(Closed) Please help! Wedding in a few weeks and I'm feeling unsure about FI

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

this sounds like a serious issue. i would seriously try to get in touch with a couples counselor for an emergency appointment (i definitely you need to see someone at least once before the wedding). It sounds like you both need to change, but like you said, its hard to change something you’ve been doing so long so quickly.

i hope it all works out for you! it stinks that you have to go through this..

Post # 4
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow this is a tough one. You need to learn to argue without yelling but you are stepping up to change it, obviously it’s the wrong way to communicate. I think it’s most likely he is reacting to the feedback he got from his brother and best man. BUT he could have a little case of cold feet and has found something ( yelling) to back up his feelings. it’s hard to say because I could not handle being with a yeller nor would I put up with it so I think its a legitimate problem. Have a heart to heart with him, ask him if the way things have been lately reflect his feelings toward you or is it that he’s having a little freakout because the wedding is so close. It all comes down to appropriate communication, so talk to him.

Post # 5
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

O no, I’m so sorry to hear this. First, no need to apologize for posting this. It’s what we are here for. 

On the one hand, given the time frame and the background of you and Fiance, I’m inclined to think that this is a case of cold feet. But on the other, they are what I feel serious issues that need to be worked through before you get married. I’m not quite as concerned about the locker issue (unless you truly felt that there was some element that was on purpose), because it seems like that was a genuine mistake and then someone in a state of fighting that has not yet been totally resolved reacting (he felt bad but was almost bitter that he felt bad so he took a while to apologize)…

But about the first issue, it sounds serious and I really don’t think you can go into this wedding without feeling that you are both 100% commited. Neither me nor Fiance are huge yellers, but I also think that’s just how some people fight, and I think it’s great that you are going to work on it with him because he acknowledged that it bothers him. But you’re right, you won’t know if you have changed in a month. I’d suggest counseling…but first I’d suggest working with the vendors where you have made deposits to see if you could postpone the wedding to a later date with only forfeiting some of the money. 

I’m going to keep checking in on this thread, but again just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ((Hugs))

Post # 6
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry you are going through this.

Yelling is not ok. I know you know this, but if an argument is getting to the point of yelling at someone that is verging on abuse in my opinion.

He also needs to understand that this will be a process for you, and needs to can the whole passive agressive thing (like the slamming of your fingers- it seems like maybe he meant to do that?). 

Counselling would be beneficial for you both. I also think it might be good for you to go on your own too- to work on strategies to communicate more effectively and to control anger.

I truly wish you well, and hope you can both get to a more positive place. 

Post # 7
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wish I could offer advice, but with such a huge change and in such a frame of time– I don’t know. I’m trying to think what I would be like if my Fiance started all this tonight, and I can’t imagine. On the one hand, I might think it would be cold feet and on the other I would be worried about whether it would get worse.

I think you need to seek a couples counciller immediately. There really isn’t any other way to solve it. I agree with PP and yourself that yelling is not an effective communication strategy, but at the same time, if you are actively working to stop the behaviour he needs to be actively supporting you. More like “Thank you for being calm” or small reminders.

Also, the passive-aggressive attitude and silent treatment is not going to improve things.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 8
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi there

 

Im sorry that four weeks before you wedding that your feeling unsure, this is suppose to the most important time of your life but its filled with stress. I think its normally for people to argue and have cold feet before the big day ( if not then my relationship is in trouble lol), but the thing that im reading from your mail is there is lack of communicaiton here, he says you says etc, if he is given you a ultumation at this stage then you need to speak to some and fast, speak to your parents, even though they are paying for you wedding, your still their little girl, speak to your mum, get support instead of going through this alone, I dont like the idea that he spoke to others before speaking to you, but that cant be helped now, but do you Love him , really love him to go through with a marriage with someone who is demanding that you change four weeks before your wedding, your wedding is one day, think if the rest of your life hun, you need to make a time for you both to sit down and really talk, ask him if he wants to go through with it and tell him to he honest with you.

Post # 9
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@tinagreena:   I think this man really, really loves you.  He’s giving you respect by bluntly and clearly telling you that he will not live his life being subjected to your verbal abuse. 

First of all you need to show him some proof of how you sincerely intend to come to grips with this problem.  You’ve already admitted you have an anger problem.  It may stem from your upbringing, were your parents yellers? 

