(Closed) Plus One Question

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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mssapphiresblue:  I agree with your other Maid/Matron of Honor. I would stick to your guns… No randoms, no flings. Stop feeling guilty, there is no reason to feel this way.

Post # 4
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I had this issue with my ex-MOH. She was my best friend (no longer.. for other reasons though). She knows we are on a tight budget and have a small venue but many “required guests” (family, friends of parents who are helping to pay for it). We even had to cut some of our good friends off our list to accomodate the “required guests”. So we had a strict plus-one rule to only those in serious relationships, married, engaged, or living together (and my FI’s brother who is in a new relationship but is also the best man… and we hang out with his girlfriend all the time).

My ex-MOH lives 10 hours away and can’t afford a hotel room or a gift for us at the wedding. Which was totally fine by us, I don’t expect any gifts from any of our guests, especially the bridal party because they are doing so much already. However, because of her financial limitations she would have to spend the 3 day weekend at my parents house. She started to DEMAND a plus one. She couldn’t tell me anyone specific and said she would just “find someone. I’ll bring my friend or heck, I’ll find someone at the bar the week before!” WHAT? I don’t want a stranger at my wedding, let alone in my parents house.

She went on and on about how she’s being “punished” and “ridiculed” for being single and that we live in a society that “condemns” single people and I’m stabbing her in the back for not conforming to social norms and being in a relationship. That I’m demeaning her for being independent (which made no sense… if she were so independent, she wouldn’t need a date).

She wouldn’t back down. We gave in and said we would allow her to bring a date but that they could not stay at my parents house for trust/safety concerns. She still was not happy about that.

Honestly, I’d say stick to your guns and not give in to her guilt trip about relationship importance. She doesn’t want to bring her best friend because this friend is so highly important in her life. She just selfishly wants to add another friend to the party she’s attending. This isn’t a college frat party where you bring all your buddies. She needs to get over it.

Post # 5
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

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mssapphiresblue:  eeeesh yes everybody thinks differently about relationships and weddings budget and whatnot, but where two people don’t see things the same why on earth would she think that her opinion on how your wedding should be trumps your opinion on how your OWN WEDDING should be?? 

If it was me (though you sound a bit less confrontational than me!) I’d say “yes we both think differently about this so I think we’re just going to have agree to disagree on this and you’ll just have to accept that this is our wedding and we’re doing this our way because we don’t feel comfortable having randomers there.” If you don’t want any confrontation I’d probably tell a little white lie, something along the lines of you’ve already set this rule for close family members and friends who have asked and can’t really make any exceptions for anyone as these people are also close to you and would probably be hurt at you making an exception for someone but not them. 

Post # 6
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

People tend to go a bit crazy when it comes to weddings and how they think they work. Where I’m from, it is common that everyone within the bridal party gets a plus one, regardless of relationship status, so maybe she is in that boat? However, it is also the norm that if you don’t have a SO to bring, you decline the guest option And attend solo. Having a random guest, esp at an intimate wedding, is odd since a large chunk of the day the Maid/Matron of Honor wnot be with her guest.

i would stick to your orginal plan and tell her no- that is not her significant other and you can’t make an exception when you’ve had to tell other invitees no. 

 

Post # 7
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would tell her no.  You would be happy to accomodate her “boyfriend” but you do not want strangers at the wedding.  Also remind her that she will not see him/her for most of the day.  

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

There is a huge difference in how (many) single people see weddings and how people that have planned a wedding see weddings. There are so many Tumblr/Buzzfeed posts that I’ve seen where single people talk about how one of the “ten things they hate” about weddings is how they don’t get a plus one. I don’t think you can fully comprehend how expensive/stressful a wedding is until you’ve put down ten or so deposits and had to tell close friends that you can’t afford them because of Great Aunt Lucy. Sure, it might be a bit awkward to be at a wedding without a date (especially at an event focused on love and whatnot), but enjoy the free booze and food and company and have the best time you can. And if you’re a Maid/Matron of Honor (like you have here), your attention should be on the bride and groom, not on a guest.

Sorry for the rant, but I totally feel you. You’ve been more than accomodating. Tell her that you love her and want her to be happy, but you’re keeping it intimate and can’t take on her guest. End of story. When she gets married, she can do it differently (and see how quickly those plus-ones add up).

Post # 9
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

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mssapphiresblue:  first, I think it is super rude that she would ask to being a long-term friend after her and her fling disolved. Secondly, stick to your original plan of +1s. You are completely in the right IMO and went about it the polite way.

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