(Closed) Please help; Waiting for 6 years…

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Would YOU break up with him?

    Yes

    No

    Would consider a break

  • Post # 2
    Member
    9436 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I waited 7 years for a proposal and in your position I’d be done (we started dating much younger and had concrete reasons for not getting engaged sooner). He isn’t giving you any clear, concrete reason the relationship isn’t moving forward. He’s had more than enough time to make this happen and it’s clearly not a priority to him.

    I don’t believe in taking breaks. So I would end it completely and start looking for someone for whom marriage is also a priority.

    Post # 3
    Member
    244 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    These waiting threads always confuse me.  My boyfriend and I had “the discussion” about marriage about 1.5 years into our relationship.  I said I was ready, the very next day he went out and bought a ring and a week later we were engaged.  I didn’t have to set a time line, I didn’t have to nag, I didn’t have to explain to him wy this is important to me.  I don’t think it should have to be a fight to get married, you should want to.  And I get that there are legitimate reasons to postpone but there doesn’t seem to be any in most situations.  My advice is always the same, find someone who is just as excited at the prospect of marrying you as you are about them.

    Post # 4
    Member
    42 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    My experience – if a man wants to marry you he will find a way. There are no excuses about timing or finances or all the other myriad of reasons given on these threads. If you are ok with not being married and everything else in the relationship is good then stay. If not, leave. You will hear plenty more excuses in order to maintain the status quo so take a look at actions and not words. Best of luck with the decision making process.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7268 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    The fact that he thinks you’re “just whining” when you bring this up makes me think you haven’t really had a direct, come to Jesus talk with him yet about how serious this is for you. Look, this is not about your friends who got engaged in much shorter timelines than you. This is about what you want in your own relationship–what you want for your future, for your life.

    You need to tell your boyfriend how very unhappy this situation has made you. You’re not whining. Whining is what you do when you want coffee ice cream and all they have is vanilla lol. No, you’re not whining – you’re questioning whether to leave the relationship over his lack of commitment. He needs to understand how serious this is, and the only way he’s going to get the picture is if you lay it out for him in very clear terms.

    Post # 6
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    Here are my two cents. He is too comfortable and taking you for granted. Not to say his reasons for not wanting to become officially engaged aren’t valid. He should only marry when he is ready. But to say you’re whining is just rude. If he communicated better with you, you could be happy knowing where this is or isn’t going.

    You have a lot invested here. I personally wouldn’t give up completely just yet. But, I would seriously give up on marrying this guy anytime soon. Instead, entertain the idea that you deserve someone that is excited to be with you. Spend your free time investing in you, not him. Disconnect emotionally for a bit and make yourself happy. Get used to the idea of life without him. Go places without him. Stop always being his old faithful. Who knows? You might meet someone awesome that is excited about you in a way you deserve. Also, he might change his tune if he no longer hears yours and gets worried.

    Take some time for you. If you restore the self esteem you likely lost through all this, and focus on that rather than marriage, you will be much better off. Maybe it will happen with him, maybe it won’t. Hold out for what you truly deserve. And have a great night. 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

    If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times.

    Buy him a ring and propose. If you want a clear response from him, ask a clear question. Will you Marry me?

    Post # 8
    Member
    1017 posts
    Bumble bee

    At 33 and 6 years into a relationship, your boyfriend does not want to marry you.  He comfortable enough to stay with you but men in their 30’s who want to get married, DO. My husband and I met in our 30’s and he was very clear about wanting to marry me and the general timeline which that would happen- and then he followed through.  

     

    Ball is in your court.  If you desire marriage, break up and don’t get stuck in a long-term live-in relationship with a man who isn’t dying to marry you.  If you are ok with the status quo, stay, but don’t expect to ever get engaged or married.  And for goodness sake, don’t get pregnant because that won’t make him want to marry you either.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    I don’t think there is enough information to definitely say yes break up with him, but the fact that you are both in your 30s and been together for 6 years is alarming. Did you have a very open conversation? Does he understand how it is important to you and why? If the answers are yes – is he providing any legit reasons for not moving forward? If no, I would consider break up. But definitely talk again before moving forward, make sure he clearly know that this is very serious for you. I’ve brought up wanting to be married 2 years into relationship and we were engaged six month after (I did nag him though a few time in that timeframe:). 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    My opinion – end it now. My ex-fiance just ended things two weeks ago, and we were together for 6.5 years. He finally proposed in June, but before that he had the same excuses – can’t save enough, everything had to be perfect, yet he says he wants to marry me and have kids. I was pressuring him so bad after our 6 year anniversary. Come to find out, he felt pressured and doesn’t know if he wants to get married ever. He bought a ring, proposed three months ago, and then he tells me now that he only proposed because he thought that it would “make things better” in our relationship when I did not see anything wrong.

