(Closed) Plus One & Children

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do not think drawing a line between 14 and over and under 10 is easy, and I suspect it will not be regarded as fair.   It sounds to me that your Future Mother-In-Law wants her relatives there, but not yours.   Certainly, the DJ is not a member of the wedding party and no reason to invite his kids. 

Who is paying of the wedding?

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

We said “Adult only ceremony and reception”.  On our wedding website, we noted however, that should this pose a problem, the guest should contact us before declining.  That way, we can make case by case decisions.  For us, its more like baby vs toddler vs rambuncious 5 year old.  No old er children are in our family or group of friends. 

Also, people don’t buy their way into making decisions for you.  We have a family member paying for a single part of the wedding, but that in no way buys them any decisions. It might buy them the right to have an opinion, but an opinion is just that,

Post # 6
Member
11518 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
msapollonia84:  I think you need to do all or nothing.  If you told me I couldn’t bring my 10 year old but then someone else is there with a 10 year old as their date I might be peeved (not that I have a 10 year old, but if I did).  If you’re going to draw a line for no children I feel like it needs to be 16 or 18 and it needs to be all or nothing (wedding party kids excluded).

I understand your predicament and it is a tough one, but trying to make some kids okay and others the same ago not okay is pretty tricky.

Post # 7
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
msapollonia84:  It is hard trying to NOT offend future in-laws.  However, my future in-laws have already offended me about some of my wedding choices, so I just adopted the STFU attitude and away I go.  You can’t/shouldn’t let others make you feel bad about your choices.  Its your wedding.  If they want a huge party in their honour, they should throw and pay for one themselves.

Think of your wedding as your birthday party – a party celebrating the birth of your marriage.  Would you let someone else run the show on your birthday party?

Post # 8
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
MsGinkgo:  I think as long as you can defend WHATEVER decision you make – and you are prepared to defend that decision – you should be able to set whatever limitations you want on your guest list. 

I’m fully prepared to tell friend A that I allowed friend B and cousin C to bring their child because they contacted me privately about it and because their babies are still breastfeeding (both are under or around 1 years old).  Friend A’s child is 24 months and is a joyful ball of energy (I’ll be thinking slightly different terminology) AND they never bothered to ask me if they could bring the little devil…er… wonderful blessing….  Its MY/OUR wedding and I’m prefectly able and willing to defend my choices in my wedding dress and heels.  If it destroys our friendship, well… it won’t.  Trust me.  Its just a wedding.

Post # 9
Bee
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Cottage on the Creek

we said 13 and up. if people can’t come due to children, i understand but it’s my preference not to have kids there. might be rude but frankly i don’t care. 

Post # 10
Member
11518 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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WanderingAlbertan:  Breastfeeding is definitely an exception. 

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable trying to explain why friend A could bring their 10 year old but friend B couldn’t – it is totally up to the OP what she’s comfortable with, she asked for advice/opinions and I’m simply stating my perspective.  We blanket allowed kids, most people didn’t bring them. 

 

Post # 11
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Breasfeeding and/or babies under 12 months need to be included.  How about this as a compromise: 13 and over is invited to the reception and babysitting is provided for younger guests.  a couple babysitters, pizza, and a disney movie will likely be a LOT cheaper than having to pay for plates for all of them.

Post # 12
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
msapollonia84:  First of all, regardless of any other child lines you choose to draw, you can always have an exception for new/nursing moms – some people call it “babes in arms” – basically, a baby who has to be held the entire time, and takes up no chair nor eats any food.  Any reasonable person should understand this exception. Some people aren’t reasonable when it comes to children of course, but that’s not your problem.

What would the guest count be if you drew the line at age 10, instead of 14 (plus the aforementioned baby exception)?  It sounds like that might make more sense for you.  Essentially you are excluding young children – I think that’s a reasonable cutoff.  Another option would be to allow children of guests traveling from a distance, since it is much more reasonable to get a babysitter for an evening than overnight or an entire weekend.  I would just suggest that your rule be flexible, but easy to understand so you don’t have to go into elaborate explanations.  And ultimately, you can invite whoever you want – the rules don’t have to be hard and fast.  But the clearer the rules are, the less likely you’re going to run into upsetting your guests.

One more quick note: if you say “no children except the wedding party”, no, the DJ’s kids are not part of the wedding party (again, if you want to invite them because he’s doing you a favor, that’s your call, but they’re not part of the wedding party).

Post # 13
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

Ours will be a big homey family wedding so we’re lucky not to have this problem! But I do believe that you can pick an age, at which you think children can handle themselves as adults, and stick with it. On the other hand, if you want the children on your side there too then go for it! In My Humble Opinion kids don’t ruin a wedding! But will there be adult situations that are unsuitable for kids to be around? Please just make this decision  for you and your Fiance. Not for Mother-In-Law or people who will say whatever they need to to get a +6 invite. Best wishes!

Post # 14
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

It’s a lot easier just to choose the legal drinking age, whether it be 18, 19, or 21, where you live; then no one can question it. My daughter’s venue charged the full adult rate for 13 and up, with no discount for alcohol. It became a 21 and over wedding, pretty quickly.

I think your Mother-In-Law is trying to adapt the rules so everyone on her side is invited. I don’t think that would go over well, with guests who have kids 13 and below.

Post # 15
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

When we were growing up it was uncommon for my older siblings to be invited to a cousin’s wedding and for me and my younger siblings to be excluded (age set a 13+, etc). I don’t think anyone got their feathers ruffled about it because it was consistent. 

In your case I would do a 13 and up get invites (12 and under is the definition that restaurants use for kids). I would not make exceptions except for bridal party kids (this means the ringbearer or the flower girl NOT the dj’s kids). If you want to make exceptions for breastfeeding babies do so, but this wouldn’t include your close friend’s toddler. I’d help arrange childcare for her. 

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