(Closed) Please. I need some help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Hi, muskie85.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with the situation.  My heart really goes out to you.

There were some recent discussions on WeddingBee about a situation like this, and I think you deserve the same advice.  In these posts, it was a woman who’s fiance was hiding his flirtations with a co-worker from her.  

 http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fiance-flirting-with-co-worker

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/followup-fiance-flirting-with-co-worker

I believe that your future wife would not be hiding the communication between herself and "Bob" if she didn’t in some way feel guilty about it.  You don’t hide things from your spouse unless you think you will be caught.  I also think that you deserve someone who respects and values your feelings.  It seems like your fiancee knows that communicating with Bob hurts you, and she’s doing it anyway, which is a huge red flag in any relationship.

I hope other bees on this board can help you, and i also hope you’ll keep us posted on how things turn out.  At the very least, it might help others in your situation.

Post # 4
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

muskie85: I’m going to be straight up honest with you (and with all the bees). but I have been in your future wife’s position. My hubby is in the navy, and during his first deployment (before we got engaged) I started talking with an old hs friend of mine. I hid my communication with this guy from my b/f and Things with this guy definitely ended up going too far. I confessed my mistake to my (at the time) b/f and thank God, he forgave me. But he, of course, demanded that I never speak to this guy again. Which I haven’t because I know how much I hurt my hubby at that time. I’m telling you this because, being on her side of this story, if she can’t be honest with you about what is going on with Bob, then there is definitely something wrong or inappropriate that she is hiding. If she is getting too emotionally attached to this guy, that means big trouble for your relationship with her. So talk to her NOW about it. Get it all out in the open and find out what this guy means to her. She will get defensive, of course, but try to talk to her calmly and in a loving manner. Just let her know that you have to talk about this because it is making you feel very uncomfortable and because you love her and that what she is doing is hurting you. If she still continues to talk to Bob and/or hide things from you about her communication with him, then be prepared to move on. If she really loves you, she will respect your wishes because she will put your heart and your feelings before Bob and her relationship with him. If she can’t respect you now, it’s not likely she will respect you later. I hope that by your telling her that what she is doing is hurting you, she will realize she is in the wrong and stop what she is doing. I hope and wish all the best for you! And I pray your future wife takes your heart and your love into consideration.

Post # 5
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I have to agree with scrapsolife. You should talk to your fiance about this now. As she said, do it in a very calm manner, and try not to be accusitory (is that even a word??). Just let her know that you’ve found out that she’s talking to him again, and it’s really hurting you that she went back on her word of keeping him out of her life. There is definitely something going on with her feelings wise if she can’t stay away from this guy, and you need to let her know that you know about it. Like scrapsolife said, if she loves you, she will be honest about everything, and you can get everything out in the open. If she continues to hide it…you will need to move on. Your marriage can’t start off with her hiding something from you. Communication is definitely the key to a successful marriage.

My heart goes out to you and hope that things turn out in your favor. Thank you for serving for our country and protecting our freedom!

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

An alternate interpretation to this story could be that she is not telling you about her relationship with Bob because she doesn’t want to have to deal with upsetting you. The last time her relationship with Bob became an issue between you two, you set down guidelines for acceptable communication. She may have felt like you were telling her who to be friends with and how to conduct her life, or like she has to answer to you, which might have hit her especially hard as you are in the military and I’m guessing maybe deployed much of the time?

So she remembers what happened the last time, and so this time she is trying to keep the situation under wraps because she doesn’t want you (from her perspective) to get bent out of shape about it. Of course that’s having exactly the opposite effect, because even if her relationship with this guy was as innocent as a newborn baby, by hiding it from you she casts a big veil of suspicion over it, rightfully so.

So another way to approach this situation might be to acnknowledge to her that you know she is back in frequent contact with Bob. Instead of asking her to explain herself (which might make her feel like she is getting grilled by an inquisitor, no matter how nicely you go about it, since defensiveness makes people touchy), I would ask conversationally "how is Bob today?" and "What kinds of things is he up to in his life?" Assume that you can trust her and ask these questions as a way of getting to know more about what is obviously an important relationship in her life.

She will open up to you gradually as she sees that you can discuss Bob without accusing her or demanding they curtail or stop their relationship (at least not right off the bat). If you make demands like that right away it will just drive things further into secrecy. I know that’s what you want to do, but seeming as how you are in the military and probably away from home a lot there will be little impetus for her to stop what she probably sees as an innocent, harmless relationship and very much reason to just hide it better.

As she opens up to you naturally you will get a much better idea of what her feelings are for him and if you have cause for concern. By treating her as though you trust her and value this part of her life, she in turn will show whether she can be trusted. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Although it might seem like the last thing you want to do, I just really believe that responding with love and interest instead of suspicion and commands to stop contact with this person will ultimately serve your relationship better. Communication is key, but it has to be the right kind of communication. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Post # 7
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I can tell you one thing, if a person calls their significant other "stupid" and other bad names they have no respect for their SO. I believe that having respect for one another is very important in a relationship. I suggest that you definitely talk to her and explain how the way she is treating you and how you feel about it.

Good luck!

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