    From my experience, it looks like he is dragging his feet and is not entirely sure if he wants to commit to you. It is such a hard thing to hear. My fiance and I were talking about buying a house together (we lived together for 2 years with his parents), and he seemed really into the wedding planning. Now that I look back, there were so many signs that he just is not ready. Everything had to be “perfect” and we had to have “enough money” and all of this crap. We made a great living together, money was not a problem at all and it should never be a problem. 6 years is SO long to invest in someone. In the end, it is your choice to let it go and maybe accept that he won’t ever propose, or end it and find someone that wants what you want!

    I really wish you the best of happiness.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2045 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    As other bees have stated in past threads, why wait for him to propose?  Why don’t you do it?  At the very least you will get your answer.

    Why are you letting someone else decide your future?  Why did you agree to play wifey without the legal benefit of that exact commitment?  You took away your leverage and now he has no reason to marry you.  Why haven’t you had an adult conversation regarding the future of your relationship?  One where he doesn’t get to blow you of with “someday” and where you both agreee to specific timelines along with stated consequences that you absolutely enforce.  

    Seriously, “someday we’ll get married” should = “No I don’t want to marry you” as far as you’re concerned. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    661 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t believe in breaks. He should know after 6 years, especially at his age, whether or not he wants to marry you. When you are really tired of waiting, and wasting your time, you will move on. If he wanted to propose, he would have by now.

    Post # 13
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee

    MrsChatham :  I don’t believe in breaks. He should know after 6 years, especially at his age, whether or not he wants to marry you. When you are really tired of waiting, and wasting your time, you will move on. If he wanted to propose, he would have by now.

    Im just reposting this because I couldnt agree more. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want to break up, but doesnt want to get married. You need to decide. If marriage is important to you, pick a different guy. If you want this guy, give up marriage.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7262 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Another vote for you to move on (or at least begin to practice living like you’re heading in that direction). It’s hard to just break up after 6 years together and it can be scary to contemplate starting all over again, so if I were you, I would start now- making plans and building a life that doesn’t involve him. Have you been putting off traveling or any other things that you were interested in while you’ve been with him? Start doing those things. In the process of playing housewife with him, have you been faking or hiding any other aspects of yourself? Take those off the shelf and dust them off. Get back to being just yourself rather than you in a relationship with him.

    Now is a great time to reassess your life and reinvigorate yourself. As a PP said, why are you letting HIM choose your future? He sounds like he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t want to get married (or doesn’t want to marry you) but rather than just saying it, he’s willing to have an uncomfortable conversation every few months with you and then ignore it otherwise.

    Since he moved into your place, you can put him out. Give yourself whatever amount of time you choose- 4, 5, 6 months and just start doing your life and gradually separating from him and then, if he’s still yanking your chain at the end of that time, give him his one month notice to get out and then you move on.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4431 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    So I was in a very similar boat as you re: almost your age and seriousness and the amount of time we were together before he proposed was 6 years and 8 months, who’s counting right??

    and while I can’t speak to your exact situation I can say that my DH always made it clear to me that he wanted to marry me we just did everything backwards, bought two dogs & a house and then got engaged and married. It was definitely unconventional but I really would not have done those things if I wasn’t 100% sure it was going to happen soon after. 

    I will say this, if you have any doubt in your mind there is a reason. That is the one difference between your position and what mine was at the time where I was getting antsy, not to say I didn’t get annoyed, frustrated, angry etc. but I always KNEW it would happen and he made that clear to me. You seem like you’ve basically given up hope. And you feel like he’s bullshitting you. If that is truly how you feel I think you feel that way for a reason and you have a gut instinct that he’s just not wanting to marry you. 

    I would put a mental timeline/walk date on it (however long you can stand it–if I were you I would give it a couple weeks) if nothing happens by that time then you know you need to move on, however painful it might be. Waiting is worse. 

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