sure that the security of being with people who genuinely care for him and don’t treat him like an unwanted piece of furniture is just what your brother needs. He will undoubtedly feel far more secure living somewhere that he has boundaries – teenagers actually prefer some sort of structure even if they claim they know it all! I would strongly advise (having brought up 2 boys) that you sit down and come up with agreed guidelines too rather than just laying down rules. That will also show you care.

Having said this, don’t let your mother entirely off the hook. Her son IS her responsibility regardless of where he is living. She needs to recognise this.

Post # 37
Member
2480 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Payless:  I don’t know how the law works where you are but I know that over here, 16 year olds would not be forced to live in an uncaring atmosphere of the type you describe. So your mother could not make your brother stay in her home.

But I think that yes, you probably do need some sort of legal documentation that clarifies the position – what happens so far as consent if your brother needs medical treatment, for example? – but I suspect that unless you adopt him, you cannot entirely over-rule her legal responsibility for him until 18.

Post # 38
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you recognize what a gift it was for your DH’s family to be there for you when you were younger and your mother was being irresponsible.  Now, you and your Darling Husband are able to do the generous and mature thing and give that same gift to your brother.

I’d also agree that it would probably be in your brothers best interest for this to last until he was 18.  Maybe don’t deal with exactly how long this will last right now, but see how things are going at the end of the school year.  If he’s straightened up, has better friends, has a job and is generally following the rules, then I’d campaign for keeping him – yes it does take away from being a newly wed, but you’re setting your brother in a better path in life.

If he wants to do this, and while he’s in that state of mind, try to get some agreement from him (maybe in writing) about what the limits are and what the house-rules will be.  

Kudos to you for being willing to step up and do the best thing for him, and I hope that it all works out for everyone.

 

Post # 41
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was just going to ask if you considered getting a legal support check from your mother and his father….

 

Post # 43
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Payless:  Where is his biological father? He owes support…

Post # 44
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Payless:  I know I would take my bro. He can get a part time job to help out and it’s a better environment

Post # 46
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

First of all, I just want to say that you are really doing a commendable thing here. You definitely don’t HAVE to take your brother in, and it’s extremely generous and, honestly, noble of you to do so.

Second, I completely agree with @Steampunkbride: that it would be a good idea to talk through the rules WITH your little brother, so that he feels like he has some personal agency. He will feel very uprooted, and it will be a big shock to him to suddenly be in a house with strict rules. If he has a hand in creating those rules, and if you explain to him WHY you have certain expectations–and get him on board with those expectations–he’ll be a lot more likely to follow them.

I know you said that he’s always been really respectful of you and your Darling Husband, and that may continue. But you should also be prepared for him to rebel, act out, and do other things to test your love and security. He may feel abandoned by your mom, and he may need to test you to see if you’re going to abandon him as well. If it were me, I personally wouldn’t threaten to send him back to your mom if he’s bad–I would emphasize that your love and security are unconditional, and place the “consequences” of bad behavior somewhere else–a loss of privileges, for example. Again, that’s just how I would handle it.

And finally, remember that he is NOT your child, and that you have every right to place your own family (you and your DH) first. I don’t know if I could do what you’re doing!!

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