(Closed) Plus one problems

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think that you need to invite both partners. 

#1 is a live-in partner, so she gets invited. Period. There *might* have been a little wiggle room if you had already sent him the invite and he moved in afterwards, but I think that since you know he’s living with her now and this is a serious relationship, you are sort of obligated to invite her. You are NOT, however, obligated to invite the kids. She’s only one more person; she alone is not going to break the budget. 

#2 again, since she moved back in and they’re not separated but married, you have to invite them. Keep your personal feelings about their relationship out of it. If you are truly concerned that he’s going to do something violent or criminal at your wedding, then you can hire private security or enlist someone close to you to be a defunct “bouncer” if things get out of hand. But I still think you need to invite him anyway, like or dislike, approve or disapprove. The exception is if he did something to you directly that was so disrespectful it wouldn’t surprise your cousin if BOTH she and him were disinvited. But this just sounds like someone you dislike and look down upon–not a reason to bar them from the wedding. Sorry. 

And in the end, these are just two people. Two people shouldn’t completely derail your budget, especially since I bet others will cancel and you’ll already have fewer attendants than the number you’ve invited anyway. 

Post # 3
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think that you need to invite both significant others, however you do not need to invite the woman’s children.

Post # 4
Member
13837 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs that both significant others should be invited, regardless of your personal feelings of the +1s.

Post # 5
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

Yep. Invite the SOs.

Post # 6
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

im going to go against the others and say that you absolutely do not have to invite them. I’m getting married at a venue that only holds 50 people, so there are many of our guests that don’t have a plus 1. Im not going to have someone I don’t know (or a drug addict that I can’t stand) taking the place of other friends or family that could be there. If your cousins have other family and friends going, they shouldn’t feel alone, and they should be able to have fun anyway. I personally got invited to a wedding with limited space before and did not get a plus 1. My fiance (boyfriend at the time) lived with me and everyone knew we were together, but the bride just didnt have the space and I totally understood that. I chose to go and have fun with my family, but she would have understood if I declined too. its your day, invite whoever you want!:)..also to the pp who said you should hire security or get another guest to play bouncer- seriously? You shouldn’t have to pay someone to keep control over a guest that you don’t even want there in the first place, and you shouldn’t make someone else play the role of babysitter either. That role would belong to your cousin who decided to get back with his druggie ass. 

Post # 7
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

mmeaprilmacq:  I believe that you must invite the first partner.  Even the strictest people when it comes to this question concede that those who are living together must be invited together.  You do not have to invite the children.

I would need to know more details about what exactly makes your second cousin a criminal (possession? dealing? more?) and what you mean when you say he doesn’t treat her well before I could give my absolute best suggestion.  But, at some level, you have to respect that this is the person your cousin has chosen to partner with.  If you truly believe that your cousin’s partner presents a clear and immediate danger to your other guests, then do not invite either of them.  If you do that, you are respecting the fact that your cousin has chosen to be in a social unit with this person while also making sure that your other guests aren’t being exposed to someone you can’t vouch for.

ETA: If the cousin is invited with her partner despite misgivings about her partner’s ability to conduct himself properly then it is indeed the host’s duty, not the cousin’s, to take the necessary precautions (security, or whatever).  The host is responsible for securing the well-being of all the guests s/he has chosen to invite.

Post # 8
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

maritimebride2016:  I totally agree. Space at my venue is extremely limited, and I cant invite some peoples significant others. A couple of my close friends are in serious relationships, but I have never met their partners. I spoke with all of them about and none of them had any issue with going alone. They are my university friends and they are all just happy we are finally getting together again for the first time in nearly ten years. Its your wedding – you should be able to invite who you want, and if space dictates that a plus one that you dont know/cant stand has to be excluded so someone you actually care about can attend then so be it

Post # 9
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

I guess it depends how much you want the cousins to come. Happy for them to decline? Don’t add their partners. I can see the case against inviting either of the partners and would be inclined not to however where I am guests are often invited, and go to, weddings solo. 

Post # 10
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to go with what maritimebride2016 said. I hate hate hate the whole “you MUST invite him/her but not the kids”. Ugh. Just because people move in together doesn’t mean it’s a commitment relationship (eye roll.. but that’s another story). 

And as for the druggie… um it’s an island and there will maybe be security. Say he brings it and is caught. I for one would not want to be arrested on drug charges on my wedding day and I wouldn’t invite anyone who I even remotely thought might bring them. Maybe I’m just paranoid but I’m not getting arrested because of someone else’s bad choices. 

Different people will say different things, but in the end you only have to invite who you want. 

Post # 11
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Invite who you want to your wedding! I wouldn’t invite a family member, let alone someone I don’t like to my wedding if they were a druggie and treated someone I cared about badly! Or if you thought they could cause problems there that could require security. Also- Hire security for a   guest you don’t even want there? Yea, right!!

Post # 12
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Invite SO’s for sure I say. If they are not in committed relationships I wouldn’t give a plus one. But sounds like they are.

Post # 13
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

There is etiquette and there is real life. I would not invite someone if they are a drug dealer (if that is the absoulte truth) because that person would endanger the rest of your guests. You are responsible for the health and safety of all of your guests and bringing someone who is truly dangerous is not a good idea, not just for you, but for the rest of the people there. 

If you are exaggerating the drug dealer part and you simply don’t like them, then etiquette has more sway. In the case of the SO, you do have to invite, but you have a BIG problem in that you have invited more than your venue can hold! Ultimately, it’s your party and you have to decide. 

Post # 14
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

If you are already at above the venue’s maximum capacity (and also if you know or expect more than the venue’s capacity to say yes) it doesn’t need to involve etiquette at all. For fire and safety reasons, you can’t have more than the maximum capacity of the venue there! I would wait for now until you know more about numbers.

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You don’t have to invite anyone, def not someone you don’t trust! I think what you plan to do makes sense, If you have the space his so can come, but you don’t have to invite the kids.

I did this and the only problem was my sister who just couldn’t get over me not inviting her boyfriend, I’ve met him once in a year! Sorry but we have a very small guest list and our rule to help decide were no kids & babies, and if you are married, engaged or living together and we know you both. i told her if we have a space then of course, but what can you do! 

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