Post # 1
There has been an influx of young bride posts again on the Hive. I am a regular poster but feel going anon is better for this post. Some of these topics and questions have been specifically asking for advice, but others have been vents where people have felt interjecting their opinion on young marriage stats, their own young marriages and the like need, to be relayed.
So, from a 21 year old engaged bride to the Hive:
I don’t speak for everyone. There are people on here that truly are not ready to get married. And when they ask a question like that, please help them through it with your wisdom. But don’t stop at “young” as the reasoning. Go a little deeper and point out the specifics of the situation. While most of us are secure enough in our relationships not to care what others think, it gets a little tiring having to avoid entire posts because you’re sick of seeing viewpoints that consistently relay how the original poster was at that age, or how they think all young people are, but act as if there’s a minimal chance a young couple supports themselves.
From interacting with posters on the board, I can tell you that quite a few of our young brides-to-be support themselves. The ones that don’t often still made the decision to wait until they were done with school and had jobs. Many more have been dating for a long time, living together, and are in stable relationships with their significant others. I often see that these posters don’t like to bring up their age again and again, or post in the young bride threads.
I know that your mind, if it is made up, won’t change from this post. And I don’t expect it to, because the stats are true, and many young brides will get divorced. But I hope you all will stop to think about the posters who are responsible individuals in committed relationships. They are not you when you were that age, they are themselves. They’ll make mistakes, some similar to ones you made, and some completely different. This is a Public Service Announcement to stop and think a minute before you post something about “life experiences” – are you really listening to what the original poster said, or are you working off assumptions? If you have questions, ask them before making those assumptions.
And please, when you’re writing your responses consider that while most of us don’t ask for validation from the Hive regarding our relationships, it’s never fun for someone to see their age group cut down again and again.
Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
I think that threads like this unnecessarily fuel drama.
Post # 4
Thanks for this and I think you’re right.
My take on the passionate response to these threads is that it comes from some sort of maternal place. Like, “oh god, I’m so scared for you that you are making a big mistake, I’m trying to help you” or worse, “I’m hoping you don’t repeat the mistakes I made”. Very well-intentioned, but are never received that way.
I’m not a young bride, nor do I ever post on those threads, but I think this was a worthwhile thing to say 🙂
Post # 5
@Amaryllis: i would have to agree with you there. we have heard this same point many times, and like the op said, no ones mind is going to be changed so why post it?
Post # 6
@Amaryllis: I wrote it specifically because I saw it happen on multiple threads this week, and there were multiple posters who responded in this way. Threadjacking didn’t seem like a fair option, and private messaging seems a bit excessive when it’s not just one poster causing a problem. My intention is not to start drama, or call anyone out specifically. But I’d rather see the Hive as a place where, instead of intense moderation, we moderate ourselves by presenting our opposing views in a thought-out manner, and I felt this way the best way to do that.
Post # 7
@clarebrea: Causing a problem? Okay. Most of the times I see these threads, it’s usually seeking validation. If not, why ask someone on the net why you should or shouldn’t marry at a certain age and why it is or isn’t a good idea. IDK, it just seems somehow to ask that and not expect some impassioned kind of answers. If you want input on your decor or bouquet choices, that’s one thing. Anything to do with age or abortion or some kinds of politics etc brings out passion. Well, I do post in those threads. I am also one of those that see things that affects me that people are not that sensitive about but I have a high threshold for what affects me or not especially when it’s from strangers on the interwebs 🙂
Post # 8
@bRooklynRocks: I have to agree with you. If you are asking people on an internet board to help you make big life choices, then people are going to state their opinions on the age of the poster.
You know, it’s always going to be like this. Younger generations ask for advice, and those of us who have already been there will offer advice, but it will always come off as judgemental to the younger generation. Then when they actually live life and get to the second part of their 20’s, they will realize the advice given was mostly right. So then when they are 28 and a 21 year old is asking if she is too young to marry, they will offer their opinion which will probably be basically the same advice they got from older people when they were asking at 21. It’s a cycle we will always see. If people were confident with their choice, they wouldn’t feel the need to come on the internet and ask if it’s okay. I mean, I could see if it were, “Do you think having a colored wedding dress is okay?” or “Do you think not having bridesmaids is okay?”
Post # 9
TRUE!—>Then when they actually live life and get to the second part of their 20’s, they will realize the advice given was mostly right.
Post # 10
My post was not meant to refer to the “should I get married” posts – the number of posts that I’ve noticed this on have not been in reference to validation seeking posts, rather vents about associated problems, like vendors not taking them seriously, parents not being happy about the plans made, etc.
Post # 11
I agree. This behavior has really deterred me from reading the 20 something posts because they usually end up an age debate anyway.
@bRooklynRocks: That’s just not fair. Doesn’t everyone need validation sometimes? What about the waiting boards who come together to talk about their frustrations and how it is ok to feel the way they do? What about the encore brides who need reassurance that they’re just as validated in their desire for a fantastic wedding? What about the older brides who are dealing with their own problems that come with age and potentially negative experience? Obviously there are some threads out there that are directly asking for validation (and even one I’ve read just today) but usually, we as a 20 something group want help with dealing with our challenges of being a young bride dealing with parents, finances, judgment, and making the best decisions for ourselves possible. Constant bombardment of how we’re not ready, not experienced enough, not traveled enough, not secure, not OLD enough, is exhausting and it’s isolating a whole group of young women who should be able to come to these boards and be equally respected as a bride, wife, or just person with feelings who sometimes needs a little support.
Post # 12
I think having the boards separated into different age groups is causing all this drama. I am on other wedding boards as well and have never had this topic come up but when you segregate brides according to age of course its going to.
Post # 13
I agree with you that people’s relationships shouldn’t be judged because of their age. But if people ASK for advice, they can’t expect that all that advice will be what they want to hear. There’s a difference between compassionate, supportive advice and an echo chamber of empty validation. I think that’s what bBrooklynRocks was getting at.
So basically, if someone says, “Which dress do you like the best? Oh and btw I’m 21,” commenting on their age is not appropriate. But if they ask “Is 21 too young to get married?” it’s okay for people to (respectfully) say that they don’t think so.
Post # 14
I think (and I may be wrong) that the OP is pointing out times when people go straight to the age instead of looking at the whole picture. For example: “I don’t like the idea of my Fiance going to strip clubs, I don’t trust him” becomes “Maybe you’re too young to get married if you can’t trust your Fiance.” I’ve seen this too. Age isn’t even an issue in the topic, yet it is immediately picked on. It can sometimes play a contributing role in some issues, but it seems like most times a young bride is just told she’s not mature enough to get married, when there may actually be other things going on. It’s the dafault answer, when it’s not the default problem in all threads a young bride posts.
Post # 15
I don’t know. It seems like the younger brides are so quick to announce their age. Like I don’t start topics, “SO watches porn and I don’t like it. I’m 27”
It’s usually topics like “Who pays for the wedding? I’m 21 and in college” where people say the couple might be a little young if they can’t pay for the wedding themselves.