Do you realize how deeply cruel words can cut someone?  And you can’t just take them back when you calm down and expect him to forget about it.  After you’ve unleashed your anger – you may feel better – but think how he’s felt all this time.  And he’s held it in out of love for you.

He hasn’t gone behind your back to betray you or cheat on your or find another woman.  He talked to people who love him and have his best interest at heart.  If you want to keep this man in your life, and he sounds like a good one from your description, then make an appointment with an anger management counselor TODAY to prove to him you intend to change your destructive behavior. 

I honestly don’t blame your Fiance for what he said to you, I personally despise being yelled at or snapped at.  Anger is no excuse!  It’s disrespectful.  Everyone gets angry but not everyone yells or uses words to hurt those they love.  You will feel anger all your life, but you can change your behavior and learn to deal with it in a healthy and unhurtful way.

I wish you all the best.

Post # 10
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry you are going through this so close you your wedding.

First, I don’t think he is wrong in his feelings – you can be angry and express emotion when arguing without yelling.  Taking a cool down period before it escalates to that point is really important and you need to make a conscious effort to do that during every fight if you are a person who gets to yelling very quickly.

sSecond, I think both of your emotions are really heightened right now with it being so close to the wedding.  The fact that you guys had a fight so close to the day doesn’t help with what I think is a pretty common “cold feet” feelingn that many experience so close to the big day.  I think everyone has a little bit of doubt leading up to their wedding.

I’d try and sit down with a counselor (together) to work out osome of these issues asap though.  Also, maybe you can see a counselor alone to work on your anger management issues – that way he can’t dispute that you aren’t trying to change things?

I think you two just need a good heart to heart (without yelling) to confirm to each other that you love each other and want this to work and are willing to do whatever it takes

 

good luck!

Post # 11
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

 

Not quite the same, but I had a roommate/BFF for many years that fought the way you do, or at least sounds like from your description. Lots of anger, yelling, and hurtful words. After fights, apologies would eventually come, but I never could forget the sting of her tongue.

 
I lived with this for years without really confronting it. On the few occasions I tried, I was met with more yelling and anger. Is it possible that he has gone so long without expressing his feelings because he was afraid how you might respond? Emotional conflict and abuse in one’s life can be extremely difficult to overcome. With this friend of mine, I never got the nerve to confront her – once I moved out, I withdrew and eventually walked away from our friendship completely. Granted, I didn’t have the investment that you do with a fiancé, but be thankful he’s opened up to you. He’s hurting too and isn’t going about this perfectly, but he’s probably not really sure what to do and is scared and frustrated with your wedding date being so close. But be glad that he DID open up, rather than run, and give him time to work out his feelings.
 
Other than that, I complete agree with what Sunfire has said. You really need to take some drastic steps to curb your anger (or at least how you handle it) and show him you’re taking his concerns very seriously.

Post # 12
Member
4431 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Sunfire:  I have to 1,000 % agree on this! I love how you worded it!

Post # 13
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BellaDee:  Smile  Thanks for the compliment!

Post # 14
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I totally understand. I’m a Yeller too and I try to control it and sometimes I manage to not yell but most of the times I can’t help it. But usually find that I only really yell when the other person has said or done something nasty to me. And I also tend to yell when the other person has said something patronising. In my opinion if you are both arguing a lot then it’s possible that both of you may have to take responsibility for the arguments. Whether you yell or not this is not the major issue in the first place. Why are you arguing everytime? And if one of you has accidentally hurt the other one an apology should come immediately rather than 10 minutes later. 

Work on avoiding arguments first and foremost and then whilst having a row (let’s face it they cant be avoided all the time) try not to raise your voice but put your point across. 

Post # 15
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You know, it sounds like the pending wedding has put both of you on edge, but this is not a bad thing, since things are coming out now that needed to be said.  Men aren’t always the best at bringing up issues, and you’re totally right that he should have brought it up earlier.  The important thing is that he brought it up though, so now you know and you can work on it. And you will! You’re right these things don’t happen overnight, but that’s ok.  You’re trying, and that’s the first step.

I highly recommend you read the book, “Feeling good together”… I’m not a yeller, but I am a stonewaller, and this book REALLY helped me learn to fight better.  It actually changed my life!  Look it up on amazon. It has amazing reviews.

Post # 16
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Seek counsling, maybe both of you are getting cold feet. He may not know how to handle it.

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