(Closed) Please help – what would you do? Baby vs Career?

posted 6 years ago in Career
Post # 3
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

To me, the best solution sounds like having a baby in Toronto. It isn’t an ideal solution, but I think it addresses the most important needs. Maybe you and Fiance need to sit down and make a list of what you want an prioritize it. Like make the list, and then put a number next to each item. You can’t always have it all. It might look something like: 

1. Start a family

2. Have good jobs/stable career

3. Move back to Australia


Or maybe you’ll discuss it and it will really look something like:

1. Move to Australia

2. Start a family

3. Move back home


I just feel like both moving back AND starting a family at the same time is fulfilling all of your needs but not your FI’s, especially if it is difficult to get a job in Australia.

Babies don’t need much room. I’m not even a baby person, don’t know if I want kids, but what I do know is if you want them – don’t delay. The baby will fit into your life one way or another, no matter where you live. You don’t have unlimited time to have a baby. You do have unlimited time to move home or make career moves. So I’d put that at the top. JMO.

Post # 4
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@FauxBoho:  this seems like an easy answer to me; have the baby in Toronto. That is waht I would do! I totally agree with the PP above

Post # 5
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

What about having the baby in Toronto then moving to Australia a year or two later?

Post # 6
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@FauxBoho:  I also vote have the baby in Toronto. Your hesitation is that you don’t have your family/the support system, but if you move to Australia, you’ll still be very far away and will rebuilding the support system (if I read correctly).

It sounds like you have been in Toronto for more than a year, you haven’t found anyone to connect with? I’m sure that if you do decide to have a child while there, there are a lot of support groups around (like meetup.com) where you can meet people with similar interests. 

Having a baby now will not impede your ability to move in the future, but waiting to move to have the baby could reduce your ability.

Post # 9
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i agree with the rest of the posters so far. if you were 25 my advice would be TOTALLY different. but you are 33 and the 30s are a time where reproductive potential is changing fast for women.

 I would get married in May/June like you have planned, and have the baby in Toronto. You could even start trying to conceive  a few months before your wedding, like in March because even if you got preg right away, you wouldn’t be showing at ~12 weeks.

of course it is far more ideal to be closer to family. But especially if you might want to stay home, and if your Fiance is financially secure, it probably wouldn’t matter THAT much to be so far away (besides the emotional fact that they wouldn’t be around for support!). My working mom friends are the ones I see struggling most and needing their families the most, but I know stay at home moms who are very far from their fams and seem to be able to manage it better. if a Stay-At-Home Mom, you’ll probably join mommy groups, etc and find friends who are in the same situation.

Post # 10
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m not telling you what to do, but you asked what we would do. I would have the baby in Toronto if I was as worried as you seem to be about getting pregnant.

You said you have lived in Toronto for 3 years. Surely you have made friends in that period of time who could be your support system? If not, time to start. You have at least 9 months.

I know you are living thousands of miles from home from home and that is different from my experience, so my experience does not compare to yours. In my first marriage my ex-husband was transferred every 12 months so I never lived close to family- his or mine. There are women all over the world who deliver and raise children without family nearby- just look at military wives for an example.

Post # 12
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’d have the baby in Canada and then set a timeline for moving home. You have a one year maternity leave in Canada, right? I’d start positioning yourself for an eventual move now but have the baby somewhere in that timeline. 

I feel for you. We are the same age and my fiance and I are trying to figure out the baby thing right now. It’s looking like we might start trying in 2014 right before I turn 35, and becasue of our ages & how long it took for me to complete my education (JD/MBA), I think we are only in a position to have 1 baby. 

Post # 13
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@FauxBoho:  If he really will easily get a great job back home, and he wants to go but is just scared of giving up this opportunity – then go! I think I was confused because you said there wouldn’t be many jobs in your field, but I realized you are talking about different areas, right?

If both of your ultimate goal is to live in Australia, then I’d say you should go back. But be prepared that Fiance might not feel comfortable starting trying for a baby if he doesn’t have good work locked in yet or is still the new guy at the office. My experience is guys like to feel like they are stable and can provide before having a baby.

Post # 14
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d also have the baby in Toronto.  I know that it sucks, I’m planning to move away from my family to start my life in a place I want to live and I will be leaving my support system at a time where I’m planning to get married and have babies.  But, I think it’s the best option for you.  Perhaps you can move into a 2bdrm apt in the meantime, especially if FI’s promotion means a raise.  You’ll skype a lot with your family and hopefully when you have a 2nd child, you’ll be back home. 

Post # 15
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

it sounds like your fi has a great opportunity in toronto.  i would offer that to him and start your family in toronto.  in a few years, you can move back to austrailia.  perhaps before your child starts school.

you need to do what is best for both of you.

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