Post # 1
My finance and I hve been together for 6 years, we are highschool sweethearts and love eah other more than anything. He proposed to me in September last year with my dream ring, a beautiful pear shaped diamond ring with a halo set in rose gold. I was so so so so so excited, I couldnt wait to start wedding planning! I spent the last few weeks of my uni degree browsing venues and vendors when I was supposed to be studying (don’t worry I still passed everything!).
Que the engagement party that was held in May this year. It was an absolute disaster with his family acting completely inappropraite and getting waaaaaayyyy too drunk (destroying property, exposing genitals, tipping drinks over people, food fighting) and my family blowing up and yelling at them for being so rude. This has caused my fiance and I to fight quite badly! He is supporting his family saying they were just having fun and that my family owes them and apology. And I am supporting my family saying that his family was acting completely innappropriate by….. number one acting the way they did at an engagement party and number two acting the way they did in someone elses home.
There was so much that went wrong on the evening that I could go on forever but I wont. Basically now neither family is talking and I feel like all of my plans for a wonderful family orientated wedding are ruined and I just want to elope with my fiance and get married in the Greek Isles. We have already booked our venue and paid most of the $15,000 off though 🙁
My mum rang up my fiance and apologised to him for anything she had done wrong, but his family just sent me crappy texts after my fiance asked them to. I feel like I will always come last behind his family! He told me to get over it and accept the apology and move on.
His parents have said some pretty nasty stuff about my family and about me since the party and im finding it hard to move on. His twin sister has been particularly volotile throughout all of this. She wrote a massive letter tearing my family apart and finished it by saying that my finace needs to “start thinking about who he associates with and how that affects the family”. She was meant to be one of my bridesmaids but she has done some pretty nasty things to me time and time again and I just cant take it anymore!
It was my birthday last week and rather than send me a txt she and her Boyfriend or Best Friend just posted on my wall “Happy Birthday!”. I would rather they siad nothing at all!! I would never do that I would just send some generic text saying “happy birthday I hope you have a wonderful day! X”
My finace and I were planning on going to NZ in August. I had spoken to him about dates and he agreed but then his sister rang him and said that she was having a house warming party that weekend. My Finace immediately disregarded our plans to be at her party. My finace agrees that his sister has taken things too far and that I have every reason to be upset and hurt but he doesn’t say anything to her? He asked me to send her a text to break the ice but why is that my responsability?
I feel miserable. I feel that I have no support. I feel like my feeling should be the most important to him before anyone elses including his family. If I’m upset or hurt by something I feel like it is his responsability to stand up for me and protect me?
Is this silly? Do I expect too much? i though that that was the role of a husband.
I just need advice. I dont know how to deal with how nasty his family has been. I dont know how to forgive and move on. I don’t know how to let his sister continue to my bridesmaid even though she has hurt me time and time again. I am so depressed I feel like my wedding is ruined and I’m not excited about planning it at all because I dont know what to do!
Please Help Me
Post # 2
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I feel very fortunate that my Future In-Laws are all pretty great, though I had a similar issue with Future Sister-In-Law who is very spoiled – I felt that if anything ever happened and Fiance had to choose between her and I, I didn’t stand a chance. After a big blowout I said as much to Fiance. I felt horrible saying anything to him because he adores his sister even though she was really treating him poorly at the time. He was shocked that I even thought that, though, and quick to assure me that I was wrong on that count.
It sounds like all these issues stem from a single event. Maybe your families need to spend more time together and get a better chance to know one another. Was that the first time the two families had met? Do you think that maybe things could be mended a little if there was another get-together, like maybe have the families all come together for a nice dinner, or, since it’s summer, a casual cookout? Hopefully the more they get to know each other, the better they can get along.
Post # 3
I agree with PP. as counterproductive as it might seem, having more family events (limit alcohol) might help the two sides get to know each other more.
We live in a technical generation. posting HBD on a wall isn’t rude, it’s almost to be expected.
