Please help! What do I do?!

posted 3 months ago in Guests
  • poll: Would you let him come to the wedding?
    Yes : (1 votes)
    1 %
    No : (74 votes)
    97 %
    Other - explain : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 31
    6624 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2050

    soontobenoone :  

    • No
    • FUCK no
    • Fuck NO

    Glad to hear dad took care of it. Auntie has balls, that’s for sure. When your son is a convicted wife-murderer, you need to get used to him not being invited to things.

    Post # 32
    373 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

    Sounds like everything is all set. But you say that they’re all super forgiving with family and that’s why they let the whole murder thing slide…

    Are you not family? Is your offense not less severe than murder? I think you’ll still be invited to Christmas.

    Post # 33
    1697 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I’ll be the outlier here. it is completely fair to say not first cousins except this one reasonable exception. It is also reasonable for the 70 year old to want a driver. So, you can say no to the uncle on the basis of the 1st cousin rule if that is the reason. But, that is not your reasoning for saying no or you would not have given the whole back story. You are looking for support and justification for your refusal because it is not based on your no first cousin rule.

    You want to say no because he killed his wife decades ago, for which he served decades in a high-security prison. He’s been out 3-4 years. Has he killed anyone since being out? Threatened anyone? Been violent or violated his parole? Has he in any way indicated that you are “his” next victim? No? Then, you are being unreasonable and judgmental. He served his time and that was his debt to society. He may never make it right with HER family, but HIS should be more forgiving.  Nobody will ever be reformed if they made a pariah for the rest of their life after serving their time…it is a huge element of recidivism. What he did was wrong, but you are also wrong here.

    If you want to exclude him, then do so. Your family, your choice. But, you get to take no morale high ground for doing so. 


    Post # 35
    1697 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    soontobenoone :  Fair enough. We have to agree to disagree. I’m not trying to be argumentative, so please read this in a nice tone, ok? But, your logic does not work. If you say “no” on the basis of the celebration being about love and happiness and forever, then you are establishing a morale standard that is arbitrary unless applied uniformly. Are you really prepared to apply that to every guest? Bitter divorcees? People who cheated on spouses? Sealed juvenile records for violent crimes? Drug crime convictions? White collar crime bilking little old ladies out of life savings? It gets to be a very slippery slope. Again, your family – your choice. You don’t really need a justification or to seek support for one. If that is your position, then stand strong.

    But, I was faced with a very similar decision for my wedding and the crime committed would be considered worse by many. I refused to have the family member come using very much the same logic you have articulated. It is my one regret about my wedding. I made the wrong decision for the wrong reasons. That family member committed suicide about a year after my wedding. I know the reasons were much larger and complex for her action…but my decision to exclude her was another link, even if a tiny one, in the chain of persecution and judgment that made her feel suicide was the only answer.  

    Post # 37
    3031 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    It’s great that your father stood up for you so you didn’t have to navigate this situation. My family is really close, too, and generally, when people come to town, they stay with family. I told my mother (who lives with me) that her parents could not stay at my house when they flew out for the wedding. My grandmother can be a very difficult person (about everything) and I wanted my wedding (and the lead up to it) to be peaceful, pleasurable and about me, not my grandmother’s perpetual discontent with life. My mother seemed a little offended and was like “Are you seriously saying that your grandparents aren’t welcome to stay in your home?” But I pointed out that they had traveled, in the last three years, to two other weddings of grandchildren and they never expected to stay with either the bride or the groom. My mother chilled out after that. It’s helpful to have clear guidelines (even if only for yourself) that explain your boundaries because then it’s harder for people to try to disagree with them and it makes it easier for you to stick with them.

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