(Closed) PLEASE I NEED ADVICE I'M SO DOWN!!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I feel very fortunate that my Future In-Laws are all pretty great, though I had a similar issue with Future Sister-In-Law who is very spoiled – I felt that if anything ever happened and Fiance had to choose between her and I, I didn’t stand a chance.  After a big blowout I said as much to Fiance.  I felt horrible saying anything to him because he adores his sister even though she was really treating him poorly at the time.  He was shocked that I even thought that, though, and quick to assure me that I was wrong on that count.

It sounds like all these issues stem from a single event.  Maybe your families need to spend more time together and get a better chance to know one another.  Was that the first time the two families had met?  Do you think that maybe things could be mended a little if there was another get-together, like maybe have the families all come together for a nice dinner, or, since it’s summer, a casual cookout?  Hopefully the more they get to know each other, the better they can get along. 

Post # 3
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I agree with PP. as counterproductive as it might seem, having more family events (limit alcohol) might help the two sides get to know each other more. 

We live in a technical generation. posting HBD on a wall isn’t rude, it’s almost to be expected. 

Post # 4
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sammyjean91: dont put any more $$ down until you can get aligned With fi 

and i’d be so so so tempted to video the next wedding related party they get rip roaringly drunk at and upload the thing on YouTube. 

If they are just having fun, that shouldn’t be a proble, right?

Post # 5
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

sammyjean91:  So your fiance absolutely should be backing you up if you’re not being unreasonable and I would totally be upset if we had an engagement party and his family acted like that. 

Here’s the thing– you being upset about her posting “happy birthday” on Facebook and thinking that’s somehow super rude makes me think you might have really high expectations. I don’t think either of my FSILs have ever even done that much. They’ve never acknowledged my birthday at all. Who cares? Being pissed they opted for one form of communication over another seems super petty to me, so I imagine this extends to other things and you might not be able to see that you are nitpicking. I now wonder if you were casually discussing dates for your vacation, had a few that worked but settled on one for no particular reason, so when his sister’s housewarming was set he figured you could just do your vacation a different weekend. That’s reasonable but you’re seeing it as a huge problem of him putting his family before you.

I would take a step back and think about what exactly is bothering you here. Maybe I’m reading into it wrong, but maybe you’re being too sensitive. 

Post # 9
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

Why do your families need to be friends anyway? It should have no bearing on how your wedding will go or how your future lives together will be. You can absolutely separate the two and live wonderfully in peace.

We spend as little time as possible with both of our daughter’s IL’s, because mainly we are world’s apart in many ways. That doesn’t mean there are hard feelings or any major personality clashes over everything, but because we really are quite different and the only things we have in common are our children (who happen to be married). I guess having two families really merge as one can be pretty difficult, but it really isn’t even necessary, though you might want it to be.

Continue on with your planning and try not to let any of it throw a kink in the works. Its really over and done with now and time to move forward and hope that adults can act like adults when your wedding rolls around.

Post # 10
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t care if your two sides are friends as much as I care that your fiance clearly doesn’t know his family was inappropriate.  He is supporting his family instead of future wife.

I see this as a huge red flag.

But, what do I know.  I wouldn’t continue planning until your fiance treats your like his wife, because if this is how he treats you now, it won’t change when you say “I do”.

Post # 11
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

doglover89:  I agree–this is a red flag. My Fiance would be furious with his family if they treated me poorly. 

I just can’t believe there were people showing their junk at your engagement party and they think it’s okay!! I mean, yes, I have gotten really drunk plenty of times in my life, but I still kept my vajayjay behind closed doors. This is absolutely ridiculous, it’s a family event, not a frat party! 

I’m actually really mad about this for you. I don’t have any other advice….except maybe you should try acting a fool the next time FI’s family has something serious going on (Grandma’s 90th birthday, a baptism, whatever) and tell him, “Oh, I was just having fun!” 

Post # 12
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Your Fiance should back you 100%, not downplay how his twin sister is treating you and expecting you to extend the olive branch to his family and sister when you have done nothing wrong!!!

