(Closed) Please help this MOB with her daughter!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
208 posts
Helper bee

I am one of those “I don’t care” brides.  There is no DIY at my wedding.  We are having chair covers only because Fiance wants them.  Then again, we are paying for it.  I will agree that because you are paying for 90% of it, you get some input.  

When is the wedding? How big?

Some thoughts I had while reading your post:

– Can you pick a few key items that are really important to you?

– Would you be willing to pay for 100% of the items you feel are important that she does not like? For example, my best friend’s mom was super into the invitations.  My friend didn’t care but because mom was paying and cared about it.  She had super awesome invitations that we all threw away, but it made her mom happy. 

– I am doing all the wedding planning, my Fiance has a crazy job right now.  This sounds like you and your daughter.  Like you, I get annoyed when he shoots down something with seemingly no reason.  Perhaps a different approach is to think of a reason why your thoughts something is important.  For example – with regards to the seating chart. I was told that if we did not do a seating chart it increased the required minimum seats by up to 20%.  This is due to people do not sort themselves out in groups of 10, or 12, or whatever.  We are doing seating per table – not the actual seat – even though it is a pain but to save some money.  

– When is the wedding? If it is far away – I would recommend taking a break.  Take a deep breath and a week off.  I have found I freak out over things because I’m in the weeds of the details and Fiance is thinking, what the hell are you doing?? 

Just looking at your list:

– No need for signs.  There may be a need for signs, but save your energy! She also may come around sooner to the wedding. No one has actually ever gotten lost at a wedding.

– Table linens: I am suprised that a high end venue would not almost “require” linens.  Do you have any pictures? People here have great ideas on how to fancy things up, and also help on reasons to help with a reluctant participant.  🙂

– Escort cards: this is actually something I feel strongly about but due to the large number additional seats it could require. 

Post # 3
323 posts
Helper bee

Does she know what the cocktail tables look like? If they look anything like the high-top tables I’ve seen, she will definitely want linens. 

Assigning tables is worth the trouble IMO. It’s extremely awkward trying to a place to sit if you don’t know anyone else or trying to find a table that has enough seats to fit aunt Suzie and her four kids.

Is she actually against signage, linens, and escort cards or does she just not want to have to think about them? If the latter, are you willing to pick up the slack and just choose the linens and signage for her?

Post # 5
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you are paying for 90% of the wedding, then in my opinion, you get the final say on whether there are escort cards, or table cloths in the cocktail space.  On the flip side, you’re the one who will be paying for 90% of adding linens or signage or escort cards.  

What brides are told again and again on this site is “If they aren’t helping pay for it, they don’t get a say”.  I think the reverse is also true.  If my mom had been paying for 90% of my wedding and she had said “I think we should do escort cards/assigned tables so that Aunt Betty doesn’t start a fist fight with her brother’s home-wrecking mistress” then we would have escort cards.  

Post # 6
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Cindyh81:  First off, you sound so helpful!! You are definitely NOT “that MOB” in my opinion. It sounds like your daughter doesn’t really care about the details and on top of that, doesn’t want to take advice from you (maybe?). I’m not sure if she feels like since you are paying that you’re “dictating” what should happen, which could be why she is being ornery. It also sounds like you are much more detail oriented and want to make sure she has a wonderful, put-together event. I have definitely had some of these moments with my mom over wedding things (escort cards, appetizers after the ceremony) but in the end I saw where she was coming from and thanked her for thinking of it. I think what helped for me was having my mom explain why she thought various things were necessary (escort cards) and then I was able to adjust. 

Post # 9
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Cindyh81:  Perhaps you can hire a Day-of Coordinator and let her make the logistical arrangements.    Have you explained to your daughter precisely why you want those elements?  I think making things easier for guests is always a good idea.  Best of luck to you!

Post # 10
75 posts
Worker bee

Frankly, if she doesn’t care about the details, I would just organise these things and not mention it to her. She’s probably frustrated with being bogged down by details of everything and I don’t think it would bother her to show up on the day and see the place cards/signage, etc. If she’s not one for details, she’ll probably just shrug and forget about it. Win win.

You sound like an awesome MOB! Great job!

Post # 11
4036 posts
Honey bee

I applaud you for your concern. I know one bride, whose parents gave her a check to cover everything, but gave no guidance. They should of. I don’t know what percentage was devoted to guest comfort and hosting, but it was sorely lacking. The MOB expressed concern in a few areas, such as assigning tables (200 guests), but the bride wasn’t interested. My family got stuck at one with uninvited kids (who didn’t shut up all evening). Another bride I know had parents who also paid 100%, but she refused their input. In the end, she chose a menu that had her mother respond “who eats food like this?”

We paid for our daughter’s weddings, and I helped with lots of seemingly mundane details. The couples made almost all of the decisions. For the 1st, my husband set the precedent by saying “It’s 21 and up!” and the phrase “No pay, no say!” when dealing with suggestions from parties who didn’t contribute one dime. I went with the 2nd couple, to band showcases. After we heard the 10th one, I put my foot down and told them they had to make a decision, or I was going to buy all the guests kazoos, and they could entertain themselves.

I agree with the P.P. who suggested that you can handle some of the details. She’ll be so busy the evening of the wedding, she won’t even notice, but guests will appreciate it.

Post # 12
245 posts
Helper bee

Fairly common here to have a table plan but no escort cards. Little simpler and less formal but still helpful 

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