(Closed) Plus one issue

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 18
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mc77: you seem very unhappy right now and i’m sorry for that =(  i can’t imagine what it’s like being the only one in your group of friends to not be getting married or seriously involved with someone- that must be tough.  that being said, as i said before, your friend has not breached any etiquette protocol. 

Post # 20
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mc77: as someone else suggested, i think your friend did not actually mean to invite plus ones, but is dealing with it graciously when approached. 

Post # 21
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Not only do you have to take the cost of +1s into consideration, you have to take in space.  What if her venue doesn’t allow the space for every single person to bring a +1.  It’s not rude.  It’s rude to expect anything from her when she has so graciously invited you to begin with.

Post # 23
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

OP sorry our feeling slighted because of your (current) single status.

As a budget bride (with no parental help, no trust/wedding fund, or lotto on the horizon) in theroy I would love to offer some single friends a +1, sure! But its just not feasiable. For guests not in the bridal party (if you and feel that uncomfortable socializing in a group setting alone) you can always tell the host that you’ll only attend the ceremony and decline reception. That way you show your support and I’m sure the couple will appreciate it.

Now that I’m this side of planning a wedding, I can never go back to my old point of views as a guest. I get it now more than ever. It’s stressful as hell for brides/grooms. We seem to catch it from all sides when at our core we are tyring to make everyone happy, when in reality you just can’t.

Post # 24
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I agree with everyone who has responded to this post in favor of the Bride: maybe you think you truly know what it takes to plan a wedding, however, perspectives change drastically when it finally comes down to your own, I promise.  When the money is suddenly coming straight from your pocket, and all of these decisions are truly on your shoulders, it can really change how you thought you’d respond to certain situations.  Trust me, there were a lot of opinions I had about weddings not too far from your own until I started grappling with my own budget, space, guest list, etc.  Suddenly, once you’re the bride, you understand why people getting married make the choices they do!  It is a really difficult job, attempting to plan the wedding of your dreams on a budget, without offending anyone.  You can act with as much tact and politeness as you can possibly conjure up, however, at the end of the day, there will always be SOMEONE who didn’t like your flower choice, or your vows, or the dinner, or the wording on the invite.  You can’t please everyone.

I think your good friend has handled this beautifully, and I think you are right: she probably purposefully did not put “+ one” on every response card because of budget and spacial constraints, but the fact that she’s willing to bend that rule for you says a lot about how much you mean to her. 

Maybe what’s bothering you so much is that she is politely making an excuse as to why she didn’t list “plus ones”.   You mentioned she had said she “didn’t think about it beforehand”, but since you can see right through that reasoning, maybe what’s bothering you is that you want her to be honest with you as to what her motives truly were (i.e. saving money, space, etc).  Being so close to her, maybe you feel like she is patronizing you by being so polite, and saying that she just forgot, rather than admitting that she did it for other reasons.

Either way, she has every right to make the choices she did, she is not being rude, and your job is to be there for her to support her through all of this as her Maid of Honor.  She trusted you with this position, and I think you should put this in the past, and enjoy this moment that you two have together as friends!

Post # 26
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m doing all of this when my whole heart is not in it like it would be if say it were my sister, and feeling underappreciated by them not wanting to pay a little extra to give me the option of a date (which I wouldn’t have brought one anyways)

^^^Then thats the real issue, this wasn’t an etiquette question after all. This is an emtional issue that you used under the guise of a breech of etiquette to express your frustration. Now this makes more sense. If you felt this strongly about not being attached to the bride, then why did you accept the role? Just bow out at this point.

Post # 27
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s good that you can see what’s happening in this situation. If you’re not wanting to continue a friendship with them but feel obligated to do so because you’re the Maid/Matron of Honor in their wedding, perhaps you can consider stepping down.

For me, it would hurt a lot and be a big pain in the hiney to have a Maid/Matron of Honor step down, but ultimately I would rather have the person standing next to me on such an important day be there for me for the rest of my life and marriage. Maid/Matron of Honor is a life-long title, in my mind.

To go through the wedding with my Maid/Matron of Honor just waiting for the chance to escape and then they do after the wedding would hurt me.

Post # 28
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@SeattleMolly: I agree.  If you are not committed to this friendship, good times and bad, you should step down.  It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the bride. 

Post # 29
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I havent sent my invites yet, but I am definitely not putting plus 1s for certain people, because they will be people I don’t want there. Harsh, but it’s my rep etc. and you don’t want some random loser ruining your day. I am not saying that these are her thoughts, but sometimes you have to be careful. She trusts your roomie to bring somebody appropriate, that is a good thing. She is looking at a much bigger picture than you.

Post # 30
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I also think you’re being a little bit cruel. You’re not there for him, you’re there for her, as emotional support. She considers you to be more than you are to her. She maybe doesnt have many female friends. Perhaps you could try to look a bit deeper. She has invited your roommate, does that not tell you that she values your friendship?

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