Post # 1
This is going to sound bad but it’s not as bad as I’m making it…I’m just irrationally worrying about this.
Here’s what’s going on: My bf doesn’t go out all that often so I’ve been encouraging him to go out and see his friends, especially recently because I was so busy with exams and then I went home for the week to see my family. I didn’t want him to be all hermity, so I told him to have some fun while I was gone. So he went out with his friend. His female friend. Just her at their regular bar (though people generally show up later). Who is also his ex girlfriend. Alone. I knew they were friends before we started dating, so I was okay with that. Sort of. But let me tell you a little about this girl.
This is the same girl I mentioned waaaay back (months ago) who made a snide remark when he changed his fb status to in a relationship with me because he never did that when he was dating her. She also cheats on her bf. Regularly. And today he just texted me saying he’s going out with her again. Again, alone.
I am very concerned about this. My bf is not the type of man to cheat, at all, he has never once given me a reason not to trust him. When his ex was texting him, he showed me the texts. When he goes out he texts about how he can’t wait to go home to be with me. He has never cheated on any of his past girlfriends. But I am very concerned she is going to try something and I don’t know how I feel about them going out alone together…with friends I wouldn’t have a problem with it…but alone…eh. Let’s just say her history is against her on this one, though her poor bf knows nothing about it. I want to say something, but he’s never given me a reason not to trust him so…
Post # 3
Yeah I wouldn’t be even a little bit ok with this. Known cheater, who doesn’t like you, alone with your guy = disrespect on so many levels.
Clearly your guy is a good one and is pretty much just doing what you told him to. Try to be calm about it, and when you get back, it’s time to set some groundrules. I have a really hard time believing that he doesn’t see how inappropriate this is.
Post # 4
I think if it bothers you you should talk to him about it. You don’t have to accuse or behave irrationally; explain it to him calmly and logically, the way you just wrote it out. It seems as though you have some reasonable and rational reasons for feeling the way you do. Whatever you decide, he should listen to your feelings and respect your wishes.
Post # 5
@bells219: I’m back now (I was gone last week), that’s what’s concerning me. Don’t get me wrong, just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’ve staked a claim on him all to myself and he can’t hang out with his friends…I want him to be social. But it’s unlike him to suddenly make plans like this, he usually makes them and tells me about them a couple days in advance. And again, it’s just with her…but like I said, he’s never ever given me a reason not to trust him so I feel like I should trust him…I dunno.
Edit: Like I said, if he was hanging out with his group and she was there, no problems. But it’s just them together…he says more people always show up later, but something just feels ick about them making plans just the two of them with any kind of regularity…
Post # 6
Well, that’s kind of what I’m getting at. I know you want to be talked down from being anxious, but in the context of my relationship, what he is doing is called a date. One guy, one girl, especially who used to date eachother. And I don’t go on dates with anyone other than Fiance. Fi doesn’t go on dates with anyone other than me.
I suppose if it were a coworker that needed advice, or them going out to lunch together, that would be one thing, but this seems different. You just need to talk to him… preferably before anxiety gets the best of you and you lose the ability to remain calm.
Post # 7
He just texted me and asked if I wanted to go :). That’s a good sign right? Though I have no intention of going because I don’t like that bar or her and I have work early tomorrow and they’re going out at 10…
Post # 8
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then fine, either tell him you don’t want him hanging out with her alone or go with him and hang out with the two of them.
If you’re asking whether this is a RATIONAL fear, well that’s different–and in the end, it doesn’t matter. But FWIW, I honestly believe that you DON’T trust your Boyfriend or Best Friend completely or that he’s getting something out of this friendship (which might be totally innocent, by the way) that you are picking up on that has some relationship to an insecurity within your relationship. If it’s bothering you, then its roots are somewhere in the weak spots of your relationship or within something that he’s needing emotionally and not getting anywhere else (including you). I’m sorry if that’s sorta harsh, but it’s never JUST the ex-gf, no matter how much of a cheater, a flirt, a stunner or whatever she is–it ALWAYS takes two to tango and you’re probably picking up on something that’s your BF’s reason for maintaining the relationship.
I say this because my Darling Husband, early in our relationship, had a weird ‘close friendship’ with another girl he worked with. He never cheated and she had her own bf but I never really liked it. Later, I found out he DID have a small crush on her and while he would never have acted on it, the crush itself pointed at the fact that there were things he was getting out of his relationship with her that he wasn’t getting from me–ie, my discomfort really had to do with weaknesses in our relationship, not really the other woman.
