(Closed) Plus One Dilemma

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Can I Un-Invite These Plus Ones?
    Nope, you are stuck with them! : (28 votes)
    82 %
    Yes, go for it. : (6 votes)
    18 %

    34 votes

    • Post # 1
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Hello Bees!

    I love reading your posts and I am so grateful for the support of this community ladies, thank you!

    I have a plus one dilemma and would like some advice. I have two single ladies coming as guests to my wedding and both have asked if they could bring a friend to accompany them.

    I wanted to be gracious and considerate as both are travelling from overseas for the wedding so I said yes. Both friends then sent in a RSVP for themselves and their female friend. 

    I sent a friend request to both of the plus one guests and a message to say hello on Facebook. I asked for their mailing addresses so I could post them their invitation.

    Here’s what hurts: both girls have seen my message but neither have bothered to reply or even acknowledge me.  

    I gave it a month in case both were busy and because I guessed they would need to look into their travel plans. Although my wedding is my priority, I don’t expect it to be theirs.

    Still no response, so I mentioned to my friends in a polite and indirect way. They were both quick to come back and said they would check in with their friends… but still no response.

    My fiance and I are really pressed for space on our guest list (and in our budget, and in the number of seats we can physically put around tables in our venue!)

    We’re also under pressure to confirm final numbers to venue and for all other kinds of reasons (name tags, seating charts and so on).

    This means these two plus one guests are effectively holding seats that we could be giving to other people who have since let us know that they really want to be there with us.

    I think both plus one guests are probably nice people but just clueless about how expensive and challenging weddings can be! If they ‘got it’ I expect they would have replied.

    My question is this: can I uninvite these two extra guests or is it too late?

    I don’t want to offend my friends and I want them to be comfortable.

    However I also want my fiance and I to be comfortable, and for us that looks like not having two strangers at my wedding and especially not those who don’t care enough to even acknowledge me.

    I would love your opinions and your help Bees!

    Tagged: 

    Post # 3
    Member
    46609 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    There is no inoffensive way to un-invite someone. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @julies1949:  Thanks! I agree which is why this is such a dilemma for me. What I’m wondering is if I get some room here though given how these people have acted?

    Post # 5
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee

    @kiwihoney:  If I was you I would send them a message explaining the above and asking if they can get back to you by a set date. Manners go both ways 🙂

    Post # 6
    Member
    805 posts
    Busy bee

    @kiwihoney:  Well, you haven’t actually invited them if they don’t give you an address to send them an invite! I would let your friends know that you can’t send the p+1s invitations so unless they get their addresses to you by X date then you’ll invite other friends in ther place.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    3267 posts
    Sugar bee

    @kiwihoney:  No.  Once you have invited them they are in.  Unless they have slept with your finance or committed some other terrible grivance (and not replying to a single FB message is not one of them) you are stuck.

    If they are also friends enough to attend an out of country wedding, then I think they should always be invited with a date.  It is really crappy to have to travel out of country to a wedding alone.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @kiwihoney:  not sure if this is just a US thing, but plus ones don’t usually get their own invitations.  If someone told me they were bringing me to a wedding as a guest, and then the bride contacted me directly, I would probably feel a little weird.  It would be interesting to see exactly how you phrased your notes to them too.

    That said, yeah you already told these girls they can bring the plus one and it’s clearly important to them to do so.  You can’t take it back without being a little rude.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    244 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    It’s only two, and I think you’re doing the right thing by allowing two oversee friends to have plus ones. It would be more rude, I think, to be upset about some cultural difference in etiquette for RSVPs… as opposed wanting to uninvite them AND ask them to change travel plans AND ask your friends to come alone.

    Post # 10
    Member
    920 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I think you would have been ok saying no +1 from the beginning, but now that they’ve been invited you really can’t uninvite them 

    Post # 11
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @MsChandler:  Genius! As right now I don’t even know if they have made any travel plans or intend to actually come or not.

    Post # 13
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Thanks ladies for the feedback, you’re amazing, and so fast! I agree that I can’t uninvite them now but I can get back to my friends and mention that we need to know if their plus ones are coming or not by X date. This is fair enough and hopefully their friends will be more considerate, and if not, then they won’t have RSVP’d and I can move on without having to ‘uninvite’. Who knows, maybe neither wants to come and it would be giving them an ‘out’. Makes me wonder. Thanks girls.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee

    @kiwihoney:  Nope, you have to invite them now that you have allowed your friends to bring a plus one guest.  

    Honestly, I wouldn’t be offended by their behavoir.  It was nice of you to check in, but they are really there to keep your friends company.  They may feel weird about contacting you back or they might not even know who you are.

    If you friends are flying in from overseas to attend your wedding, they are spending A LOT of money on your wedding too.  I know weddings are expensive, but travelling overseas is very expensive too.  Its rarely something that people do lightly.  (And lets be honest here, your wedding isn’t going to be nearly as important to your friends as it is to you.  To an extent, they are doing you a favor by attending your wedding because they care about you.) 

    Let your friends bring their guests and let it go.  They are coming from far away because they love you.  Don’t rock the boat as your friends plus ones may have already have purchased tickets, and you will undoubtedly cause unwanted drama.  Just be happy you have such loving and supportive friends.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    7271 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Even if these two specific people don’t come I don’t think you will be able to invite two different people because you gave your friends +1s. If that specific person doesn’t come then they technically still have the option to invite someone else. I think it’s very polite that you are trying to send the +1s an invite but if your friends already RSVPed for two people than I think you are stuck with strangers coming to your wedding.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    8682 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @cece_intheuk:  @kiwihoney:  The OP isn’t inviting the guests themselves they are invited as +1’s of an invited guest. They would typically not get their own individual invite.

    Also OP I think it is a little weird that you tried to facebook friend these +1’s. I probably would ignore your message/request as well. When I attend an event as a +1 I don’t need to have a personal relationship witht he hosts. I am just a +1.

    The topic ‘Plus One Dilemma’ is closed to new replies.

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