(Closed) Pls advise–cannot stand DH's BFF and his sick ways

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    tell husband to not text friend when we're together only : (34 votes)
    23 %
    tell husband to cut out all porn type texts with friend : (52 votes)
    36 %
    tell husband to have less contact with friend in general : (43 votes)
    29 %
    other (please explan) : (17 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9648 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @temporary:   Is there any chance your husband might be gay?  That would explain a lot and possibly answer some of the questions about the sexual issues the two of you are having.  If he’s being aroused by the pictures of male sex and homosexual eroticism it may mean he’s more attracted, sexually, to men than to women.  Do you feel he has had an overly intimate relationship with his friend that you may not know about?

    Post # 4
    Member
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @Sunfire:  That was my initial thought as well.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I would definitely talk to Darling Husband.  I would be questioning his sexuality if I were you.  I think it’s incredibly unusual for guys to share gay images with each other, coupled with the fact your are having intimacy problems.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    2622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would discuss it again, but this time be a bit more firm.

    you have already told him how it makes you uncomfortable, but this time tell him that when it goes on you feel distant from him. That it is starting to affect your relationship and you would like him to tell his friend to stop with the pictures.

    Be sure to tell him you dont want him to stop being friends with his friend, but that this kind of text messaging is inappropriate especially as its starting to affect your relationship.  I think at this point this is a very reasonable request to ask of him.

    Tell him that if friend does send these pictures (you cant control his behavior after all, just request something) that you would like him to not respond at all.  Essentially making it not fun for the friend to send them. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @temporary:  The fact that his friend dates a lot of women makes me think he is overcompensating for the fact he is gay.  I’m not sure what I would say to Darling Husband.  Maybe ask him if he is bisexual?  I would try to ask in a non-judgmental way, but I’m not sure how you could do that in such an upsetting situation.

    Post # 10
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Yeah, this whole situation is weird. I could understand if he got a couple “shocking” images a year, but it sounds like this is a daily occurance. This friend must spend all of his free time looking for gay porn images so that he can text your Fiance, and after a while, I feel like they won’t be “shocking” b/c he would have seen everything. I would point out (to your FI) that this friend seems like he might be gay and into your Fiance since he spends hours looking for gay porn.

    Post # 12
    Member
    9648 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @temporary:   I think it’s understandable that you’re concerned about this.  There is such a thing as latent homosexuality and also a lot of people can be in denial about it because they feel there’s some kind of shame attached to homosexuality (thank you hypocritical, uneducated society for that). 

    Definitely talk with him about this in a calm and compassionate way.  You don’t have to even ask him about the homosexual desires because he probably won’t admit it, anyway, and may not even consciously be aware of those feelings in himself.  Either way, the bottom line is this:  His behavior and actions are disturbing to you and are affecting you in a negative way.  I don’t think your husband in any way means to be disrespectful to you.  In fact, if you two were lighting up the sheets every night I doubt this concern would even be entering your mind.

    But, in light of the sexual difficulties you’re having I can understand why this bothers you.  Hopefully you can talk to your husband about it this way.  Tell him, “Honey, I want the only sexual conversations, in any way, shape, form or fashion, to be between ME and YOU and nobody else.  I want the sexual images and overly close conversations with your BFF to be put on hold for a little while so we can work on our marriage issues.” 

    If he is completely heterosexual and in love with you, he should have no problem whatsoever in complying with your request.  Once you get your own love life in working order you won’t feel so threatened by his attention to/from his friend.

    If he won’t comply, then ask him WHY. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    9627 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    It is possible that he is bisexual, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn’t stray, which presumably he won’t, most married people don’t cheat. As for the constant texting I would put your foot down, he needs to spend time focusing on you too! He can’t just text his friend all day every day, even during dinner? Wow, that has got to stop!

    Post # 16
    Member
    4524 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @temporary:  My Boyfriend or Best Friend has a best friend from childhood whom I do not care for becuase he’s a pig and just a jerk in general.  Boyfriend or Best Friend is aware of this, but we both know I just put up with him because it’s his old buddy.

     

    That being said, I PROMISE you if my Boyfriend or Best Friend started getting texted gay porn by his buddy, he might laugh the first time but there would NOT be a second: he would absolutely tell him, in his guy way, “that’s not something I find funny, dont do it again”.  That is not something he’d find amusing, especially not more than once.

     

    As far as them texting alot, my Boyfriend or Best Friend has a good male friend of ours he texts constantly, but it’s mostly becuase the friend just got out of a long relationship and he’s very lonely.  My only thing I’ve said a few times regarding it is “hey, can you tell _____ you’ll text him once we leave dinner? thanks.”

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