- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
First off let me say I’m sorry this is so long and that I never thought I’d be posting something like this…especailly since my fiance is overall a great person. I never thought I would feel this way, but due to recent events I’m really starting to freak out about getting married! I’ve been with my Fiance for 3 years & it’s a typcial relationship with many ups, some downs and a few big fights here and there. We had a fight last week that didnt seem like any other fight with the convo finally ending with a “I’m sorry, I love you” from him.
The next day I worked all day & when I was done I called him expecting things fairly normal. Instead he was very cold & distant and said we needed to talk. He feels that we have been fighting too much and that he cant handle being together if I don’t change my approach at fighting (I’m a yeller). He said he has felt this way for the past year and that he talked to him brother & best friend and bascially told them everything I have done wrong in our relationship in order to have some advice. He told me all of this in a very harsh, rude, unforgiving way. As soon as I said 5 words to him (a bit heated but in no way yelling, loud or even mean) he stands up says “I’m leaving, you need to cool down. call me later”. He has promised almost to a fault that he would never leave when angry…ever (even when I have asked him so I can cool down). But here he was, walking out of my house in a fury at the first sign of me saying anything to him. About 30 mins later he changed his mind came back & we ended up talking for 8 hours…1 hour of that with me hyperventilating & crying (which I NEVER EVER do…I’m not a crier at all) because I felt so alone. The convo bascially went that he would not stay with me if I didnt stop yelling at him when we fight…at all, no excuses. I agree and still agree that I need to work on how I fight with him and I whole heartedly will improve on it because I know I can come across tough on him at times.
My problem now is that first off he said he’s felt this way for a year but he waiting until 1 month before our wedding to tell me any of this…at all. He threatened to leave me & call off the wedding if things didnt change…but I feel how are we even going to know in 1 month. I dont have enough time to work on it & prove to him I can change how I’ve been my whole 27 years of life in 1 month! I dont even know myself yet if I can change fully. (I would just post pone things but my parents are paying for the wedding & it’s already paid for 3/4 of the way and they arent weathly people who can just throw money around…I feel horrible at putting other innocent ppl like my parents into a situation like this). My other issue is that he told 2 people that I really liked seeing from his side and now I feel completely exposed & awkward around them. Also, my fiance has always been 1000% sure about us…I mean constitantly confirming that he would never consider leaving. That if we did end things he would not be able to go on….he would fight to win me back….he would do anything to be with me….etc, etc. Now after 1 stupid, fairly small fight he suddenly isn’t sure and said things like “I dont want to accept it, but if you dont want to be together I guess I will have to move on” I think I’m still in shock about some of his cold words. Plus it’s been a week since this whole ‘talk’ and although we’ve had good moments a lot have just felt different in how he acts toward me. Not as loving or sweet….just okay.
I feel every emotion there possibly is right now….sad that I hurt someone I love by yelling at him during fights, angry that he never told me anything until now, confused at how he could go from 1000% to cold in 1 day, irritated that he told his brother & best friend and now my relationships with them have changed (I understand that he needed someone to talk to but he always said our fights are private dont tell them to anyone, etc. And then without even telling me a single word about how he felt he went straight to them first), happy that we still have a chance to work on things but freaked out that it’s only 1 month to the wedding. And also upset that I now have the potential of walking down the isle with a heavy heart & doubts since the wounds are still so fresh rather then having time to heal first.
Lastly (again I’m really sorry for how long this post it) we had a small vacation day today at a local waterpark and 1 of our friends came along too. I felt my Fiance was not making much effort to hang out with me or talk to me but I was also glad that he wasnt making our friend feel like a 3rd wheel…although I almost felt like the left out one. So we are getting stuff out of our code protected locker and my Fiance asks me to end the rental so I’m reading how to disable it which is written inside the locker’s back wall….it said hold door open and press & hold ‘end rental’ button which I read outloud to my Fiance. I’m standing there propping the door, pressing the button and he just says “maybe you need to shut the door” and without warning slams the locker shut onto my fingers. I wanted to scream at him to pay attention… but I didnt, I said the whole stubbed toe kind of words “ouch, damn that hurt” thing, and then said “really? you need to be more careful” and walked away. We of chorse all met up 10 seconds later and went to get food…silently. I waited thinking he’d step up to check on me…but he mumbled a quick “are you okay” and when I said “it hurts but Im fine”, that was it. About 30 minutes later he said “sorry that I slammed your fingers”. I told him it was fine but he needs to pay attention because it was careless. He immediately gets onto this tangent of how I was over reacting & freaking out and it was unacceptable, telling me that I dont know what compassion is…and basically storming around. Of chorse I get defensive telling him ‘I barely said anything and I wont live my life walking on egg shells’. So we ignore each other (which isnt in his character to be kindof “whatever” about hurting me or anything so again it’s cold for him). A bit later we make up, kindof laugh about how stupid it was and move on.
So now I am lost because I understand I have to stop yelling at him & all, but at the same time he cant expect me to never have an emotion or feeling of anger ever again. I feel like he expects me to do a 180 overnight (which I pretty much have when it come to yelling…his intial problem), but he tells me he hasnt seen any effort which is definitely not true. I just feel like I’m losing the man I fell in love with and getting a cold, easily annoyed person. But at the same time it’s only been a week since this started so I dont know if it’s cold feet, what his brother & best friend said to him coming out of him so it’s not really him, a temperary problem that will self correct, or a much bigger problem of a new man. I dont know….any advice or thoughts??