- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I know this is a novel, but I could really use your help and that requires some back story…
My fiancÃ© and I went to high school together but didnâ€™t really get to know each other until we worked together for two summers in a row. I quickly became friends with him and his two sisters, who also both worked with us. His older sister (letâ€™s call her Lisa) and I really connected and got along great! I spent time with all three of them outside of work and often hung out at their house watching movies with them and sometimes their parents even joined in. At this time my fiancÃ© and I were only friends and both his sisters and parents thought I was great! I had no idea I was going to develop stronger feelings for him and I also had no idea he liked me as more than a friend until he told me!
Once our summer job had ended and he went off to university we kept in touch and when he told me he was coming home for Thanksgiving I was so excited to see him! We both admitted to each other that we liked one another. He was the first and only guy Iâ€™ve been with and I was his first girlfriend (first kissâ€¦ first everything). I was so happy that we both liked each other and that his family and I got along so great! Things were wonderful! As soon as we admitted to each other how we felt, the next task was to tell everyone else and make it officialâ€¦ we didnâ€™t want to sneak around for a secondâ€¦ we wanted to be straight up with his family about us right away. I was nervous as to how his older sister (List) was going to take it. I had no idea how she was going to react!
Well, Lisa was pretty upset because she felt betrayed. She felt as if her brother chose a girl over his own sister and her friend chose a boy over their friendship. Instead of being happy for her brother and friend because they were happy she made it all about her. She convinced herself that we were sneaking around behind her back and that I was only friends with her to get to her brother which couldn’t have been further from the truth. I was friends with her, and her sister, and her brother and just because my friendship unexpectedly turned into something more with her brother didn’t mean that I was using her. Lisa also believed that I wouldn’t be hanging out with her anymore and that if I did it would be so I could get closer to her brother which was also incorrect. Lisa’s selfishness and jealousy got the best of her and she ended up manipulating her parents into believe the worst about me.
My fiancÃ©â€™s parents barely knew me and they never even gave me a chance from the start. Lisa turned everyone who was friends with me at work against me (as she was the manager at the time) and everyone began spreading gossip about me that wasn’t true. I would be lying next to my fiancÃ© as he got phone calls saying I was just spotted whoring around with numerous guys. There were even false rumours going around (probably started by Lisa herself) saying I was spreading rumours about her (that she is a lesbian and other bullshit like that)! I’m sure this was all part of her plan to keep me away from her brother.
It was like overnight I was made into this evil villain who was out to destroy their family. Lisa even had the nerve to tell my fiancÃ© that I don’t love him and that me wanting to be with him is all part of my master plan to tear their family apart (implying that I am psycho and have no life whatsoever)! As if that wasn’t hurtful enough, his mother demanded that he never speaks to me and threatened him by saying that if he so much as contacts me he’ll be on the street! My fiancÃ© is a grownup and his parents threatening him didn’t solve a thing… instead it made things worse!
Less than two months into our relationship my fiancÃ© and I staged a breakup and ended up sneaking around so his family wouldnâ€™t interfere anymore (it was getting pretty bad… there were rumours going around that I was pregnant and it wasnâ€™t my fiancÃ©â€™s baby, etc.) He was away at school and not living at home so it made it easy to hide our relationship from his family. Even though we were so happy together and my family and friends all knew we were a couple I didnâ€™t like lying one bit!
I never wanted him to keep me a secret from his family. It made me feel horrible and my parents didn’t like it either. I’m a smart, attractive, and caring person and I felt humiliated and demoralized every time he lied to his family about what he was doing/who he was with. I hated it!! I wanted to tell them myself so many times but my fiancÃ© reminded me it wasn’t my place and as much as it hurt I put up with it out of love for him. I didnâ€™t want to lose him. I told him the longer he kept his parents in the dark the more hurt they’d be and the more it would put a strain on our relationship. He only kept it a secret because he didn’t want to disappoint his family or lose them.
He regrets his actions and wishes he could gain his familyâ€™s trust back but he wasnâ€™t the only one who handled things wrong. He tried telling his mother and she didn’t want to hear it. She told him to never tell his sisters or father as it would break their heart. She told him to end things with me and that he shouldn’t have a problem with that because it wasn’t serious.
We ended up sneaking around for 2 and a half years. I am not sure if his parents clued in at all during that time but I think if they knew they didnâ€™t want to admit they knew because then it would be real. When he finally told him that we were together he didnâ€™t leave out the fact that we were also engaged (he proposed to me 9 months into our relationship and weâ€™ve had a pretty long engagement). His parents were more upset about the fact that he had lied to them than anything (which is what I told him would be the case) and I know until this day he regrets not telling them all sooner.
