(Closed) Plus one issue

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

This etiquette issue clearly runs a lot deeper than it topically seemed at first.  I think there are a lot of emotions running high, from your perceived insult of the lack of a plus one, to the rude actions of the Groom rubbing off on the Bride.  I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship with the Bride has changed so drastically due to the Groom’s influence, and that it has ultimately caused such differences that you can’t feel as close to her.  That’s a really frustrating situation to have to be stuck in, and I feel sorry for both you and her over this friendship that’s at stake.  Even though it’s quite normal for people to grow apart, it’s an even sadder reality when it is occurring during a momentous time such as this. I’m sure it’s a tough position to be in.

But basically, at this point, you have a choice: 

You can come clean with your feelings about the invite, about the Groom’s influence over her, expressing that you’re sad that your friendship has become strained because of it, and that you don’t feel close to her anymore like you used to, and ultimately tell her that in light of this, you don’t feel comfortable standing next to her on the altar as her Maid/Matron of Honor, and politely bow out as someone else mentioned.

OR…you could accept the current situation for what it is, realize that you do not have control over her choices or influences, do the best you can to be there for her, fulfill your duty as Maid/Matron of Honor, and then you can choose how you want to handle the friendship after the wedding is over.  Most likely, from the sounds of it, you will drift apart.  And that’s ok, it’s just life.

Hopefully you feel better now that you’ve vented a little, and can make a choice, and move on.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 34
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@mc77: First, I agree completely with the people who state that when it comes to planning your own wedding, it is a different ball game.  Ask any wedding planner, who has also gone through their own wedding.  It isn’t the same when people are looking to you with so many expectation.

Also, there is a MAJOR difference between allowing a single friend to invite a date and inviting someone’s significant other.  There is a bond between couples which makes them a package deal.  To have a relationship with me, includes knowing and having a relationship with my fiance.  There is a ‘we’ mentality.  We have not invited +1s but have invited SOs with long-term relationships, engaged or married, because for us to now and love the friend, also means at least tolerating their SO.  That is not the same for a single person bringing a date.

In my single days, I was invited to many weddings without a +1 and never took offense.  Last year, my fiance and I were living together but not yet engaged and he was invited to a wedding without me and again, I took no offense.  It’s just the nature of how a particular bride and groom want to tailor the most important day of their life.

Post # 35
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

So my dilemma after the wedding will be do I keep my mouth shut and just deal with him? Or do I speak my mind to him and risk ruining my friendship with both of them?

I think you will be able to judge this when the moment presents itself.  If you and the Bride maintain a friendship after the hustle and bustle of the wedding is over, and continue to hang out regularly, then you might find yourself in a position to speak your mind.  But, maybe, life will take over for both of you, and you will hang out a little less, since it’s not necessitated by the wedding (not that the wedding is the ONLY reason you both hang out, but you get what I’m saying…you probably communicate at a heightened rate right now due to the wedding.)  I would take it one day at a time, and cross that bridge when you get there.  Just try to enjoy this moment as much as possible, try to continue politely ignoring the Groom as much as you can, and deal with the rest of life as it comes your way.  It sounds like you’re already making the right choices: standing by your friend’s side, no matter what; holding your tongue to the Groom, even when he’s being rude; and committing to your duties as Maid/Matron of Honor.  Don’t worry yourself any more about this!!  In the lyrics of John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” So just let life happen, and deal with it one moment at a time.  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Best of luck!

Post # 37
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

@mc77:  Any time!! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad I could be here to listen!

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