(Closed) Plus One Dilemma….HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
10700 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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alexaleeo :  

She’s not ‘plus one’, she should be an invited guest as part of a couple . Unless there is a whole lot of stuff you haven’t mentioned, why on earth would you not ask  an ex of more than 4 years ago , now in a permanent  relatationship,   to your wedding.

 Beware of irrational jealousy ( or  whatever the  emotion in question is) OP, it does not bode well for a happy future

Post # 17
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

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alexaleeo : Trust me, she’s not going to be sitting there thinking, “I had him first”. She’s going to be sitting there thinking, “How nice that I get to spend a nice evening with my long-term partner, celebrating the love of his good friend and his new wife. This is a non-issue.

Post # 18
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

It’s kind of all or nothing. They are invited together or they aren’t invited at all. You can’t invite him to honor your relationship while you dismiss his. 

Full disclosure, I’ve invited two of my exes to my wedding. One is married (I went to his wedding and was one of 3 of his exes in attendance) and the other will be getting married in a couple of years (and I’ll be attending that wedding as well) we’ve all moved on to better relationships and there are no bad feelings to be found. 

Post # 19
Member
7635 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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alexaleeo :  No you can’t invite him solo.

What you can do, however, is invite neither. Consider: if they get married, would you and your DH attend? I’m guessing not. So for that reason, you might consider not to inviting them at all. Though, like 

View original reply
weddingmaven :  says, that might offend them also. So I’d probably invite them both, for the friend’s sake.

Post # 20
Member
3163 posts
Sugar bee

Either you can invite both or neither of them. 

Both my husband and I had exes at our wedding. It didn’t cross either of our minds. I know everyone’s different and you have to be true to your boundaries, but honestly you’re the one marrying him and you probs won’t even see this woman.

i am almost certain we missed out on an invite to a wedding because the groom who is a close mate is also a DISTANT ex of mine. Parts of our social group were left out too because of it – they couldn’t really snub just me. It was very awkward and he felt terrible as they came to our wedding. I don’t even think of that guy like that any more so it just made me think his wife is very insecure and/or I meant more to him than he meant to me. 

Post # 21
Member
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

They dated sometime at least four years ago and he is now marrying you so surely there is no real emotional issue here. Since she is a ‘very serious’ partner of your FI’s ‘very good’ friend you are going to need to make your peace with the idea of her. I get the sentiment you are expressing,  but it would be quite bad to invite everyone’s partners except her. What makes you worried about it? I hope you’re not actually jealous or think he still has feelings for her or anything? If it’s just the principle, remember she will be one of 150, you’ll barely notice her there. 

Post # 22
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Don’t be petty and ride, invite her.

Post # 23
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

If they’re such good friends why did he break the bro code and date your FI’s ex? That’s a thing right? But hey, I get it situations get sticky and complicated. 

From what I understand, inviting exes is a bad idea only because of the possibility that old feelings will stir and possibly impact the wedding. If they’ve been together for four years, I would presume that those feelings are gone, but that’s up to you to decide. 

From my perspective, you’re not “OMIGOD WRONG” but you’re not entirely right in this situation. I think your Fiance should talk with his friend and express the hesitation to have an ex at your wedding, ask if they’re comfortable with the situation, and at the end of the day, you should invite them both. 

Post # 24
Member
8006 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

They’ve been in a serious relationship for four years? They are a social unit. You either invite both or you don’t invite them.

How would you feel if they didn’t invite you and your then DH to their wedding because of this history? With 150 people at your wedding you will barely notice they are there…

Post # 25
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You have to invite. When your fiances good friend started dating her, that was his time to decide if it was weird for him. If they are still very good friends four years later, yes you have to invite her. Think about how crazy you would look! It would actually take away from your day to not invite her I think- thats what the talk would be. She is so insecure she didn’t invite Bob’s serious girlfriend. Have you never seen this woman in four years? are you going to skip all cookouts, showers, their wedding? If I were your fiances friend and he said I couldnt bring my ex Id probably think he was still into her. 

Post # 26
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
whoami :  Keep in mind, not everyone is at the same point in their lives before 21. I started dating my fiancé at 16 and we are both 20 now, not even 21 yet! We will be married at 21. I’m not trying to sound rude, but I just wanted to remind you that every relationship is different and putting a number on it will not work for every situation 🙂

as for OP, unless they had a messy breakup or your fiancé is uncomfortable with her being there, I would say invite her. Be the bigger person in this situation. I understand it may feel awkward, but unless you let it bother you, you probably will barely notice she’s there and your friend will be able to truly enjoy himself at your wedding.

Post # 27
Member
10306 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Its rude to invite someone and not invite their SO just because of your own personal hang ups.

I mean, what is she going to do? Wait until the officiant says “you may now kiss the bride” and run up there are start macking on your FI? I just really don’t get it I guess.

Post # 28
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If you’re secure enough in your relationship to make it permanent through marriage, then you should be able to be in the same room as a long-ago ex who is now in a serious relationship with someone else. If you don’t invite her, you’ll look paranoid, insecure, and petty. If you do, you look classy and confident. 

Post # 29
Member
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I dont get why its an issue for her to be there? Honestly I wouldnt have cared if all my DH’s exes were at our wedding, he was marrying ME. You and your Fiance sound a little insecure TBH.

Post # 30
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

If this guy is a very good friend of your FI’s (as you pointed out) then you have to invite his girlfriend, whether or not she was a “serious” ex of your Fiance first.  If everyone else’s boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is being invited, it is very poor etiquette to single this guy out and invite him solo.  It makes you look insecure and petty.

I also am curious as to how old you are. If his friend has had a serious relationship with this girl for 4 years, that means she dated your Fiance at a younger age (assuming you are late 20s).  If this relationship was in high school or college, I think people change enough in their 20s that this is a non factor.  You don’t even mention how long they dated.

I will be inviting an ex of mine when I get married as he’s part of my social circle still and I do not want to exclude him.  My boyfriend is aware of this and has accepted it.  There’s no feelings on my end. 

Since you’re having a bigger wedding anyway you’ll hardly even notice they’re there.

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