(Closed) Please.. I need some help :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 19
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I was in a very similar situation with my ex husband.  Trying to work on something (because I wasn’t strong enough to make a clean break) when I knew it was over really didn’t help either one of us.  In fact, it got a lot uglier before it got better and is still complicated (we have kids).  Maybe this is the sign you need to finally be able to move on.  Having been where I’ve been and seen what I’ve seen, I do not encourage people to give up and find something new the next day, but I am also a big believer in doing what’s right for your happiness and self worth.  First and foremost you need to be happy because living to make someone else happy is never the right thing for either of you.  And (correct me if I’m wrong here) you said you have been waiting for a proposal and you finally get it after your relationship has broken down and you’ve moved out?  Too little too late, IMO. 

Post # 20
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Some roses and texts don’t make up for years of a crappy relationship. His “change of heart” will not be permanent, he just wants what he can’t have. And honestly, it was a pretty dick move to propose to you because he figured the ring was his “ace card” and he could immediately get you back with it. He didn’t want to get married a week ago, he doesn’t really want to get married now.

It’s also telling that you’re struggling with “guilt” about your feelings of wanting to move on instead of being conflicted about loving him/wanting to get married. Your heart has already moved on, your brain just needs to catch up, so let it. Stop feeling guilty for doing nothing wrong and end the relationship once and for all. You’ve been miserable for ages- go live your life and be happy!

Post # 21
Member
46 posts
Newbee

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@Claire324:  Based on everything you’ve shared, you have been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and this proposal out of nowhere is so so common among abusers who will go to desperate measures to reel the person they are controlling back in. They will literally do whatever it takes, from threatening to kill themselves if the person leaves to proposing marriage in the middle of a fight. This sounds like an extremely toxic and volatile relationship. Please be careful. Chances are this will happen again and again. 

Post # 22
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@Claire324:  Have you forgotten that he physically abused you? And constantly emotionally abused you? Sure, he’s being sweet now because he HAS to be to get you back.. don’t think he won’t slip back into his normal mode once he thinks he has you back. I am sorry to say but I think you have made a mistake getting back with him. I think you will find that out soon enough 🙁 

Post # 23
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@DVhelp:  EXACTLY!!

Post # 24
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Please just break it clean off with your “boyfriend.” All these nice things he’s doing now… he’s only doing it to keep you around.  Don’t fall for his crap.  You shouldn’t feel guilty about that guy kissing you… someone FINALLY made you feel good! Does your boyfriend have that effect on you?  From your other posts he sounds toxic.  Just break it off clean with him before you get punched in the stomach again.

Post # 25
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You have gotten some really good advice already. You are not a terrible person and I know we are really only getting your side but unfortunately it doesnt sound like he treats you the best. Sometimes its easiest just to realize that in the right situation that person wont have you doubting yourself, won’t mock you when you are upset, and will bring out the best in you. This is not that situation. The other thing I think you should think about is the reason you told the other guy you were broken up even though you also said you were trying to work on things. You could have easily said you guys were doing good and changed the conversation. Not trying to guilt trip but just consider if there were reasons behind that response

Post # 27
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

Hey Girl… 

Please do not go back to him becuase if you did he will continute doing the same thing all over again. There is no promise that he is willing to propsal you. This is like a playing ground to him not even serious committement, compromise and communicate with you. So what is the point for going back to him after he treat you so badly and give you so much problems and make you unhappy? Give us a very good reason why do you want to go back to him? but remember it is your life…

This remind me of what exactly my ex did to me. I walked on him and I felt so good. I am still single and enjoy myself.. I have been single for 1 and half years. I am much happier no worries about relationship anymore. The walked made my ex realised what he have done and regret so big time. Best is to leave him and let him to realised how much he have done and he will lose you for good. My ex is constantly begging me and wants me back in his life and be in relationship with him. The fact is he is not stable. the truth is I have no feelings for him anymore. I only feel like him as friend nothing more than that. 

If he really want you so badly he have to work on himself to improve and proove you that he has change and will not treat you badly. If not then forget him. This is only a way to see how he goes….. 

I hope this helps. 

Post # 29
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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@Claire324:  You WILL find another man and I bet he will fit you even better!

My one ex spent 8 months “gaslighting” me about another girl with whom I KNEW something hinky was going on. I was so scared of letting go because I didn’t think I’d find someone who would love me. I did. A year and a half later and I found a man who surpasses my ex in EVERY SINGLE category you could think of (except being a douche I guess).

You will find a man who loves the same things as you. You will find a man who makes you laugh and who hurts when you hurt. Please believe that there are men out there who will never hurt you the way this man has.

Post # 30
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@Claire324:  

Will I ever meet another best friend who likes ALL of the things that I do in life? Travel, music, food, interests, exercise etc? Did anyone else find this again?”

You betcha you will. I sure did. I ended a 5 year relationship with someone who was totally wrong for me and felt all the doubt that you did. And then I met the current love of my life who LOVES alot of the things that i do; but more importantly, we get along and just love each other’s company.

….. I really think that he is super controlling. I spent time with him yesterday and when it came time for me to leave he got really upset, couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stay longer (It was two hours before a 9 hour shift and I needed to get ready and do some washing etc before I went). He was also upset that I’d spent some time while we were together on Facebook on my phone. But I’d also cooked him dinner and he’d hardly helped.”

Reading this paragraph really bugged me the most. And it’s the main reason I wanted to respond to this post. Yeah, he DOES sound very controlling, and needy and basically immature. He’s going to get mad over you being on facebook? Really? What, is he in freaken grade school? I check my facebook on my phone all the time while I’m hanging out with my boyfriend and he doesn’t give a crap. And I also wouldn’t care if he did the same. It’s Facebook for god sakes, everyone has one.

And then the whole getting mad about you wanting to leave after a long day at work..again this is just needy whiney controlling behaviour intended to guilt trip you. It sounds as if maybe he has gotten away with this type of controlling stuff for too long and frankly would be a massive turn off for me if my guy were like that. He sounds like he has some major growing up to do. Girlfriend, there are guys out there who are WAY more mature than your current guy who aren’t into all the emotional blackmail and control guilt tripping. And if his behavior goes unchecked, there’s a good chance it’s going to get worse and worse until you just can’t take it anymore.


Post # 31
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
@Claire324:  You need to let this relationship go. Threats of suicide and angsty texts are all just a manipulation tactic. Based on the fighting and the way you two can’t seem to stay good for any significant amount of time, it’s just not meant to be. You will find someone who not only shares your interests but who is compatible with you and does not try to control you. 

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