(Closed) please tell me im over exaggerating ?

posted 9 years ago in Wellness
  • poll: Should i be so upset?
    Yes : (50 votes)
    56 %
    No : (40 votes)
    44 %
  • Post # 18
    Member
    6659 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I would be upset by this honestly. I have 3 older siblings and we are all treated so differently by my parents, but at the end of the day it’s hard to compare because it’s like apples and oranges. Same with DH’s parents, but again it’s just different situations i.e. his brother has a child (the only grandchild) so they go out to visit him more often and generally give him more attention, but for our wedding they did more for us then they did for him since we had a bigger event.

    So things like this may sting, but like Mr. Bee said it’s best for everyone if you just assume they had good intentions and shrug it off. I might bring it up though, like “Oh, I noticed you planned a trip to Mexico for Christmas, how fun!” to get it out in the open. Because they shouldn’t be able to get away with a secret trip.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1763 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would feel slighted, to say the least. It is really difficult to be the partner of “the other child.” My husband has been use to it his entire life so he doesn’t really notice any more. It upsets me more then him most of the time when he’s not supported in things going on in his life.

    I woudn’t bring it up, but I would try to make it a really great holiday for your husband so he knows you are there to be his family and that is all that really matters.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1029 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    It’s funny because I think the votes are split based on people’s experience with passive-aggressive Future In-Laws. It didn’t even occur to me that they would be being passive-aggressive because I’m a little “sunny” when it comes to my expectations of people – so from my own personal experience, I would think the gesture was one of “we already know you can’t come with us, so no point making you feel bad by inviting you/telling you we are going”. But only you know them best, so if YOU think it’s sneaky on their part based on previous behavior, that’s up to you. This can definitely swing either way.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1029 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Yeah I see your point, but having never been in any scenario remotely like that (unlike some other Bees), I can’t really anticipate how I’d feel your shoes. Bottom line is you’re justified to feel pissed off/left out since you feel that way (circular argument, but that’s the truth) – can you or your Darling Husband flat out ask them about it? Might take some of the mystery away from the whole thing.

    Post # 24
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I totally understand why you’re frustrated, but I think that’s just kind of how it is when you get married.  People on here always talk about how families have to understand that spouses have a new loyalty once they get married, and it kind of goes both ways.  I think you just have to accept that you’re going to miss out on stuff once you’re married and that that’s just a sacrifice you have to make.  Plus, (and I honestly hope this doesn’t sound harsh) it sort of sounds like you expect them to rearrange their lives/trip around you, but would you be willing to do the same for them?

    OTOH, if I remember right, you’ve had problems with them since even before the wedding, so maybe this is especially hurtful to you because of your past interactions with them, which I can understand.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1568 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I’d be stunned if either my parents or my husband’s parents went on an overseas trip and invited our sisters but not us. Definitely something worth being upset about. On the other hand, though, since they knew you were planning to spend Christmas with your family this year, perhaps it might have seemed very passive aggressive if they had offered – like, “Well, I know you said you were spending Christmas with the other family, but if you spend it with us you get to go to MEXICO.” Altogether it’s not the greatest behavior, and they really should have said something to your husband about it.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @Baileyh:  I would feel awkward that the only reason they told you anything was because someone called them out on their perceived behaviour.  I only say this because I think that I’m kind of like you and see patterns in things…so I would just view this as continuation of previous behaviour. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I don’t know – I’d be mixed about it.  It COULD be an attempt to be tctful by not mentioning it to you and making him feel he’s missing out by spending Christmas with your family… but that’s kinda silly, as it’s bound to get out eventually.  It should have been mentioned as soon as they decided, because the fact it seems to have been hidden is what seems the most hurtful.  People trying to not hurt others don’t always make the best choices.

    That said, my Boyfriend or Best Friend and his sister aren’t getting along since the holidays LAST year, and during a disagreement, she pretty much threatened that if Thanksgiving wasn’t her way, she’d go to her in-laws in another town WITH the one and only grandchild – basically using the kid as a weapon to make us “pay” for offending her by witholding access to the baby to not only us, but her own parents and the great-grandmother in her 90s.  They are going ahead with their plan to go visit the in-laws, which wouldn’t be a big deal, except for the fact that A) This might be the great grandmother’s last holiday season B) The in-laws are in their 30s-40s and there are only two of them, as opposed to 9 of my BF’s family, and we feel that they are welcome, but the smaller number (and younger group) has an easier time traveling.

    Familes are strange animals, and while I’d love to say there was no intention of a slight in your case, without knowing the parents and sister, I couldn’t say.  The fact is, if this hurts you and your SO< they need to be asked about it, and told that the trip is fine.  Paying for it is fine.  Not mentioning it, especially when Mexico is a kinda rough place these days (live on the border – students at my school are wanred not to go, as American tourists are prime targets for kidnapping) and you could find out about it through a tragic phone call, is not.

    The topic ‘please tell me im over exaggerating ?’ is closed to new replies.

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