Post # 9
It’s good he asked you if you wanted to go, but I would just never be comfortable with Darling Husband hanging out with an ex alone, especially one who had made snotty comments about me and was a known cheater!
Post # 10
@Dizbee: In my world, yes, that’s an excellent sign. And even better that you don’t want to go. Now he feels trusted.
If it were me, I’d have to fight the urge to go just to spite her. But that’s why I argue far too much with my FI- I’m irrationally jealous and he is completely trustworthy 🙂
Edit: Wait… they’re not going out until 10?! Is that normal for you guys? Because I kind of firmly believe that nothing good happens at the bar after midnight. Sorry, I’m probably not helping. But I don’t think you’re being irrational.
Post # 11
I had a situation similar to this a few months ago, and I agree, it’s hard to rationalize the anxiety with the trust you have in him. I really wanted to be the cool girlfriend and show him I trusted him by not caring…but I did. I cared, a lot.
The thought of it just made me so uncomfortable, and I hesitated to set those rules and boundaries because I didn’t want to send the message that I didn’t trust him.
I got over my reluctance (and bad habit of always wanting to please everyone) by thinking about it in terms of respect. Something in the situation is making you uncomfortable, and he should respect you enough to avoid situations that would cause you hurt or anxiety. He can’t know where that line is for you unless you tell him, and I didn’t even know myself so our talk was also about exploring and defining boundaries.
For example, my situation was that he wanted to meet an ex every Tuesday night for after work drinks. I decided I was not comfortable with how frequent that was and that alcohol was involved. So my boundary was it’s ok to meet ex’s but not on a weekly basis and not to drink together. Different people have different boundaries, and the point is to figure out where yours are and let your SO know so that he can respect them.
Post # 12
It’s okay to feel non-accepting of this relationship. Just be honest with him. Sometimes I feel petty about something but I own up to it and talk to him and usually he starts to understand and it’s not an issue anymore!
Sometimes we give things more power than they really have.
Post # 13
@adage: agree! I would definitely let him know how you feel. You seem really level headed about it, and I think the way you wrote it here is pretty much the best approach – you don’t mind it in a group, but given her track record, you don’t want a situation to arise where something could happen when the two of them are alone
Post # 14
I definitely know how you feel and I think it’s a pretty normal reaction. Best thing you can do is talk to him. It’s an awkward conversation to start, but it’s extremely important to communicate how you feel. Guys can be umm, somewhat dense and need us to state exactly how we feel and what we want.
My SO sounds similar to yours. Sweet, kind, caring and would never ever cheat. My SO and his ex weren’t really friends when we met and started dating. He told me he had no desire to pick up a friendship with her. Fast foward 9 months…he got a teaching job and posted it on his Facebook page and his ex comments saying cool, she refs volleyball at the same school sometimes and he should come see her.
I leave the situation alone as he didn’t comment back. One night, I get a text from him and then a few minutes later a similiar text. He sends one back to me saying sorry he meant to send it to his ex. I was PISSED. Why was he texting her about seeing her during a game? I stewed on it for a few days and decided to say something about it.
When I felt in control enough to talk to him, I explained that I didn’t know this girl and I thought he had no desire to be friends with her. She was engaged/married (I’m not sure which) and had told him before we met that she couldn’t be friends with him because her Boyfriend or Best Friend (FI/DH now?) was kind of jealous and she didn’t want to start any problems. So I told him because I didn’t know her and anything about her intentions, I didn’t feel comfortable with them meeting up.
His reaction surprised me. He said he had responded with her because he didn’t want to be rude. He said he still didn’t want to be friends with her but thought she would take the hint when he told her every single time that he was busy. He said he understood why I was upset and was going to tell her straight up they couldn’t hang out.
So a conversation would be totally worth it. Do it when you’re in a calm, relaxed state of mind.
Post # 15
So we watched a movie and he ended up falling asleep on the couch by 9:00…lol. I fell asleep soon after because I’m still getting used to my new work schedule. When we woke up the next day she had sent him a nasty text :(. Now part of me feels bad that he slept through his plans with her…and the other part of me doesn’t feel bad whatsoever :D. I did end up talking with him and he promised to make it a group thing from now on.
Post # 16
@Dizbee: Haha! I’m glad he flaked on her. But I’m a vengeful b*tch. 🙂 Good that you guys talked about it, and super good that he invited you along prior to you having to have that conversation.
Now the hard part, you have to go with him at some point and make her like you. It’ll make swallowing his friendship with her easier.