His parents are somewhat trying to make an effort but they are very stubborn and once theyâ€™ve made their mind up about something (or in this case someone) it isnâ€™t easy to change it. They have known about our relationship for about 8 months now and I am still not allowed at their house. His university graduation was a month after he told them and they didnâ€™t even sit with me. I wasnâ€™t allowed to put my name on any gifts to his family members for Christmas (even though his poor grandfather got me a gift and doesnâ€™t understand what is going on). They keep going on and on about how they need time to deal with all of this. I think they are starting to see they were wrong about me. They thought I would distract him from his schooling and bring down his grades but instead I helped him study and focus on his school work. They thought I was out to get their family but I haven’t attempted to wreck their family or destroy his parentsâ€™ marriage as his mom claimed. All I’ve ever done is supported and loved their son.
His sisters on the other hand may never come around. His younger sister told him that she used to think he was the smartest guy in the world and now she thinks he is â€œthe biggest f*ckinâ€™ idiotâ€ sheâ€™s ever met. She has said that I am dead to her and that she wants nothing to do with me or any future offspring. Lisa said she will not be at the wedding or any other event if I am nearby and that she feels sorry for him. My fiancÃ© has said that theyâ€™ve said a lot worse things about me but it upsets me too much to hear what they are. He tries to defend me all the time and tell them that they are wrong but it doesnâ€™t do any good.
Now here is the problem (as if that wasnâ€™t problematic enough!) All the while this is happening we have been planning our wedding. My family and friends are so excited for us and have been so supportive. My parents have helped pay for the wedding and weâ€™ve booked everything! I mean everything! I have my dress and everything is ready to goâ€¦ we are just waiting to send out the invites. Our wedding day is 8 months from now and my fiancÃ© still hasnâ€™t told his parents the date. He is starting to have doubts about the date and I think that is because of his family. He didnâ€™t think that once he told them about us that theyâ€™d even talk to himâ€¦ he thinks we are making progress and that it is just going to take time. He feels as if he will lose them for good and that there will be no chance for reconciliation if we throw a wedding in their face. He wants his parents at his wedding and he wants it to be a joyful event. I want this for him as well. As much as these people have hurt me I get that they are his family and I wouldnâ€™t want my family not to be at my wedding, but at the same time I feel like postponing it to give his family more time isnâ€™t fair to me. I am tired of making sacrifices. Why should I have to go backwards so we can all be on the same page? His parents should just catch up!
I told my fiancÃ© to talk to his parents about the date and to see how they react before he decides he wants to change it. He hasnâ€™t told them about the date yet, but ironically his mom started talking about weddings and our future to my fiancÃ© today. She said that she hopes that when we get married that we have the ceremony at the Catholic Church so we wonâ€™t upset his grandfather and other catholic relativesâ€”that his grandfather would be crushed if the wedding wasnâ€™t in the church. She also said that they will get an equal voice in plans and picking things and that she hopes we wonâ€™t spend more than $10,000 on it.
The conversation started with his mom discussing her cousinâ€™s daughterâ€™s wedding that is coming up in May and how her cousin (the mother of the bride) is saying the spending on the wedding is out of control. She went on to say that why not spend money on a nice ceremony or do like some people she knows where they take a small group and do a destination wedding ceremony and save all the extra money for a down-payment on a house or for rent for an apartment. His mom went on and on about this for a half hour. She said that she wish she could do it again and do the church thing still and skip the reception and bought their home sooner. Then she was talking about how bad the economy is and how she hopes that we wait before we get married so we can have money saved and our school loans paid off so we arenâ€™t arguing over debt. She said it wasnâ€™t as hard when she was getting married because the economy was better then, but with it being so bad she doesnâ€™t see how it is a good time to spend 15,000 to 20,000 dollars or more on a wedding because $20,000 is a down payment on a house.
Then she said that they would like to be involved just like my parents are and would want the time to get the funds and to also have time so they can afford to get dressed up for it too. She said that Lisa is starting to come around and would most likely attend because nothing has been going on so she is starting to warm up. The my fiancÃ© told me that his mother wants to be involved and agrees that we have all come along way and that we have managed to stay together and stay committed over the past three and a half years. She ended the conversation by saying that his grandfather is flexible but one thing is for certain that he has seen all of them grow up in the church and although they arenâ€™t as active that he would be devastated and hurt by the wedding not taking place in the church.
We have already booked a chapel and an officiant and decided to not have our wedding in the church. We have already paid for a lot of the wedding and have made our budget which is over $10,000â€¦ there isnâ€™t much left for his parents to be included in and they donâ€™t have the money to help out now so now we are in a predicament. I donâ€™t want to change our plans but I am worried that my fiancÃ© is going to try to please his family again. I am getting sick and tired over all of this (literally). I really need some advice 🙁