- 4 years ago
Hi Dear Bees –
I need advice, guidance, to vent….I don’t know. Background about us: engaged since Christmas, together just under 6 years total, he’s 40 and I’m 35. Obvioulsy, not our first time to the relationship rodeo, but I feel like we have these 2 issues that can’t seem to get worked out.
Issue 1: Communication. Most of the time we’re really good at this. Yes, I’m a talker and he’s more the quite, silent type. BUT, when it comes to things we’re having problems with (mostly issue #2) we get into these really big fights, things are said that aren’t meant, etc. The fights usually last about an hour and then we go our separate ways, sometimes avoiding eachother for days. Now, I know that I can be pushy with wanting to work things out instantly. My method is to simply sit down, hash it out, resolve whatever it is, and forgive and forget. He does not play this ball game. He needs time to think, collect his thoughts, and basically spend time in his head. The fights start because I don’t give him this time. Yes, I’m acknowledging that I suck at this and am working on controlling my urge to resolve everything now. However, when I have given him his time and space, and basically left the ball in his court by saying “ok. I see you need some time. Why don’t you come back to me when you’re ready to talk” he doesn’t return the ball by coming back. Ever. The issue is basically forgotten, swept under the rug, disappears. Except it is still there.
Issue 2: This is the one thing we keep getting lost in the cycle because of, and it really is just that a cycle. The one thing I want to communicate with him about is how in the last fight (that was started because I wanted to talk about the fight before that) he calls me a few choice names and then compares me to all the other women in his life and not in a good way. Example: “Why are you being such a b****? Maybe I like talking with GirlFriend X because she is nicer (or more caring, or more understanding, etc.) than you are”. Or, “Its fine that GirlFriend Y sends me pictures of boobs (not hers). We’re just friends, nothing is going on between us, and maybe it would be nice if you sent me picutres of boobs” (note: this happened once a while ago, and he actually did text her back later to let her know that it really wasn’t appropriate to be sending him those kinds of pictures.)
Then I get pissed. Really pissed. Seriously! You are 40! Arghh!
Yes, I understand that this is a cycle, and if I just let it go the cycle would stop. But, for some reason I can’t.
No, I am not looking to leave him. Our relationship is really wonderful except when I decide to bring this crap up. I am looking for helpful, constructive advice, on how to better communicate with him about this. Please help me either better communicate, or just let this go.
Thank you, Bees!!