(Closed) Please Help Us Settle These 2 Disputes That Might Ruin Our Relationship

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Please Pick The Best TWO options (1 out of the first 2, 1 out of the second 2).
    A should help with a small percentage of the chores : (200 votes)
    34 %
    B should do everything to help out at home until B gets a job; then it's 50/50 again : (85 votes)
    15 %
    A agreed to the dog and should help out by taking the dog out : (167 votes)
    29 %
    B needs to get up on the weekends and take the dog out : (128 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    4006 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m just going to address the second issue – the dog. It doesn’t matter who originally wanted the dog. There is now a dog and you are BOTH responsible for taking care of that dog. Forcing the dog to hold it, or going in the house on pads, is NOT a good plan. You have the dog. Take care of the dog. Put on a pair of yoga pants and walk to the corner and back. You are just punishing the puppy and setting up a world of trouble in regards to house breaking the puppy and keeping it accident free. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I asked my husband what he thinks. He said that if Spouse B is actively looking for a job then Spouse B shouldn’t have to do ALL the chores, but may 80/20 or 90/10 split since he does have more free time.

    As far as the dog, he said that if Spouse B was the one who really wanted to the dog then Spouse B should get up and take care of it. This is coming from a man that desperately wants a dog and knows that when he gets one he’ll definitely have to be the primary caretaker, even though I will agree to having the dog and may even surprise him with it if the time is right. I can actually really relate on that one. 

    My opinion is that I agree with my husband about the chores, and I think that a schedule needs to be written up between the two of you about the dog. You both have to try hard to train the dog, and I think you should write up a schedule. It was a little unclear about whether Spouse A is walking the dog weekday mornings AND weekend mornings, in which case Spouse B should take weekend if Spouse A is doing all the weekday mornings. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1022 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I think A should still help with some small chores. And I think A and B should take the dog out on weekends…one on Saturday, one on Sunday. 

    EDIT: Because I don’t think it is fair to have one person take care of the chores 100%. Folding laundry or putting away the dishes takes 10 minutes, it is a nice gesture, and you should want to help out your spouse. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    12955 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think it’s entirely unfair to put all chores on one person,  You dirty the clothes, you should wash them.  Same with dishes, etc.  It doesn’t matter if he’s unemployed, you shouldn’t expect him to do every chore.  Gender makes no difference to me, by the way. 

    As for the dog, I think he needs to get up more on the weekends to help out, but you also agreed to the dog when you bought it, so you have to accept the responsibility. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    9074 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I agree with @Glasgowbound. If you own a dog, you both own a dog. It’s petty to go, “Well you wanted the dog, you take care of it!” It’s a life and it depends on you. Both of you need equal responsibilities with the animal. If it you cannot deal with that, find the dog a new home. Don’t pound it, rehome it. As simple as that. Lives cannot be shoved off on one person or another. Either you’re in it all the way or you’re not in it at all. Don’t punish the dog because you can’t agree who should do what chore.

    As for the chores, I am a stay at home wife. My husband is in the Navy and works full time and deploys. I take care of all of the chores. Sometimes if I am lucky he will help me, but for the most part he does not do chores anymore. I wish he would help sometimes (Especially with the dishes), but it’s something I keep to myself. If someone is the breadwinner outside the home, the other person needs to tend to the home entirely.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6344 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    As far as the chores goes, I think that A should help out, depending on what B does with their day. I am currently job hunting, and while, to be fair, I do have 2 part-time jobs, and am studying full-time, plus planning a wedding (so it feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day as it is), I’m finding job-hunting extremely time-consuming; and I’m not really actively looking (as I have two jobs so am not ‘desperate’, I would just quite like a different job). My point being that job-hunting can be stressful and time-consuming, so being unemployed does not necessairly = sitting around all day doing nothing. Also, I think that some things are common courtesy eg putting your dirty dishes in the dish-washer, not next to it, or making your own breakfast/lunch, putting your laundry in the laundry basket, and hanging/folding clean laundry, etc. Ie there’s no need to create unnecessary extra work for the other person, as these small things take seconds.

    Aa far as the dog goes, I personally believe that if a couple chooses to get a pet, they should share responsibility. For me, the fact A bought it because B wanted it is irrelevant; A still bought it and in doing so, agreed to take on the huge responsibility that that brings with it. To suggest otherwise to me is to suggest that whoever wanted children most should have 100% of responsibilty for the children.

    HOWEVER, if B is unemployed, I see zero reason why they cannot take the dog out at weekends. If this means getting up early, tough; in wanting a dog, they chose to accept that responsibility. A should not be sacrificng their weekend lie-in if they’re working all week to walk a dog that B wanted in the first-place, plus B gets a lie-in every other day of the week. However, I see no reason why anyone needs to get up mega early; it should be possible to come up with a routine that works for both A and B as well as the dog eg taking the dog out late at night (if A and B don’t have a garden), then taking it a little later in the morning rather than first thing.

    Post # 10
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    A & B should split the chores and dog care in some way, no matter what. It may not always work out 50/50, but NOBODY should be doing 100% of the chores or dog care. It’s not fair, no matter who is working full-time. Having those sorts of expectation just build resentment…it is completely unfair that A should have no chores. I’m sure B doesn’t enjoy being unemployed…so saying they should do all the chores is like an extra punishment. Chores should only feel that way to a child! Haha. You are both adults, and should both want to take care of your HOME! 

    I was doing 90% of the housework, and probably 75% of the child care in our home for quite a while…while Fiance was employed, and still after he became unemployed. I have been working part-time throught all of this. I was mad at him about it all the time. Every single day. If I asked him nicely or got snippy with him, it didn’t make a difference. 

    We finally sat down and made a chore list…things that need to be done each day, twice a week, 3 times, etc…it has made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. He actually did more than me the forst week…partly b/c (I’ll admit it) I wanted himto see what it’s like to not have help!

    Maybe that will help…write down what needs to be done…schedule it by the day, and figure out who can do what better!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1074 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @Glasgowbound:  Amen.

    Dogs are not “gifts” to be given. They are 15 year commitments that you make as a family.

     

    What is B doing in the house all day? Yeah, A works all day, but is A working any harder than when B had a job? If not, It’s not fair to push it all on B becuase B might be job hunting. If B is not job hunting, B better start.

    A shouldn’t feel so resentful.

    B shouldn’t be so lazy.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1399 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    We spent about a year of our relationship with me working two jobs (about 50 hours a week, plus planning and grading), and him going to university part time and working freelance. He did the bulk of the household things during that time, but I still helped out. I don’t think it’s ever nice for everything to fall on one person.

    As for the dog… I think if B really has sleeping problems, A should suck it up and take the dog out, especially since A bought the dog.

    Post # 14
    Member
    12249 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I voted that the unemployed spouse does the houeswork! If they’re home anyway… Why not make life easier for your partner?

    As for the dog, I think whoever wakes up earlier should just let the dog out! It’s kind of awful that no one’s letting it out until after it has an accident on weekend mornings!

    The topic ‘Please Help Us Settle These 2 Disputes That Might Ruin Our Relationship’ is closed to new replies.

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