Post # 4
sammyjean91: dont put any more $$ down until you can get aligned With fi
and i’d be so so so tempted to video the next wedding related party they get rip roaringly drunk at and upload the thing on YouTube.
If they are just having fun, that shouldn’t be a proble, right?
Post # 5
sammyjean91: So your fiance absolutely should be backing you up if you’re not being unreasonable and I would totally be upset if we had an engagement party and his family acted like that.
Here’s the thing– you being upset about her posting “happy birthday” on Facebook and thinking that’s somehow super rude makes me think you might have really high expectations. I don’t think either of my FSILs have ever even done that much. They’ve never acknowledged my birthday at all. Who cares? Being pissed they opted for one form of communication over another seems super petty to me, so I imagine this extends to other things and you might not be able to see that you are nitpicking. I now wonder if you were casually discussing dates for your vacation, had a few that worked but settled on one for no particular reason, so when his sister’s housewarming was set he figured you could just do your vacation a different weekend. That’s reasonable but you’re seeing it as a huge problem of him putting his family before you.
I would take a step back and think about what exactly is bothering you here. Maybe I’m reading into it wrong, but maybe you’re being too sensitive.
Post # 6
MexiPino: I guess I’m upset about the birthday thing because that isnt like her. She is the type of person that is so exhuberabt and over the top and she always sends me a message wishing me a big happy birthday. I know she only sent that lack lustre post because she had to and I would have just rathered she didn’t.
I know I am definitely being over sensative about it but it is very hard not to be when she is meant to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and a friends but instead she takes every opportunity to tear me down.
Post # 7
bitsybee: I wish there was vidoe footage! The whole family thinks it was harmless fun but some guests were completely mortified by what was going on and Fiance family doesn’t think there was anything wrong with the way they acted!
Post # 8
mmaru: These issues have stemed from a long 6 year period and I think the behaviour at the engagement party was the straw that broke the camels back. Fiance and I have tried for years to get them to enjoy each others company but I think we have only made it worse.
Getting them together is not an option! each side feels like they don’t need to apologise and that the other owes them an apology.
I don’t know what to do. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of my wedding now because I am so worried about them simply getting along and everyone actually enjoying themselves!
Post # 9
Why do your families need to be friends anyway? It should have no bearing on how your wedding will go or how your future lives together will be. You can absolutely separate the two and live wonderfully in peace.
We spend as little time as possible with both of our daughter’s IL’s, because mainly we are world’s apart in many ways. That doesn’t mean there are hard feelings or any major personality clashes over everything, but because we really are quite different and the only things we have in common are our children (who happen to be married). I guess having two families really merge as one can be pretty difficult, but it really isn’t even necessary, though you might want it to be.
Continue on with your planning and try not to let any of it throw a kink in the works. Its really over and done with now and time to move forward and hope that adults can act like adults when your wedding rolls around.
Post # 10
I don’t care if your two sides are friends as much as I care that your fiance clearly doesn’t know his family was inappropriate. He is supporting his family instead of future wife.
I see this as a huge red flag.
But, what do I know. I wouldn’t continue planning until your fiance treats your like his wife, because if this is how he treats you now, it won’t change when you say “I do”.
Post # 11
doglover89: I agree–this is a red flag. My Fiance would be furious with his family if they treated me poorly.
I just can’t believe there were people showing their junk at your engagement party and they think it’s okay!! I mean, yes, I have gotten really drunk plenty of times in my life, but I still kept my vajayjay behind closed doors. This is absolutely ridiculous, it’s a family event, not a frat party!
I’m actually really mad about this for you. I don’t have any other advice….except maybe you should try acting a fool the next time FI’s family has something serious going on (Grandma’s 90th birthday, a baptism, whatever) and tell him, “Oh, I was just having fun!”
