(Closed) Pls help revise my email to alcoholic friend…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

You’re right, compassion is really important. Sorry, I didn’t suggest telling her what she did wrong to vent, but so that she can’t instantly respond with “I didn’t do anything wrong, you’re just uptight!”. But as you said, you know her best and if she’ll feel like she’s being attacked if you say that then it’s probably for the best if you don’t.

It’s a very brave thing to do to confront somebody about addiction, and you’re a good friend for doing it.

Post # 35
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I put this on the other thread too.

Being the daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics, take it from me that confronting her is not going to work. She will immediately get defensive, not take anything to heart and end up hating you. If it makes you feel better then say something but the best thing you can do is to lovingly detach. Because of the ways my mom acts, I am forced to keep her at arms length probably for the rest of my life. The thing to realize is that only they can change their behavior. Nothing you, or her husband, or her parents say will change anything.

Post # 37
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

 “quite likely she will have a violently vicious reaction”… ” honestly can’t keep it in. I have to get it off my chest”

Getting it off your chest is one thing, but purposly sending an letter that you know is likely to get an emotional response won’t make you feel better in the long run. You need to make your point clear, She will read:

“I don’t like what you did, and I don’t like who you are at the moment and you’ve pissed me off, can I have an apology please, oh and I think you need help”

soccer25 I truly get how you’re feeling, trust me I’ve been there, it’s a violation of a relationship when someone you are/were close to does something so hurtful especially on an important day. You have every right to feel angry about the situation and if you send the letter then it was the right thing for you to do, just consider why your sending this. Is it to get an apology or to say that you think she needs help?

Post # 39
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you did a very nice job. I have been in a similar situation and it’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is the right thing to do.

Be prepared for her to be defensive and possibly bring up everything you have done that she does not agree with. It will be. However if she does decide to get help or help herself she will know that you are a true friend. It may take months or even years, but be her friend when she does try to do better. She will need you, and she will most likely fall a few times when she is trying to get back up.   

Good luck!

Post # 41
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m with @nataliegrace90:  You’ll get your release of anger but what you’ll get back might be worse than just finding the heart to let it go.

Post # 43
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

@Peachcream:  I would rather her hate me then get into a car and kill herself or others… Or hook up with a man that does her harm…. Or do irreversible harm to her body.

Maybe this is the email that shows her the light.  I had a good friend that got sober about 2 years ago after YEARS of people begging her to get help – including her children.l

Post # 44
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

An alcoholic never takes criticism or unsolicited advice in a grateful manner. An alcoholic never seeks help until they want it, even if it means they have their own children crying and begging them to get help. It took me a long time to realise this with my own mother.

You have already said that you don’t want to remain friends but you do want an apology. You cannot expect to get both from sending this email.

Further still you want to encourage her to get help but don’t have any plans to actually support her with that. Helping a troubled drinker is a long, heartbreaking and thankless task. If you don’t intend to help her then don’t expect your email to show her the light.

Your upset and rightly so – If you want half a chance to get this off your chest then explain that she did x,y and z and ask for an apology, don’t sugar coat it with a plea for her to get help, it will almost certainly backfire.

Post # 45
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Can you send this via snail vs. e-mail? Unfortunately, she may be angry when she reads it, and you might not get a positive response back (a lot easier to reply in anger to an e-mail than a letter.)

This is such a personal, heartfelt letter that you wrote (I agree with a lot of the small suggested edits)- maybe it could be a wake up call for her? Your letter was classy and with good intentions…just be prepared that you might receive “nasty” back in return. Good luck with this!

Post # 46
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@WaitingweddingBE:  

“Further still you want to encourage her to get help but don’t have any plans to actually support her with that. Helping a troubled drinker is a long, heartbreaking and thankless task. If you don’t intend to help her then don’t expect your email to show her the light.

Your upset and rightly so – If you want half a chance to get this off your chest then explain that she did x,y and z and ask for an apology, don’t sugar coat it with a plea for her to get help, it will almost certainly backfire.”  <- This.  This times 100.

Your letter is very, very sweet.  But to me it says, “I want you to get help and I’ll be there for you while you get it just as long as I’m only there for the sober parts.”

If you want to cut her out of your life, I don’t think that letter will do it.  If you want to tell her that her drinking is a problem that needs to be fixed, I don’t think that letter will do it.  As long as she can write it off as an overreaction because you’re vague on how her drinking was a problem for you, she won’t take it seriously.

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