(Closed) Please Help this is so hard and I just need voices of reason!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 47
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Payless:  I don’t have much advice to give because I’m the baby in my family and not a parent yet either. I just wanted to send you lots of internet *hugs* – what you’re doing is incredible and you’re the best sister in the world. I’m sure your brother will benefit immensely from staying with you and DH. You’re way more of a grown-up than your mother will ever be and she put you in a very strange and unfair position here. I’m just in awe of you, you’re amazing. 

I don’t know about US laws obviously but do you have any chance of having a lawyer assess the situation and prepare the paperwork? I think it would be a smart thing to do. Also, where I come from, it’s the parent’s job to financially support their child regardless of that fact that the child may live away from home (for example at a boarding school). You’re doing plenty by allowing your brother stay with you and taking his upbrining upon your shoulders. Make sure your mother sends you money for his food, clothing, school books etc. He’s still her child and her responsibility! 

Don’t be mad at me but I’m REALLY pissed off at your mother right now!!!

Post # 49
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@Payless:  Sending you lots of love and hugs, lady.

Post # 50
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Payless:  You’re a much better person than I am. I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to forgive what your mother put you through. Like I said, you’re amazing. Your post made me so grateful for my parents I just want to go and hug them right now. 

Just make sure that legally, everything is squeaky clean (can you tell I’m a lawyer? lol). It’s going to be a challenging task for you as it is and God forbid anything happens that could potentially put you in a position where you’d have to go and fight a legal battle on top of everything else, and with your husband deployed too. I wish I didn’t live on the other side of the world so I could help you with the legal side of things. But if you ever need emotional support, I’m there! 
 

Post # 51
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Payless:  Hi! I’m currently going through the same thing with my sister. I think it is very possible. My sister, however, has been taken out of her high school and is doing online school to finish high school, while working part-time. This was done for many reasons, but it works best for my sister and our situation. I would talk to your brother about your plan of action and figure out what works best for you, your husband, and your brother. Talk about things like:

What does he want to do about finishing school (with moving, following your husband, etc.)?

does he have plans after finshing high school?

Will he get a job?

How will his role change as he moves in?

What responsibilities is he ok with taking on?

How will his/your/your hussband’s life change from this move?

etc.

 

These aren’t questions based on whether or not he will or will not move in, but real things you need to discuss to help transistion.

Post # 53
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Payless:  It sounds like him being with you is the best of a bad situation. I would get a few professionals involved–one a lawyer, two a therapist.

Make sure to get the legal custody agreement in writing along with a power of attorney for your brother (in case he goes into the hospital and you have to make legal decisions on his behalf) Make sure to spell out how much you Mom would pay, who’s insurance he would be on and who will be responsible for medicl costs (maybe a credit card in your Mom’s name (that you keep hidden) for your brother’s expenses)

Also mgith be a good idea for you to get a therapist involved. A few family sessions to help iron out expectations. Then individual therapy for your brother to deal with his youth and the unstable household and also just the turmoil of being a teenager.

Good Luck–your brother is very lucky!

Post # 54
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think you could really benefit from reading Codepency No More (I have read it and it helped me tons-I just don’t want you feeling like you have to deal with your mom’s ridiculous requests or expectations for the rest of your life). It’s not your job to worry about your mom so I would think long and hard about what you are willing to do and have a sit down with your brother to give him a clear picture of what you can and cannot offer him. This is better for him too-knowing you can’t care for him permanently gives him the opportunity to light a fire under himself to become more indepedent or at least figure out what plans he wants for himself and his future. It’s tough because he’s too young for all of this and you definitely were too young to handle what you did, but of course he’s your brother and you don’t want to abandon him the way your parents have. Frown

 

I agree with everyone else though-no matter what responsiblities you take on, with a mother so “unpredicatable,” I would absolutely get everything down in writing and yes, asking her for financial support is absolutely worth bringing up. I am so sorry your mother hasn’t been responsible but kudos to you for trying to be that person for your brother.

Post # 56
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@Payless:  I am so, so sorry you had to grow up under those circumstances.  You’ve gotten so much great advice from the other bees, so I just wanted to offer my support.  You sound like a very sweet, caring, and mature person and I’m glad that you’re living a better life than when you were growing up.  It sounds like living with you and your husband is the best option for your brother.  You’ve mentioned that you and your husband are going to be very strict with him; I just ask that you don’t forget you’re his sister as well as his caretaker and that you’ll need to find a balance somewhere in between.

Best wishes and good luck!

Post # 58
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Oh, hell… if he’s 16 I would just take him and be prepared never to give him back.

Goos luck with whatever you decide.

Post # 59
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Payless: 

It’s been a difficult transition. My sister also got into drug stuff (marijuana) and was recently sexually assaulted (separate from drug use) so I’ve been doing a ton of counseling with her and for her. It is tough, but with the help of your husband (while he can) it’ll be ok. My partner works all the time so he helps while he can. 1 reason, but not the ultimate reason, as to why she decided to go with online school was so that we didn’t have to worry about rides to and from school or me panicking about whether I’d need to leave work if she has an anxiety attack. The good thing is that you two seem to have a good relationship so this will be a pretty smooth transition. I definitely recommend doing counseling and if needed, psychiatry. The counseling helped my sister and me with the transition of roles. I am now taking on a mother-like role because in our meeting, that’s the type of role my sister said would help her. My sister decided that her role is to try to become independent, which is her leap to get a job and assist around the house and supporting me as I support her. At her age, 16, teens start acting out because they are trying to be independent. They need structure, but freedom to get things done so that they still feel in control of their lives, without feeling the need to go off and drink, do drugs, fight, steal, etc. I’m learning to balance things out and teaching her to see from my perspective, while respecting hers. Each person is different, though so go with the flow and TRUST YOURSELF because your brother obviously trusts you and that is so special.

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