Post # 12
Your Fiance should back you 100%, not downplay how his twin sister is treating you and expecting you to extend the olive branch to his family and sister when you have done nothing wrong!!!
You need to sit him down and convey to him how you feel he is dismissing your concerns regarding how his family acted at your engagement party and how they have treated you and your family. He needs to realise that now, & especially once you are legally married – YOU are his number 1 – Not his parents or siblings.
Post # 13
sammyjean91: I’d be much more concerned about how your Fiance treats you, than how his family acted. Actually, I wouldn’t marry him, nevermind putting up with the ILs.
Post # 14
There are quite a few issues I see in here, but the very first thing I notice is that you are super focused on the wedding part of this and not necessarily the marriage part. You describe your dream ring in detail and say how excited you were to start planning…but no mention of “I’m excited to start my life with my fiance!” And now your families have butted heads and you and your fiance are butting heads. That’s the “real life” hitting you right in the face. I get it, it’s very exciting to plan a party, but you need to really think this through. You are stuck with your in laws for life. It sounds like your fiance isn’t at all affected by their behavior at your engagement party. I don’t blame you, personally I would be pretty ticked off at that. It’s not that his parents need to be all buddy buddy with your parents, but it sounds like his family just acts like that when drunk. That’s something that doesn’t go away. Not to mention how his family is bashing your family and he’s not backing you up? Not ok.
Pay close attention to his actions here. He is choosing his sister’s housewarming party over a trip to New Zealand with you. He is asking that you let something go that you found incredibly offensive. He isn’t putting you first. He isn’t treating you like a future husband should. He should be paying close attention to how you are feeling and how his family is treating you. But he’s not. That most definitely isn’t someone you want to commit your life to just yet.
I’ll leave you with this: I have a friend whose husband’s family is pretty horrible. They talk down to her, they disowned her husband more than once, they act superior, and like your fiance’s family they get really horrible when drunk. When my friend and her husband were visiting over the holidays a few years back (the family is in the south, my friend and her husband are in the Midwest), her husband’s mom started berating her constantly for no reason. Every little thing caused an argument to the point of my friend crying. Finally after a day of this, her husband confronted his whole family and told them that if their behavior didn’t improve, they were going to pack up and leave early. Sure enough they did. They packed up their bags and flew home 4 days earlier than anticipated. My friend wants a relationship with her in laws but they make it so difficult that she will never have the relationship she’s looking for with them. Her husband ALWAYS has her back. He ALWAYS puts his family in their place if he has to. He ALWAYS is supportive.
You don’t have that with your fiance. He doesn’t support you, he doesn’t have your back, and it doesn’t sound like he will ever stand up to his family if they are treating you poorly. That’s not how it should be. I would think long and hard about if you want to be dealing with that for the rest of your life. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t want to deal with that crap.
Post # 15
sammyjean91: I had something slightly similar…this is my story.. When I met my now Fiance his sister I got along very well. I met his cousins and everything in a very short time bc his was in the military and leaving soon(April 2014) Eventually she heard untrue gossip about me that was common sense from who’s mouth it came from to even believe( I felt like she was looking for something not to like me june2014) at this point she didn’t like me.when he came back home(sept2014) she didn’t welcome him and didn’t even acknow ledge I was even in the room. I planned on having a welcome home party for him (oct 2014) and their were specific plans I had and everyone knew the game plan.. Her and the cousin tried their hardest to be difficult and ruin it. Evenutally my Fiance spoke up and let her have it(nov2014) …. It didn’t end well they screened at each other name called said that I was just a booty call ..nothing was accomplished. I knew it hurt him to not have his sister and them be on bad terms even though she didn’t like me I left the ball in her court… I invited her to thanksgiving she didn’t come. I invited her to Christmas and bought a gift she did not come and no thank you. His aunt died (jan 2015) and they finally they talked out their differences I still never got a sorry but we are on great terms and I intend on her being a bridesmaid.. Keep your head up and ur Fiance needs to stand up for you