You need to sit him down and convey to him how you feel he is dismissing your concerns regarding how his family acted at your engagement party and how they have treated you and your family. He needs to realise that now, & especially once you are legally married – YOU are his number 1 – Not his parents or siblings. 

Post # 13
Member
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sammyjean91:  I’d be much more concerned about how your Fiance treats you, than how his family acted. Actually, I wouldn’t marry him, nevermind putting up with the ILs.

Post # 14
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

There are quite a few issues I see in here, but the very first thing I notice is that you are super focused on the wedding part of this and not necessarily the marriage part.  You describe your dream ring in detail and say how excited you were to start planning…but no mention of “I’m excited to start my life with my fiance!”  And now your families have butted heads and you and your fiance are butting heads.  That’s the “real life” hitting you right in the face.  I get it, it’s very exciting to plan a party, but you need to really think this through.  You are stuck with your in laws for life.  It sounds like your fiance isn’t at all affected by their behavior at your engagement party.  I don’t blame you, personally I would be pretty ticked off at that.  It’s not that his parents need to be all buddy buddy with your parents, but it sounds like his family just acts like that when drunk.  That’s something that doesn’t go away.  Not to mention how his family is bashing your family and he’s not backing you up?  Not ok.

Pay close attention to his actions here.  He is choosing his sister’s housewarming party over a trip to New Zealand with you.  He is asking that you let something go that you found incredibly offensive.  He isn’t putting you first.  He isn’t treating you like a future husband should.  He should be paying close attention to how you are feeling and how his family is treating you.  But he’s not.  That most definitely isn’t someone you want to commit your life to just yet.

I’ll leave you with this: I have a friend whose husband’s family is pretty horrible.  They talk down to her, they disowned her husband more than once, they act superior, and like your fiance’s family they get really horrible when drunk.  When my friend and her husband were visiting over the holidays a few years back (the family is in the south, my friend and her husband are in the Midwest), her husband’s mom started berating her constantly for no reason.  Every little thing caused an argument to the point of my friend crying.  Finally after a day of this, her husband confronted his whole family and told them that if their behavior didn’t improve, they were going to pack up and leave early.  Sure enough they did.  They packed up their bags and flew home 4 days earlier than anticipated.  My friend wants a relationship with her in laws but they make it so difficult that she will never have the relationship she’s looking for with them.  Her husband ALWAYS has her back.  He ALWAYS puts his family in their place if he has to.  He ALWAYS is supportive.

You don’t have that with your fiance.  He doesn’t support you, he doesn’t have your back, and it doesn’t sound like he will ever stand up to his family if they are treating you poorly.  That’s not how it should be.  I would think long and hard about if you want to be dealing with that for the rest of your life.  Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t want to deal with that crap.

Post # 15
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sammyjean91:  I had something slightly similar…this is my story.. When I met my now Fiance his sister I got along very well. I met his cousins and everything in a very short time bc his was in the military and leaving soon(April 2014) Eventually she heard untrue gossip about me that was common sense from who’s mouth it came from to even believe( I felt like she was looking for something not to like me june2014) at this point she didn’t like me.when he came back home(sept2014) she didn’t welcome him and didn’t even acknow ledge I was even in the room. I planned on having a welcome home party for him (oct 2014) and their were specific plans I had and everyone knew the game plan.. Her and the cousin tried their hardest to be difficult and ruin it. Evenutally my Fiance spoke up and let her have it(nov2014) …. It didn’t end well they screened at each other name called  said that I was just a booty call ..nothing was accomplished. I knew it hurt him to not have his sister and them be on bad terms even though she didn’t like me I left the ball in her court… I invited her to thanksgiving she didn’t come. I invited her to Christmas and bought a gift she did not come and no thank you. His aunt died (jan 2015) and they finally they talked out their differences I still never got a sorry but we are on great terms and I intend on her being a bridesmaid.. Keep your head up and ur Fiance needs to stand up for you  

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